Relationships.....WARNING!! Don't let your guard down.
One of the questions I see posted by pre-ops on a frequent basis is the question about how our weight loss impacts relationships, especially our romantic ones.
The best answer to that is that if the relationship is strong and secure before the weight loss journey begins, it will grow stronger. If it's shaky, unstable or dysfunctional before, then after it will suffer. I've read this over and over. My personal experience has been the same.
Until now.
My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. Been together 20. We both had very bad first marriages that ended due to infidelity on the part of our spouses. We became a blended family and have successfully raised 5 children, been together through poor health, financial problems, death of parents, and multiple disasters. Three years ago, we built our dream home with our own two hands. We've always been best friends. Because of our history, the strength of our relationship and my husband's character, I have always trusted him implicitly.
Last Thursday, one of my co-workers came into my office and shut the door. He told me that I had a problem that I didn't know I had and he couldn't let me be hurt. I was stunned as he began to tell me that he had irrefutable proof that my husband had an "inappropriate" relationship with a woman we both knew. I knew he and she were friends and had worked on a project together. I also knew she was the type to not respect her own or other people's marriage. But I was blind sided by this.
I knew that for the last couple of months something was "off". I won't bore you with the details but there was a major change in the way my husband acted. I was afraid it was because of my weight loss. My husband is overweight and although he lost weight when I first started this journey, he has gained it back and continues to do so. I understood that and he felt bad about himself and was afraid to approach it with him. Things kept getting more odd. Come to find out, this whole "flirtation" began about the time I noticed things were different.
So when my co-worker told me what he knew, I was stunned but knew it was true. It all fell into place.
To make a long painful story shorter, I confronted my husband. He confessed and told me that it started out as friendship but progressed to hugs, kisses and heartfelt conversations. I had been told (by my informer) that my husband had not been the aggressor or initiator. I found that consistent with my husband's nature. The relationship had not gotten sexual but if it had been left alone probably would have.
I am a very logical, analytical and usually not readily emotional person. But let me tell you.....all that went out the window and the emotions went wild.
Come to find out, I was right. Even though my husband loved me fat, was supportive of me getting healthy and has been proud of my success. But he began feeling bad about himself as I became more successful.
Every marriage goes thru peaks and valleys. Sometimes you are madly in love. Other times you just tolerate each other. I thought we were in a valley. I knew something was wrong but thought it would work itself out. I should've acted when I began to see changes.
Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming myself. And my husband owns up to his mistakes. But while I was working on myself, I didn't work on my relationship as I should. That left an opening for my husband to be vulnerable when some floosy started throwing herself at him. I am so thankful that my co-worker had the balls to come to me. The situation has been nipped in the bud and my husband and I have spent the last few days crying in each other's arms and discussing how we can make our relationship even stronger. We've got a plan and have started putting it into place.
It's going to take a while for me to get over the hurt and to not think about her in his arms. But we are committed. We have a second chance before this went beyond the point of no return.
And the other woman? He has unfriended her on FB, erased her info from his cell phone and told her that he would no longer be her friend, they couldn't even be aquaintances. And I had a little "talk" with her. I didn't threaten her with bodily harm (after all, she outweighs me and is older than me so I didn't want to take advantage of her
). However, I did tell her that she is not to contact my husband because if she did, I'd know (I know how to check the cell phone bill for texts and calls) and I'd go to her husband, her boss (sexual harrassment in the workplace because they work for the same employer and I have witnesses that will say she was the aggressor), and I would have it all over FB, twitter, Pinterest and anywhere else she lurks warning other wives to watch out for her and her "friendship" with their husbands. There are ways to do that and not commit slander. I let her know not to mess with my man or I'd be her worst nightmare. Taking me on would be like taking a pocket knife to a gunfight. I can be very intimidating when I choose to be. Even though I am 5' 3" and 178 lbs I have very large, tough men that have told me they'd never mess with me. So she didn't put up much resistance.
The moral of this loooonnnngg story is this:
1. Always follow your gut. If you think something isn't right in your relationship, open your mouth and discuss it. Don't let it go on.
2. Just because you have a very strong relationship and your significant other is the type to not wander, don't take it for granted. There can be a very fine line between security and complacency or between trust and being taken for granted. While you may feel secure and trust your lover, they may feel like you are just taking them for granted.
3. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first for once in your life. But while you are putting yourself first, don't let your relationships suffer.
4. While you may trust your spouse/significant other, don't trust other people that might want what you have. People like that will try to disrupt your relationship with any kind of sneaky measures they can. Those kinds of people smeall weakness like a shark smells blood. Don't let your man/woman be susceptible to this.
5. Just becauseyou are thinner/younger/better looking/more intelligent, etc., than the other man/woman, don't let your guard down. If your significant other loved you fat, why wouldn't he/she look past that in some one else that did everything they could to appeal to them? And if your spouse, etc is feeling very susceptible, these "sharks" can sense that and do everything to appeal to that suceptibility.
While my weight loss was not responsible for this episode, it contributed to it. Take this for what you will. I still believe what I said in the very first paragraph of this post. If our relationship hadn't been as strong as it was, this might have progressed differently and been too far gone before discovered. This is meant as a warning and just one more thing to consider in your decision about WLS. And for post-ops and vets, stay diligent. This whole journey is fraught with dangers but it is sooooo worth it. As with everything else in this process, knowledge is power and awareness is success.
Me? I'll be ok. I still can't sleep much and I am still very, very hurt. But I love my husband and he realizes that he crossed a boundry that should never have been crossed. He is committed to our marriage and so am I. We will be ok.
The best answer to that is that if the relationship is strong and secure before the weight loss journey begins, it will grow stronger. If it's shaky, unstable or dysfunctional before, then after it will suffer. I've read this over and over. My personal experience has been the same.
Until now.
My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. Been together 20. We both had very bad first marriages that ended due to infidelity on the part of our spouses. We became a blended family and have successfully raised 5 children, been together through poor health, financial problems, death of parents, and multiple disasters. Three years ago, we built our dream home with our own two hands. We've always been best friends. Because of our history, the strength of our relationship and my husband's character, I have always trusted him implicitly.
Last Thursday, one of my co-workers came into my office and shut the door. He told me that I had a problem that I didn't know I had and he couldn't let me be hurt. I was stunned as he began to tell me that he had irrefutable proof that my husband had an "inappropriate" relationship with a woman we both knew. I knew he and she were friends and had worked on a project together. I also knew she was the type to not respect her own or other people's marriage. But I was blind sided by this.
I knew that for the last couple of months something was "off". I won't bore you with the details but there was a major change in the way my husband acted. I was afraid it was because of my weight loss. My husband is overweight and although he lost weight when I first started this journey, he has gained it back and continues to do so. I understood that and he felt bad about himself and was afraid to approach it with him. Things kept getting more odd. Come to find out, this whole "flirtation" began about the time I noticed things were different.
So when my co-worker told me what he knew, I was stunned but knew it was true. It all fell into place.
To make a long painful story shorter, I confronted my husband. He confessed and told me that it started out as friendship but progressed to hugs, kisses and heartfelt conversations. I had been told (by my informer) that my husband had not been the aggressor or initiator. I found that consistent with my husband's nature. The relationship had not gotten sexual but if it had been left alone probably would have.
I am a very logical, analytical and usually not readily emotional person. But let me tell you.....all that went out the window and the emotions went wild.
Come to find out, I was right. Even though my husband loved me fat, was supportive of me getting healthy and has been proud of my success. But he began feeling bad about himself as I became more successful.
Every marriage goes thru peaks and valleys. Sometimes you are madly in love. Other times you just tolerate each other. I thought we were in a valley. I knew something was wrong but thought it would work itself out. I should've acted when I began to see changes.
Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming myself. And my husband owns up to his mistakes. But while I was working on myself, I didn't work on my relationship as I should. That left an opening for my husband to be vulnerable when some floosy started throwing herself at him. I am so thankful that my co-worker had the balls to come to me. The situation has been nipped in the bud and my husband and I have spent the last few days crying in each other's arms and discussing how we can make our relationship even stronger. We've got a plan and have started putting it into place.
It's going to take a while for me to get over the hurt and to not think about her in his arms. But we are committed. We have a second chance before this went beyond the point of no return.
And the other woman? He has unfriended her on FB, erased her info from his cell phone and told her that he would no longer be her friend, they couldn't even be aquaintances. And I had a little "talk" with her. I didn't threaten her with bodily harm (after all, she outweighs me and is older than me so I didn't want to take advantage of her
). However, I did tell her that she is not to contact my husband because if she did, I'd know (I know how to check the cell phone bill for texts and calls) and I'd go to her husband, her boss (sexual harrassment in the workplace because they work for the same employer and I have witnesses that will say she was the aggressor), and I would have it all over FB, twitter, Pinterest and anywhere else she lurks warning other wives to watch out for her and her "friendship" with their husbands. There are ways to do that and not commit slander. I let her know not to mess with my man or I'd be her worst nightmare. Taking me on would be like taking a pocket knife to a gunfight. I can be very intimidating when I choose to be. Even though I am 5' 3" and 178 lbs I have very large, tough men that have told me they'd never mess with me. So she didn't put up much resistance.The moral of this loooonnnngg story is this:
1. Always follow your gut. If you think something isn't right in your relationship, open your mouth and discuss it. Don't let it go on.
2. Just because you have a very strong relationship and your significant other is the type to not wander, don't take it for granted. There can be a very fine line between security and complacency or between trust and being taken for granted. While you may feel secure and trust your lover, they may feel like you are just taking them for granted.
3. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first for once in your life. But while you are putting yourself first, don't let your relationships suffer.
4. While you may trust your spouse/significant other, don't trust other people that might want what you have. People like that will try to disrupt your relationship with any kind of sneaky measures they can. Those kinds of people smeall weakness like a shark smells blood. Don't let your man/woman be susceptible to this.
5. Just becauseyou are thinner/younger/better looking/more intelligent, etc., than the other man/woman, don't let your guard down. If your significant other loved you fat, why wouldn't he/she look past that in some one else that did everything they could to appeal to them? And if your spouse, etc is feeling very susceptible, these "sharks" can sense that and do everything to appeal to that suceptibility.
While my weight loss was not responsible for this episode, it contributed to it. Take this for what you will. I still believe what I said in the very first paragraph of this post. If our relationship hadn't been as strong as it was, this might have progressed differently and been too far gone before discovered. This is meant as a warning and just one more thing to consider in your decision about WLS. And for post-ops and vets, stay diligent. This whole journey is fraught with dangers but it is sooooo worth it. As with everything else in this process, knowledge is power and awareness is success.
Me? I'll be ok. I still can't sleep much and I am still very, very hurt. But I love my husband and he realizes that he crossed a boundry that should never have been crossed. He is committed to our marriage and so am I. We will be ok.
Never, never, never give up!...though she be but little, she is FIERCE...
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Wow, thank you for this heartfelt post. While I don't think that my husband is per say cheating on me, I have noticed a bit of difference lately and right now we are kind of in the "Can only tolerate one another" stage. I need to take time to give him attention also, and your post reminded me of that.
My thoughts are with you.
My thoughts are with you.
Follow your gut. My husband was the VERY LAST person in the world that I would've thought would be susceptible to this situation. But this woman was someone we knew, that he felt like was a friend and she knew just how to approach him and what buttons to push. She never was my "friend" but was an acquainance of mine. Ironically, as far as tastes go, she and I have a lot in common. As far as character and interests go, we are very different. She's a big partier and my hubby and I are not.
We are going to get counseling. We've also committed to a regular "date night" (our date nights had kinda gone by the wayside since eating out was not such a big deal for me any more), to make sure whe show each other some kind of physical affection every single day besides a peck when we leave in the morning. These are just a few of the things we have discussed doing.
Open the can of worms. Talk to your husband. Emotional lonliness and emotional infidelity can be just as damaging as physical.
Good luck!
Never, never, never give up!...though she be but little, she is FIERCE...
A Midsummer Night's Dream
I've though about a blog but am more open in this medium because I feel more comfortable than on the "open internet". I know it isn't private but will reach the people I want to target.
It's always good to be reminded that "maintenance" doesn't just apply to our weight loss
It's always good to be reminded that "maintenance" doesn't just apply to our weight loss
Never, never, never give up!...though she be but little, she is FIERCE...
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Thank you for your kind words.
My husband have been through things in our marriage that would've doomed other couples. We've always gotten through things together because of our committment and the trust we had in each other.
I think the violation of trust was the worst part of all this. We will get thru it.
I just want all of us to be aware of the dangers. Men's egos are so fragile. Even though we see our men as something beyond a mere human, they are just that---human.
My husband have been through things in our marriage that would've doomed other couples. We've always gotten through things together because of our committment and the trust we had in each other.
I think the violation of trust was the worst part of all this. We will get thru it.
I just want all of us to be aware of the dangers. Men's egos are so fragile. Even though we see our men as something beyond a mere human, they are just that---human.
Never, never, never give up!...though she be but little, she is FIERCE...
A Midsummer Night's Dream
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