Ramblings of a food addicted emotional eater

Every once in a while, I get hit with these intense feelings that Im never going to reach my goals, and that I'm done losing, and all those negative thoughts.

Im pretty sure I hit a mental low this morning when I allowed myself to mindlessly munch on some crackers at 5am as I had a little panic attack about some extreme work stress. Nothing like a little self medicating. Thank heavens the bag ran out, and there was nothing else left in my house.

When I left for work, I thought - this is it, im back to square one, bye bye dreams of reaching my goal. It took me a good 3-4 hours to get my head screwed back on straight, but I realized what separates the "old me" that would continue binging for days until the stress was gone and the "new me' that has a few minor slips up from time to time.

I dont beat myself up - I allow myself a short pity party, but I am able to pick up and continue on MUCH quicker than I ever have. Guilt leads to more eating so now that I can stop that cycle after a few hours, there wont be endless days of binging and enivitable weight gain.

The food choices are worlds apart - before - all pure sugar, fat and any combination of those two. Now, the WORST thing I had in my house was some multi-grain special K crackers (so much for a pre-workout snack, im done with those!!) And it was a small bag to begin with. I never have junk food in my house. I will usually have 1-2 carb items a week that come home from the store - but that's it. By taking this approach, Ive eliminated a whole bunch of problems and potential pitfalls. It's not even possible, even if i ate my whole fridge and pantry, to consume even a fraction of the calories I used to eat.

In the middle of one of these little attacks, I had my overall healthy lifestyle to fall back on. That was what I realized. I had all of my food prepared and ready to throw in my cooler for lunch - I didnt even have to muster up an ounce of energy about what or how much i was going to eat today. And because I had set a goal to reduce my portion sizes, all I had to grab was 2oz of healthy protein selections. And thats what came to work with me. If I am stressed, feeling guilty about some crackers and then have to make a decision - im screwed. Sign me up for the first lunch group going to the worst restaurant possible.

One thing that I believe that has allowed me - the food addicted compulsve emotional eater - to be successful is always having a plan BEFORE i get into trouble. And, ive done it for so long now that it's the only thing thats comfortable for me. Decisions make me anxious when im stressed, anxiety makes me eat - so, I take the easy route and have my food prepared ahead of time to cut out the initial anxiety causing decision process. For some people this works, for some it doesnt. For me, its worth the time to do all the preparation.  And for me, it is something that I consider part of my lifestyle at this point because even when im feeling depressed, or feel like giving up - I just do it...because - well, that's what I do. I wouldnt know what else to eat for breakfast and lunch every day if I didnt pack my lunch.

So what I realized today is that it may take me another 6 months, 1 year or 5 years to reach my ultimate goal, but i will do it. I'm not feeling driven enough to drastically reduce my calories to get to goal sooner rather than later, and I'm not yet strong enough to resist all tempations to eat when I'm stressed (which is probably my biggest barrier to reaching my goal) but, I will get there.

This day started out as complete crap. I didnt think I was going to make it through this day without a complete breakdown but now, even in the midst of some of the worst work related stress ive been though - I feel empowered and ready to keep chasing my goal and my dreams.

Really  - all of my friends here who helped me this morning - THANK YOU. I dont know if I could do it without all the support.

And remember you always have the kickboxing to fall back on. Go beat the crap out of someone. lol


Allison, You are doing great. I can only hope I do as well as you have. You gave me the idea to get meal planned beforehand so I have things ready. If not for you after surgery I would have just been trying to figure out what I should eat and instead I have a freezer stocked with things I can just go pull out and defrost. In fact I have meals frozen for every stage of my eating plan and on. I made soups and purees and broths and just tons of different measured portions in little containers and that helped me so much. And anything I don't finish because I'm full the dog gets to eat because I don't want to have to guess what's next in trying to calculate the oz or portions including the leftover.

I cleaned the house of all junk food and crap before surgery and won't allow so much as a crumb of bad food in the house.  Yes the bakery at the store smelled phenominal and those cookies looked and smelled amazing, but nope I walked on past them to get my water and my cheese.

Now mind you I'm not really much of an emotional eater, I'm just an eater. Loved food to no end, but things change and you were one of the first people that really inspired me so I'm not going to crucify you for a few crackers. I'm sure I will have those days too. But what matters is getting back up on the horse and not beating the dead one because it doesn't do you or the dead horse any good. :-)

Not everyday can meet the plan but going with it and coming out the other side still on focus means you are still a winner.

 Powerful- honest- real

Thanks for sharing so openly what we all struggle with during our journeys. You are an awesome woman! Believe it!

Hi Alison -

Thanks for your immense honesty.  I am only 3 weeks out, but I can always read your no-nonsense post and feel like I have gained knowledge.  I start back to work next week, and I think that I will have to prepare before hand as well because, well, I know me!  You are amazing, even on your bad days!  Keep it real chica!!

The one thing I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY is that my worst day now, in any sense, is always better than my best days before. It helps get me through my moods!

Just really take this time as a new-op to really build lasting changes - honestly, the first 7-8  months were a breeze. I was still riding the high of the whole surgery thing and easy weight loss, but it wasnt until 10-11 months out that things really get tough, and glimpses of what life in the long run will be like start to appear. I still dont think ive fully grasped the reality of what my life is going to be like for many many years to come.

Congratulations!  This was a huge step.  I always caution people about being mean to themselves because I'm a recovering meanie. I was downright cruel to myself.  I finally figured out (in therapy) that I was a perfectionist who took my inevitable imperfections as an excuse to abuse myself...usually with food. It was hard for me to admit this.

I'm really happy for you.

Yes - I know I just have to put a time limit on my pity parties - I'm always going to be the classic pessimist, but no more week long pity parties!

Hear, hear! Allison, your posts, history, and overall positive disposition were part of why I joined the message boards, as I could definitely relate. Additionally, you are an inspiration to so many!! Thank you for your honesty and insight. I'm so glad you were able to make it through the day without a total meltdown, by the way. It's the weekend (almost)!

 I saw your post AFTER I saw the second one, so I didn't comment, but you know I understand and know where you are coming from. You are making strides, leaps and bounds and just think of how far you have come. You are amazing, strong and awesome, even when you don't feel like it. 

You have consistantly done a great job...not perfect becuase none of us are going to do this perfectly, but great. You are not the person you used to be, clearly. And you are so motivated and willing to do the work which is so vital for your continued success. You'll make your goals because that's (from my observation of you from this forum) who you are.

I always hope I recover from my food addiction/obession with the same amount of energy and conviction I put into it!

Wishing you continued success! And hugs!