Friendly vs. Flirty
I have always been fairly outgoing--talking to strangers while waiting in line, helping people catch a runaway cart or child in the parking lot, joking with the waiter in a restaurant. People typically respond in a friendly manner as well and we all go on our own way when the interaction is done.
At least that's how it USED to be.
When I was fat, men, in particular, would respond back in a friendly manner. If I laughed at a joke or a sarcastic remark, they would laugh with me and give me a friendly "she thinks I'm amusing!" look.
However, the past several times that I've done this, it has been an entirely different reaction. Instead of the "she has a good sense of humor" look, I've been getting the "she wants me to do her" look instead. It tends to be followed by more assertive male behavior--chatting me up, lots of eye contact, following me into other stores to continue our conversation, etc.
I truly don't think my behavior has changed, although my appearance definitely has. It's completely freaking me out. I'm not saying or acting in any way remotely sexual. The following me business is creepy because I'm 100% not used to that type of attention. The first couple of times it happened, my husband joked about it. Now that he's seen it occur (he's usually in the store but not standing next to me), he's not so amused and comes to my rescue.
I feel like I don't know how to act in public anymore.
At least that's how it USED to be.
When I was fat, men, in particular, would respond back in a friendly manner. If I laughed at a joke or a sarcastic remark, they would laugh with me and give me a friendly "she thinks I'm amusing!" look.
However, the past several times that I've done this, it has been an entirely different reaction. Instead of the "she has a good sense of humor" look, I've been getting the "she wants me to do her" look instead. It tends to be followed by more assertive male behavior--chatting me up, lots of eye contact, following me into other stores to continue our conversation, etc.
I truly don't think my behavior has changed, although my appearance definitely has. It's completely freaking me out. I'm not saying or acting in any way remotely sexual. The following me business is creepy because I'm 100% not used to that type of attention. The first couple of times it happened, my husband joked about it. Now that he's seen it occur (he's usually in the store but not standing next to me), he's not so amused and comes to my rescue.
I feel like I don't know how to act in public anymore.
(deactivated member)
on 6/19/12 12:04 pm
on 6/19/12 12:04 pm
I hear ya. The last time I was slim I had so many problems
With this sort of thing! It sounds conceited but it is so real! It made going to work a nightmare,and some women suddenly very cool.
For me, It may be one of the reasons I hid myself in the wall of weight,again.
But its THEIR behaviour not yours. Don't let them take your joy or wonderfulness away!
Congrats on your wonderful success!
With this sort of thing! It sounds conceited but it is so real! It made going to work a nightmare,and some women suddenly very cool.
For me, It may be one of the reasons I hid myself in the wall of weight,again.
But its THEIR behaviour not yours. Don't let them take your joy or wonderfulness away!
Congrats on your wonderful success!
I've heard from several people that they are treated differently after they loose weight and are looking good then when they were fat. People tend to treat you better when your normal size or skinny.
While I would never follow anyone from store to store (that is creepy) .. I would wonder to myself if the flirtatious behavior was a "come on" or letting me know your interested but I guess it depends on what is said and body language too. It's hard for us guys sometimes to wrap our minds around the fact that some women just like to flirt but have no intentions on acting upon it or they are just being friendly or nice .. I wouldn't go out of my way making jokes and laughing about things in line at the grocery store unless I was really attracted to the lady next to me. I guess these guys are thinking that you wouldn't either unless you were attracted to them?
Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars though ... we think differently many times.
While I would never follow anyone from store to store (that is creepy) .. I would wonder to myself if the flirtatious behavior was a "come on" or letting me know your interested but I guess it depends on what is said and body language too. It's hard for us guys sometimes to wrap our minds around the fact that some women just like to flirt but have no intentions on acting upon it or they are just being friendly or nice .. I wouldn't go out of my way making jokes and laughing about things in line at the grocery store unless I was really attracted to the lady next to me. I guess these guys are thinking that you wouldn't either unless you were attracted to them?
Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars though ... we think differently many times.
Good point. I suppose I've never considered it flirting. I respond the same way to old ladies and little children. Here is what happened today. I was at the bank (in a mall). A man walked in and told the attendant that the ATM machine was out of service. She replied "I know. It keeps going in and out of service. Everytime I try to take a picture of the error message so I can report it, it starts working again."
The man replied, "Well, go grab your camera then, because I need to use the ATM." (Said very sarcastically). I looked up and started laughing. It was funny. That's it. Then I proceeded to get lots of unwanted attention and was followed to Chick-fil-a.
I think the bottom line is that what isn't flirting when you are fat becomes more like flirting when you aren't. I'm perfectly happy with my stud muffin at home. I have no desire to flirt with other men. But I feel like I'm going to have to change my personality or at least be more mindful when speaking (or not speaking).
Also, please know I don't mean this as some sort of NSV. I just think it is bizarre.
The man replied, "Well, go grab your camera then, because I need to use the ATM." (Said very sarcastically). I looked up and started laughing. It was funny. That's it. Then I proceeded to get lots of unwanted attention and was followed to Chick-fil-a.
I think the bottom line is that what isn't flirting when you are fat becomes more like flirting when you aren't. I'm perfectly happy with my stud muffin at home. I have no desire to flirt with other men. But I feel like I'm going to have to change my personality or at least be more mindful when speaking (or not speaking).
Also, please know I don't mean this as some sort of NSV. I just think it is bizarre.
I will give you a big AMEN on this one girlfriend. I struggle with this.
I have ALWAYS been the loud, funny fat girl. I am crude and a bit off color (think Roseann Barr) and men always found me hysterical b/c I would say things that most women won't and their wives always laughed. NOW, the men wonder if I am serious and the women look at me like I am threat, I am the SAME person, same behaviors but now I have to really watch my audience b/c it can go too far, too quick and has already gotten me into trouble.
I have ALWAYS been the loud, funny fat girl. I am crude and a bit off color (think Roseann Barr) and men always found me hysterical b/c I would say things that most women won't and their wives always laughed. NOW, the men wonder if I am serious and the women look at me like I am threat, I am the SAME person, same behaviors but now I have to really watch my audience b/c it can go too far, too quick and has already gotten me into trouble.
Courtney - Lap band to VSG revision
Ditto.
I was shadowed in a World Market a couple months ago.. thankfully my husband was in the store, but not near me.. I went around the outside edge to find him, and when I did I told him about the stalker-dude. Just happened the guy following me tailed me to the back of the store, spotted me hanging on my husband and turned around and left the store. No doubt at that point, I was being followed. It's very disconcerting, and makes me very much aware of my interactions and surroundings where before I would be off in my own la-la land with no one bugging me.
I was shadowed in a World Market a couple months ago.. thankfully my husband was in the store, but not near me.. I went around the outside edge to find him, and when I did I told him about the stalker-dude. Just happened the guy following me tailed me to the back of the store, spotted me hanging on my husband and turned around and left the store. No doubt at that point, I was being followed. It's very disconcerting, and makes me very much aware of my interactions and surroundings where before I would be off in my own la-la land with no one bugging me.
You are not imagining it and yes, you will need to update your behavior or you will get more of the same. Some people will tell you not to change anything, that it's the men's issue, but it's your issue if you have to deal with it over and over again. Curtain things I could do with impunity before losing weight, are no go now. I can't make eye contact and smile, I can't tell an off color joke, and I can't make any move that would lead the guy to think that there is a chance. Now, I can do all these things, if I chose to deal with the reaction, but I don't want to most of the time. Just the other day, I was minding my own business and buying sushi at a local high end supermarket, when an older gentleman came over to me and asked me if I wanted to go to Italy with him? What? I am just trying to pick out the right sushi for dinner here. I told him, "Sure, as long as my husband and two kids can come along". He laughed and walked away. But this stuff happens every day and to most attractive woman. We are just learning to live in our new bodies and figuring out that the rules have changed.
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