When kids call grownups fat.....

So, I don't post as often as the other vets, but I am 3 + years out. I have twins that are 3 yrs 8months old, so they don't remember me being morbidy obese (280lbs).

I decided to relocate to a healthy town where the enfasis is on yoga, meditation, raw foods and surfing, to try to do my last steps of getting healthy. Needless to say, there are no obese people in this little town NONE, not one. (its in Costa Rica, not the US)

Anyways, there are tourists here and they come for the health retreats. So today I am walking with my twins and my little girl points to an overweight lady and shouts "Mom, why is she SO FAT?" Like screams it out. I was horrified, more for the lady than myself. I realized that she has not seen an overweight person for at least a year, so her comments were more an observation of a toddler.

Now, I took this as a teaching moment. I got down to her eye level and said "Honey, when you call someone fat, it hurts their feelings" and she replies "Well, mommy, she IS fat"

We walked out of earshot of the lady and then I sat down on the side of road with my daughter and explained to her why people are fat, because they eat too much and don't get enough exercise (remember, shes only 3) and then I said, Mommy used to be very fat. But then mommy decided to be healthy and eat more fruits and vegetables and move my body much more, and now I am not as fat.

WEll, you get the idea. And also, she uses the word Fat, because in spani**** is very common to use that word to describe people and it is not derrogotory in spanish (gorda)

What would you have done??

The way I handle it with my kids is the same I handle them pointing out a "little person" or someone missing an arm. I tell them that it is impolite to comment on a persons appearance in a negative way. Some people can't help how they look, some can...but we do not tease, call attention to, or judge someone based on how they look. What matters is the type of person they are. It is hurtful and none of us look perfect so we should be kind with our words like we would want others to be kind with theirs towards us.

Kids are kids, they are honest and don't mean to be hurtful but regular reminders are necessary.

I think what you did was appropriate girlie, I would also explain that some of us have different reasons why we are different bodied than other people, same as we have different hair colors, eye colors, heights and body shapes, just to put am emphasis on the fact that there are some folks who dont control their having gotten fat, like we didnt control having blue eyes or brown.

And *you* can say, as The Mama, that gorda isnt so okay for yall in your home, if you have a better word, or you might not want to make a monster deal out of it. 

It absolutely was a teachable moment, my friend.  And being in a tourist town, there will be more!  :}

Let me preface this with saying this specific situation is a VERY sensitive subject for me and I don't allow any children I'm around to be rude to other children, adults or strangers and I am strict and THEN give the explanation after.

I don't have children but I have a neice that I half rasied while her mom was going through a divorce and not spending much time with her and she used to say some off the wall stuff sometimeswhen she was young and I wasn't quite as nice about her comments as you were. She told me I was fat one time even. I wasn't crazy with her but I was very stern in telling her that it was very rude. She's actually 11 now and thinks it's funny to say things like that because now my sister is remarried to a man who thinks that kind of stuff is ok and he jokes like that. We were driving in the car the other day and she says to her mom "eww you need to shave your mustache!" We're hispanic and we're hairy... anyway, my sister didn't even say anything. I'm the one who told her she was rude and didn't EVER need to say anything like that even if the person had th biggest mustache in the world and she shouldn't think it's ok to go around telling people that. I told her that if someone ever said that to me I would cry. I even told my sister that I had kids tell me mean things and their parents didn't say anything and it wasn't right.

Personally, being on the receiving end of the "MOMMY, she's so FAT" comment TWICE, I think you should have apologized to the woman and then talked to your child. The two times that it happened to me I was devastated. The first reason was because I was humiliated, but it was even worse that the parents just let it happen and didn't say anything. After those 2 experiences, I am deathly scared of children. I'm not kidding. Everytime I see one I think they are going to scream about how fat I am. I have to also tell you that the two times it happened I was going to go say something to the parents for not immediately apologizing on behalf of their kids. I was so damn embarrassed and thought the parents were such ******** for allowing their kids to say that that I was willing to make it a HUGE issue and even get into a fight. That's how much a kid screaming out how fat you are hurts as you watch their parent just pull their arm away... even when they're only 3 or 4. I know parents can't control their kids mouths but damn, apologize to the poor person who they call fat or ugly or in a wheel chair or whatever.

It's just a very sensitive subject for me because I'm seriously scarred for life over those two kids. When I say I'm terrified every time I see a kid, I'm not joking. I'm even terrified to meet kids of my friends!

In my Puerto Rican, Ecuadorian and Mexican culture (my family is married into the Mexican and I live in Southern California) gordo is still derogatory, though it is frequently used in families as nick names for the chunkier kids, but it's definitely not a compliment and it does effect those children negatively emotionally because they're being called fat all they're lives. We have "Gordos" in our families. It's cute when they're babies but as they get older it doesn't really work that well. We called my neice "Sumo" (Sumo wrestler) when she was a baby because she was fat but if we did that now it would have a negative effect on her, English or Spanish.

I do think appologizing to the person if you know they heard it - is definitely the right thing to do.  I would be offended if the parents did not appologize or tell their child to appologize.  That's the only thing I would have done differently.  I would have probably been a little sterner in my lecture so that they understand the gravity of their offence.  Just because kids these days, even at age 3 and 4- they're so much smarter and socially advanced than we were.  They really do understand more than we give them credit for...

 At 5ft tall and 325+ pounds I heard the "Why is she so fat" A LOT. My stock response was to walk
Over to them and say to the kid "Because I am. Why are you so short?" They usually said "Because I am" and that was that. My point was always to make sure the kid and/or adult knew I heard them and that I wasn't invisible. To me that's the worst part of the experience - that people treat morbidly obese people like they aren't even in the room (kind of ironic actually). I never felt embarrassed for myself and have always taught my kids to wait until we were in private to ask me anything they want about other people we see out and about. It is never ok to talk about other people if they can hear you is what I tell them. 

I think you did well, MOM !!! I do agree that apologizing to the lady, if she heard was the most appropriate and immediate thing to do, because that would have been role modeling a sincere apology for your daughter.

Explaining and taking the time to stop and talk about her comment also showed her that it was a STOP SIGN moment. NOT something that you can "get away with" ~~ also a great intervention. I might also search on the internet for children's books about DIFFERENCES and perhaps make a couple purchases, for reading now and in the future. Your kids are going to be exposed to different people in due time, and it's time to wrestle with concepts of differences and how we are all the same underneath it all...

Good luck !! And I think you did a great job on the fly !!!

When my daughter was young and I was morbidly obese she began at some point to notice that I looked different from the other adult women she knew and she asked me why I was fat.

Now, I am not particularly bothered by the word "fat" - in my mind it is a description and doesn't have to be a put-down, but I know that it is used to shame and humiliate people.

I explained to my daughter that I was fat because that's just the way my body was made, and that there is room on this planet for people of all shapes, sizes, colours etc. I also told her that although I didn't mind the word fat, other people would feel very sad and hurt if someone called them fat. We talked about how it is rude to point out things about the appearance of other people and I assured her that she could ask me questions, but that she was not ever to point at people or make loud remarks about their appearance.

This worked, and to her credit she is very accepting and non-judgmental about weight and other physical factors. When I decided to have my surgery I talked to her about how my weight was keeping me from doing things that I wanted to do and also affecting my health. She still misses the cuddlier aspects of my larger body sometimes, although I think she is happy to have a mom who looks more like the other moms and I know she is happy that we can do things together like camping, boating etc that were not possible when I was larger.

I have an 8yo son that is autistic and EVERYTHING in his world is black and white...no grey.  He appears to look "normal" , but that does not change his diagnosis.  He says things that are socially unacceptable (truly not meaning to hurt feelings, but bc it is what he sees) - so I can apologize all day long and say he is autistic, but people are really rude sometimes thinking he is just a bad kid with a bad parent who doesn't teach manners....
I just say this bc I want others to understand that there maybe somethings on the other side that may be out of the parents control is all....

I totally understand autism. I have a credential in special education and am 1 test away from my MA in special education. I know that it is difficult (sometimes impossible) to teach children with autism to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate social skills. I still think an apology to the person is appropriate in any situation. If one of those parents had said "I'm so sorry, my son is autistic." I would have felt a lot better about the situation and would have understood that the parents and kids weren't just asses.

On a side note, have you looked into Social Stories for those types of situations (and many other social situations, transitions, etc.)? They're really great.