struggling

I feel you!!  I have a big dose of "the hell with it!" that goes through my head when I struggle. 

But for me, it's the secrecy that really gives power to the compulsion.  So telling people "OMG I ATE 4 PURE PROTEIN BARS TODAY" is the *best* thing I can do and so many times one of the hardest.  I want to look PERFECT (false pride) so it is hard to say "I am struggling, folks," especially if I think I'm going to get criticized or shamed for it.  And if I hadn't have told anybody, I might have eaten the rest, instead of throwing them away.

I digress.

Sometimes, when I think "I'll eat anything I damn well want!" I try hard to remember that *I* want to eat the healthy thing.  My *disease* wants the ooey gooey stuff.  *I* know that stuff is poison for my peace of mind, and all the rest is a bunch of addict thinking.  My *disease* says "you'll feel deprived if you don't eat that!" when actually, I almost always feel *great* when I eat the right things.  Stupid disease.

Anyway, I am just saying "I hear you!" and "You are not alone!" and "It gets better!" and "Everybody struggles, without exception!" and "You are doing the hard work it takes to get better!"  Go you!!

Thanks Happy!  I'm getting just what I need here from all of you.  When I thought about eating whatever I wanted, I was able to look at the fact that doing so wouldn't change the issue with my family at that time - it would have made matters worse.  And the healthy me did want to do the right thing for me, and it won out over the disease.  I hear you loud and clear about the secrecy.  If I hadn't let others know I was struggling, maybe I would have managed today, maybe not, but the risk of increasing the struggle and giving ino the demon is so much higher then.  I too have that false pride thing going and want to look perfect.  But guess what?  I'm never going to be perfect, no matter how hard I try - just ask my teenager!  LOL

Ooh.  Teenager.  Shudder.