A real life situation that shows WHY some of us are militant..(very long)

 This is hard for me to type, b/c I am a an addict and admitting to my behavior has ALWAYS been something that is hard to do. But with all the debate this past week I figured I would share it not only with my "support network" but with the online community so that you can see why some of us ARE militant - 

Because it can all go to hell in about five minutes, and all over a garlic knot, yes a garlic knot (those small, butter and garlic covered pieces of bread that come from the Italian restaurant down the street!). 

I have not been "militant" about being on plan for a few weeks, so this meltdown comes as no surprise to me, it has been building as I let myself have a cookie here, a glass of wine there etc. I can blame the holidays, I can say I was just being "normal", but the truth is that I was slipping out of control and not stopping myself (and I know some saw it, but didn't say anything, I wish they had). 

So last night the cycle came to a head, as it does with most addicts who build to a binge. We ordered pizza for dinner, I was going to be a good girl and have my 3 ounce meatball with a little sauce and be done, but they sent home a dozen free garlic knots with our order, something I won't usually bring into the house because its a trigger food for me. 

The the rationalizing began - well, I have 200 calories left today, but only 10 carbs - I can skip the protein shake before bed and drink water instead of crystal light and I can fit one of those knots into the plan. So I remove the good stuff from my list and add in the crap, but its only ONCE right? What harm can it be for me to be "normal" and have a little taste of something I love. I mean, I DESERVE it right?

So I eat the garlic knot and immediately want another one, so I take just a bite of a second one and give the rest to the baby. This triggers a sudden urge to take a bite of his pizza, which prior to the garlic knot I didn't want at all, didn't even appeal to me. Now I want it, and I want it bad and we step into the second part of the addiction process, anger. I am ANGRY now b/c I can't have the pizza, b/c I can't be "normal" like everyone else, b/c I can't eat crap and not pay the consequences. I DESERVE that pizza, I should have that pizza, but I deny myself and get angry over the denial (normally it would not even phase me to not have pizza, but in the midst of the cycle nothing is rational). I am cranky and crabby the rest of the night. I go to bed. 

After being woken up by a child, a crazy dog, a snoring husband and then a 2 year old with a dirty diaper, I am frothing at the mouth at 3 in the morning, railing in my mind about how UNFAIR THE WORLD IS and my focus is still that freaking pizza. So I stomp into the kitchen barefoot and half dressed, and shove that pizza in my mouth, cold and greasy and tasting like crap, but I am VICTORIOUS b/c I have eaten the pizza and no one could stop me b/c I CONTROL my world. 4 bites and I feel stuffed, but now the guilt over what I have done has started to creep in and I want to punish myself for my crappy choice, so I take another bite and another until I feel sick and uncomfortable (which in the end is what I truly deserved right? I didn't deserve to feel victorious or in control, I deserved to feel sick b/c I am so weak.). I woke my husband, confessed to my closet eating (something we agreed on years ago when I started this whole process) and then cried for a bit. 

Do you see how fast we are flashing though the cycles of this meltdown? If I had been in AA I would have had to turn in my sobriety chip last night, b/c what a bender it would have been. Granted, before the VSG I would have eaten all four slices of pizza and the two left over garlic knots (and probably raided the kids candy and cookies at that point too), and that is a far cry from the five bites of pizza I took, but really it wasn't WHAT I ate or even how much of it I ate, it was the mindset and the feelings here that where important. 

Now we come back to the REASON some of us need to be militant to be successful, because we are addicts, and just like a recovering alcoholic will not keep a bottle of wine in their house, and why a drug addict does not go to parties with old friends, I CANNOT let certain foods back into my life. Does this mean I will never be "normal" like others who have a healthy relationship with food? Yeah, it does, in the same way that the AA member and the drug addict fresh out of rehab can never be "normal" like the rest of us. Sure, there are some people who are skinny most of their lives and for one reason or another get heavy and get the surgery and they don't need to be like this, but for most of us this is not the case. Most of us have been big our whole lives (hello, I was overweight in my first grade picture and still in my wedding pictures), and you don't get to 300 or 400 lbs without food issues. I get the whole "I had surgery to be normal" thing, I really do, but in most cases it isn't going to work out that way. 

So, this is me, having put three years of (food) sobriety on the line last night b/c of an old mindset and a trigger food that I knew better then to eat. I share this with you so that maybe it can shed a little light on why some of us act the way we do, and say the things we do and react to some posts in the way we do, because we see ourselves in some of those posts and we see the path that some behaviors can lead too and we don't want that for anyone. 

Have a good day my friends. 

 Thank you for sharing this very honest and thoughtful post.  I do worry about my triggers (mostly breads) and how I will react further out.  I'm glad you addressed it and didn't do any damage to your weight loss, but I totally get the strain on your will power.  Good for you!

 Thanks for posting this. It really is an example of why we have this problem.

I think that's why it's best for us all to understand that we all know what is best for ourselves.

Sometimes under the guise of being helpful, there can be offenses on either side of the fence, or even in the middle.

But really what it boils down to is that you know what you need to do to be successful, and that's all that matters in the end.

Now, go burn all the pizza and garlic rolls quick!! LOL

Thank you for sharing your experience so openly!

I agree that we can never be normal, and I worry for those that say they had the surgery to be normal.  The NYTs article that was posted in a few places yesterday really explained things well.    Even if one doesn't have a food addiction, the fact is that once you are obese you will never be normal again.  Once we lose weight, we need to be very vigilant about every calorie we eat and exercise religiously.  For the rest of our lives, we will need to exercise more and eat less than others that weigh the same but are thin naturally (meaning they've never been overweight).  We are NOT normal, nor will we ever be normal.

Those with food addictions have an extra layer of challenge.  But even those without food addiction issues are not exempt for needing to be extremely vigilant the rest of their lives if they wish to maintain a healthy weight.

((((HUGS))))



This journey is tough! Everyone would be size 0 if it were easy. Everyone must find a path that equals success. I am here for any support if you need it.

 The support and hugs are greatly appreciated, I need them today. Dusting myself off and pushing on thanks to all my amazing friends. 

Thank you for being so open and honest about your situation.  We each have demons to conquer in this process and need different modes of thinking to get us thru the lessons we need to learn for long term success.

I am NOT a militant sleever but a limit tester...but I respect your process to get you thru.  My only swipe at seeing food as an addiction comes from the fact that we need food as fuel to live, unlike alcohol and drugs (at least some drugs...lol).  I am not sure what the answer is to that question but it's a thought...

Even in my limit testing ways, my sleeve has made it "black and white" many times for me.  I have ongoing issues with nausea and GERD, and threw up a lot when I screwed up what Sleevie knew I shouldn't have.  At 13 months post op, I have to take meds every day to help me with those problems...and I have both good and bad eating days between my food choices and Sleevie's cooperation levels.

Take Care and thank you again for sharing!  I think it's therapeutic to "confess" to your peers.

First of all, hugs.

Second, back on the wagon today. My failing has always been to let my failings be ongoing, to get so discouraged that I don't pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again. Don't be like that.

Third, this is EXACTLY why I'm so militant about what I put in my mouth. I know that I would react just the same way. Most of us will never be able to be "normal" in our eating because most naturally skinny folks don't have the same mental reactions to food that we do.

Thanks for sharing this, even though I imagine it was difficult. It's something I think we all need to be reminded of.

And last of all, more hugs.

 Oh, I am 100% back on the wagon today, I think I needed this "watershed" moment to kind of wash away the pain and guilt I have been having over the past few weeks and I feel like a new person. My husband is so awesome, at 4 in the morning he was helping me purge the house of the bad stuff. I have dusted myself off and I am back on my feet, I learned long ago not to dwell b/c it just makes it harder for everyone. 

What happened is in the past, I learned from it, got knocked off my ****y high horse and reminded that I am not cured, I am still and always will be, in recovery. 


Thank you for the hugs and support, you know how much they mean to me!