Relationships.....WARNING!! Don't let your guard down.

I appreciate your kind words.

My husband at first tried to put this back on me (ya know, when attacked, a weak offense is better than a strong defense).  He said "I needed someone because you've been so distant for almost a year".  Coincidentaly, that's about the amount of time since my WLS.  My response to him?  "F*ck that noise......you're not putting this on me!!!!"

Because of where we have all been, it would be easy to fall back into that self loathing of letting myself be complicit in this whole issue.  Not anymore.  And you know what?  When I fired back at him, he owned his mistakes and has ever since.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I agree you are a very strong woman. I don't now if I could have handled it as well as you have.

I did have a few things going for me in this whole situation.  First of all, my "informer" let me know that my husband wasn't the initiator.  That helped.  Also, when I confronted him, I made sure that it hadn't gotten sexual.  My husband is a very poor liar and I knew instantly that he told me the truth.  However, knowing how men are, I made sure of it.  I asked him and teh b*tch if she had gone Monica Lewinsky on him (if you catch my drift) and was assured that didn't happen either.  I knew that some crazy people (men and women both) don't consider that "sex" but boy I do.  So does my husband and again, he is a terrible liar so I knew he was truthful.  I had heard that this particular woman was free with that type of "comfort" with other "close friends" in the past.

If she had done that to him, I probably would've ripped his balls off.

go****hink you're putting alot of extra stress on yourself by trying to "control the situation" or to prevent it from continuing again. You cant control him only yourself. You'll burn yourself out emotionally.
Get therapy and see where that process goes. You cant always be scouting around for texts emails, behaviour patterns its not healthy.
If you want the relationship then get therapy, if you are holding on to the hurt and cannot get pass it then make arrangements to leave.

You cant control him, he will or may not, neither the less he did it. hes just as guilty as the chaser of the affair, dont be nieve that it is just the other ladys fault.

Actually, I haven't read emails, etc.  I will only do that if I think that the situation hasn't ended.  I know that there were texts, emails, phone calls.  I don't need to confirm the content, frequency, etc.  He said they happened, about how often and that they went both ways.  I don't need to know more.  I just need to know that it is stopped.  I will trust that they have unless I see evidence to the contrary.  Then, and only then, will I start checking.  Otherwise, I am not going to waste the energy or emotion.

I really am not trying to control him.  I am trying to control my reaction and how I respond.  I am also trying to not let my emotions rule me or sway me into a decision that I might regret when cooler heads prevail. 

Basically, I have tried to be open and honest with him and illicit the same from him.  I know I can't control his behavior but I can let him know what my reaction will be to his possible actions.  In other words, I let him know where my boundaries of tolerance are.  It's his choice.

We are seeking counseling as a couple and if individual counseling is needed, we'll do that too.

Although I do not feel that I was at fault in this, I know that going forward, there are things that I can do better.   There are things he can do to win my trust back and do better too.

Thanks for your concern and input.

You, my dear, are one of the strongest and frankly smartest women I know and I am so proud to call you friend! Your hubby is lucky to have a woman who will give him a chance and loves him enough to let him work on earning trust back. I don't know what I would do in your shoes but I sure as hell would treasure having a wise woman like you to advise me. Take no prisoners! go sleeve sista you fought for what is yours and you are a warrior goddess!

Love you bunches Sleeve Sista!!

He has realized he's got it good and is appropriately contrite.  He has owned his mistakes and is truly willing to do what needs to be done.

We'll be fine....it's just going to take some time.

Meeting the "other woman" face to face, on my terms and having a "come to Jesus meeting" did me a world of good.  Jus****ching her squirm and seeing her surprise when I didn't go all white trash on her was very empowering.  I didn't raise my voice, use foul language, invade her space or call her names.  But I let her know, on no uncertain terms, that crossing me again would be a very, very bad choice.  She was shaking like a leaf after my 5 minute speech.

I'm not putting all the blame on her.  I put the fear of God in my husband too.

Besides, if I left him, I'd get custody of the dog! 

Wow. Just wow.

Your husband is lucky to have you. You're lucky to be so strong and wise and patient and motivated (to forgive, change, move forward, etc.). And the other woman was lucky you didn't sock her one.

You're an amazing woman and are an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing your post.

Thanks Emily!

I wanted to sock him one, not her.  She's not worth it and didn't really owe me anything.  HE was another story.

You have got this one! For more tips and best practices get on to survivinginfidelity.com it is like OH for those of us who have had a taste of the pain of betrayal on either side. It is an awesome forum.