Self-sabotage day. At goal, and devastated.
I totally screwed up today. Repeatedly, willfully, all day long. And now I feel horrible.
I had my friend who's a trainer at the gym do my bodyfat percentage with the calipers. While he was crunching the numbers I was preparing myself mentally for a number that was in the high 20's, higher than my goal. I'm usually too optimistic so I didn't want to be too devastated when he told me the result.
19%. I made him do the measurements again because I didn't believe him. He said I'm being thrown off because of all the extra skin I have. Look at your ribs, he said. You can count them from behind. He does this all day long with clients so I don't doubt his skill or accuracy. There's some error inherent in the measurement, I could be around 20-21% too. But that's still very healthy.
I've already reached my goal, as far as bodyfat perentage goes. I was always aiming for 20-22%.
I'm devastated. Because I am still so unhappy with my body. I had a mental image of what I'd look like at goal. This is not it. I know I'm not fat anymore, but I don't feel thin. I don't think I look thin. When I look in the mirror I don't see the person I want to see. I see a chubby girl. I was convinced I'd magically have a small bottom and cute little thighs that barely touch. That's all I've ever dreamed of.
What do you do when you learn that you've gotten where you were aiming for, and you don't feel like you've arrived? It's like being told, this is the best you'll ever get. And being unhappy with it.
I wanted to weigh 145-150. I figured that would put me comfortably in a size 8 across the board. But to get that low, I'd need to lose some muscle mass along with fat, because I don't want to go lower than 18% bodyfat.
I went into self-destruct mode for the rest of the day. Here is what I managed to shovel down, over the course of the last 10 hours:
2 grilled cheese sandwiches
1/2 pint of ice cream
2 cookies
1 cup clam chowder
3 glasses milk
1/2 slice lemon cake
3 strips beef jerkey
1 glass chocolate milk
1 fried egg
If you'd have shown me this list of food and told me I'd be able to eat all that in a day, I'd tell you it was physically impossible. Well I can now say that it's possible, because I just did it, one bite at a time, slowly and methodically.
I was so enraged, so pissed off at myself and my body for not being what I dreamed of. I don't want to be insensitive to other people here who still have 100, 200+ pounds left to lose. I'm grateful to be where I am. But I've worked so $%#*ing hard for the last year and a half, it's like studying your butt off for a huge exam and getting a 'C' and being told, you aren't smart enough to do any better.
So I went and ate all of those negative feelings. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway. It was like I was saying "screw you, I'll show you fat!" to my body.
And I was doing so well. I've been eating low-carb, so I know when I step on the scale tomorrow I won't be just 1 pound heavier, it'll be more like 5, because I'll have re-gained all of the water weight I lost when I stopped eating sugars. My pants will be tight. My stomach is already bloated. My head is pounding from all the sugar, my stomach aches, I feel like crap, I've been breaking down in tears repeatedly.
And I have a full glass of chocolate milk on the desk next to my laptop.
I don't know what to do with myself. I obviously can't keep doing this. I need to regain my motivation and be ok with myself. But where do I go from here?
I had my friend who's a trainer at the gym do my bodyfat percentage with the calipers. While he was crunching the numbers I was preparing myself mentally for a number that was in the high 20's, higher than my goal. I'm usually too optimistic so I didn't want to be too devastated when he told me the result.
19%. I made him do the measurements again because I didn't believe him. He said I'm being thrown off because of all the extra skin I have. Look at your ribs, he said. You can count them from behind. He does this all day long with clients so I don't doubt his skill or accuracy. There's some error inherent in the measurement, I could be around 20-21% too. But that's still very healthy.
I've already reached my goal, as far as bodyfat perentage goes. I was always aiming for 20-22%.
I'm devastated. Because I am still so unhappy with my body. I had a mental image of what I'd look like at goal. This is not it. I know I'm not fat anymore, but I don't feel thin. I don't think I look thin. When I look in the mirror I don't see the person I want to see. I see a chubby girl. I was convinced I'd magically have a small bottom and cute little thighs that barely touch. That's all I've ever dreamed of.
What do you do when you learn that you've gotten where you were aiming for, and you don't feel like you've arrived? It's like being told, this is the best you'll ever get. And being unhappy with it.
I wanted to weigh 145-150. I figured that would put me comfortably in a size 8 across the board. But to get that low, I'd need to lose some muscle mass along with fat, because I don't want to go lower than 18% bodyfat.
I went into self-destruct mode for the rest of the day. Here is what I managed to shovel down, over the course of the last 10 hours:
2 grilled cheese sandwiches
1/2 pint of ice cream
2 cookies
1 cup clam chowder
3 glasses milk
1/2 slice lemon cake
3 strips beef jerkey
1 glass chocolate milk
1 fried egg
If you'd have shown me this list of food and told me I'd be able to eat all that in a day, I'd tell you it was physically impossible. Well I can now say that it's possible, because I just did it, one bite at a time, slowly and methodically.
I was so enraged, so pissed off at myself and my body for not being what I dreamed of. I don't want to be insensitive to other people here who still have 100, 200+ pounds left to lose. I'm grateful to be where I am. But I've worked so $%#*ing hard for the last year and a half, it's like studying your butt off for a huge exam and getting a 'C' and being told, you aren't smart enough to do any better.
So I went and ate all of those negative feelings. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway. It was like I was saying "screw you, I'll show you fat!" to my body.
And I was doing so well. I've been eating low-carb, so I know when I step on the scale tomorrow I won't be just 1 pound heavier, it'll be more like 5, because I'll have re-gained all of the water weight I lost when I stopped eating sugars. My pants will be tight. My stomach is already bloated. My head is pounding from all the sugar, my stomach aches, I feel like crap, I've been breaking down in tears repeatedly.
And I have a full glass of chocolate milk on the desk next to my laptop.
I don't know what to do with myself. I obviously can't keep doing this. I need to regain my motivation and be ok with myself. But where do I go from here?
"The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution." -Bertrand Russell
5'9 HW: 297 GW: 160 CW: 161
5'9 HW: 297 GW: 160 CW: 161
Oh man can I relate! I felt the same when I got to goal. I have been out of control for a bit and depressed. It is awful. When I got to goal I also go a reality check, I was feeling the same as you.
My only advise, as I am still in the thoes of this and not myself, if to try and maintain as best you can. You will feel even worse if you start to gain. What I had at 142 felt way better than what I have and feel at 154... I miss how slim I felt and looked at 142. Don't do that to yourself. Try to get control and keep it, beleive me, even though we are not 'our' perfect at our goal weight or fat %, we are the best we can be and that is better than gaining.
You are so beautiful, I am in Belize, I 'need' councelling and can't get it here, whole different mindset. If you can get councelling or go to a support group I would suggest you do. You are lucky to live in an area where you can get some assistance with this.
Big hugs honey, I know it is a drag, and I know how you feel. I won't say it is in your head, because I never did completely lose my tummy or outer thighs, even when my BMI was under 20.... sigh. And on top of not having the body I dreamed of, I also have some wringles and sags that make me look older...
More hugs,
Cindy
My only advise, as I am still in the thoes of this and not myself, if to try and maintain as best you can. You will feel even worse if you start to gain. What I had at 142 felt way better than what I have and feel at 154... I miss how slim I felt and looked at 142. Don't do that to yourself. Try to get control and keep it, beleive me, even though we are not 'our' perfect at our goal weight or fat %, we are the best we can be and that is better than gaining.
You are so beautiful, I am in Belize, I 'need' councelling and can't get it here, whole different mindset. If you can get councelling or go to a support group I would suggest you do. You are lucky to live in an area where you can get some assistance with this.
Big hugs honey, I know it is a drag, and I know how you feel. I won't say it is in your head, because I never did completely lose my tummy or outer thighs, even when my BMI was under 20.... sigh. And on top of not having the body I dreamed of, I also have some wringles and sags that make me look older...
More hugs,
Cindy
wait a minit...are u telling me as someone pre surgery that you went into this because of how u look???? im going into this because im too fat to move. i cant even sit comfortably. i cant actually do anything like garden or travel or ride a horse....i dont give a crap what i look like unless i will have 50 lbs of flab flapping around after all is said and done. i cant breathe, i cant walk and i struggle to get from one day to the next. if i were in your boots, id tell myself what my cardiologist tells me now...viz its o.k. just get back on the wagon tomorrow. let me know if u are able to do that.
.
I just wanted to step out there and say that there are ALOT of us that were led by vanity.. its healthier in the long run of course but I didnt have any co-morbidities.. I was just sick of being fat and yoyo-ing. I too stress over the skin on my tummy, when you look at yourself and don't meet your premeditated ideas it hurts.
Sorry babygirl. For those of us bent on self-destruction, a small stomach or a small bottom is not going to save us. **** how thin feels if its not how we interpreted the glossy brochure.
I stopped where I was on purpose, because I knew thinner was not going to look better. Everything about where I stopped and how I put on muscle has been methodical, but there are some days when I am extra tender that even now, I cannot hang around the maintenance board if they are having very many "unsatisfied with how I look in my skin" conversations, because I can "catch" group think and start to take on their thought processes. I knew I had to lift weights to give all my extra skin something nice to drape over, because I did not want to be someone who worked so hard only to hate on the "finished" product. (although, there really is no "finished" product).
And none of those things are true about me, when I am on a firm foundation - and I say that to say, even if/when you are the cute bottomed, no touching thigh girl, something may well rock your core and screw up your foundation and picking at and being unsatisfied with you is a habit, and so its where we knee jerk to.
Me? When I hear that stuff in my head, I have to fast the boards and go back to catching those thoughts and replacing them with something else.
Its okay to mourn who you are not for a bit, natural even, but I hope you can move over just a half an inch and see that your skin will change, your moods will change, some days you will feel better than others, and that's just a part of being a human with skin.
I do thank you for coming and sharing, and letting folks know that the sizes of our bottom and the size of our belly will not stop us from being self destructive - and that the truth is, most of us will not be, in the end, what we were going to be in our heads, without some sort of surgical intervention - and wrapping our heads around it as much as we can will serve us well.
I hope you can see you without tender eyes soon, again.
Be sweet.
I stopped where I was on purpose, because I knew thinner was not going to look better. Everything about where I stopped and how I put on muscle has been methodical, but there are some days when I am extra tender that even now, I cannot hang around the maintenance board if they are having very many "unsatisfied with how I look in my skin" conversations, because I can "catch" group think and start to take on their thought processes. I knew I had to lift weights to give all my extra skin something nice to drape over, because I did not want to be someone who worked so hard only to hate on the "finished" product. (although, there really is no "finished" product).
And none of those things are true about me, when I am on a firm foundation - and I say that to say, even if/when you are the cute bottomed, no touching thigh girl, something may well rock your core and screw up your foundation and picking at and being unsatisfied with you is a habit, and so its where we knee jerk to.
Me? When I hear that stuff in my head, I have to fast the boards and go back to catching those thoughts and replacing them with something else.
Its okay to mourn who you are not for a bit, natural even, but I hope you can move over just a half an inch and see that your skin will change, your moods will change, some days you will feel better than others, and that's just a part of being a human with skin.
I do thank you for coming and sharing, and letting folks know that the sizes of our bottom and the size of our belly will not stop us from being self destructive - and that the truth is, most of us will not be, in the end, what we were going to be in our heads, without some sort of surgical intervention - and wrapping our heads around it as much as we can will serve us well.
I hope you can see you without tender eyes soon, again.
Be sweet.
hey your being tooooo hard on your self think of what you accompised you are heathy l am 56 having the sleeve tues l am scared to death that my skin will be so saggy my husband will not want me but l will deal with that if it comes PLEASE dont do this to your self talk to some one before it gets out of control God Bless remeber all of us could of taken the easy way out and stayed overweight but we had the guts to fight for our lives .
I am so sorry you are feeling bad about your looks. My doc told me that I may get down to my high school weight but i still wont look like I did in high school. I sort of knew that, as maybe you did too, but there is this lingering hope that you will be the one that doesnt have all the extra skin. My advice would be to enjoy where you are now, let your body settle into it's new weight and then if you are still unhappy get some plastic surgery. But always remember, you are beautiful. There are so many out there ready to beat us up emotionally already, we don't need to do it to ourselves. And as my. Good old dad use to say. "shake it off and move on". Don't forget how good you feel with your weight loss and, most importantly, how healthy you feel. Good luck and I hope this passes quickly.
maggie
(((HUGS))) I worry about this very thing when I finally reach goal. I'm only 15 pounds away and at this point my skin looks pretty bad. WLS thighs (you know the look), saddlebags, wrinkly tummy, and batwings. I'm only going to be 40 next month but I've been fat forever plus genetics apparently are not on my side.
Yes, I had VSG for health reasons. BUT I also want to LOOK and FEEL attractive. After all, most of my life I've been obese and like many people here have a poor self body image. So yes, I do care what I look like. I understand what you're expressing in this post.
Because I can't afford plastics, I know I'm not going to be happy with the "at goal" look either. That is where wt training comes into play.
Maybe consider counseling? Or read the wonderful books Brandilynn suggests. Keep posting. We are here for you!
Jennifer
Yes, I had VSG for health reasons. BUT I also want to LOOK and FEEL attractive. After all, most of my life I've been obese and like many people here have a poor self body image. So yes, I do care what I look like. I understand what you're expressing in this post.
Because I can't afford plastics, I know I'm not going to be happy with the "at goal" look either. That is where wt training comes into play.
Maybe consider counseling? Or read the wonderful books Brandilynn suggests. Keep posting. We are here for you!
Jennifer 
hi there. pleased to meet you. ~jennifer
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