The difference between my son and me...

Friday I told my oldest son I planned to have WLS surgery in January.

His reply to me, "You can do it on your own.  Why do you need surgery?  Just stop eating the foods you shouldn't!"

I really want to be annoyed with him for that response, and yet, I can't.  In fact, it speaks volumes to me about myself and my willpower.  Since then, I have questioned myself over and over... why CAN'T I do this on my own?  What's the matter with ME?

He's 24 years old, in the prime of his life.  And when he was 20, an emergency illness led us to discover he has severe food allergies.  For the past 3+ years, this young man has avoided all foods containing dairy, eggs, and wheat.  Taken together, those foods make up a huge portion of what I eat that helps keeps me fat.  He has little in the way of carbs - no bread, no cake, no pasta, and no fatty dairy products such as milk, cheese, ice cream, no mashed potatoes, baked potatoes with butter and sour cream... all things I love and just can't seem to say no to.

He will not touch food from a restaurant or fast-food for fear of cross-contamination.  He has not had a meal prepared by anyone but himself or me for years now.

Why does he have that willpower and I don't?  He had normal food for 20 years, and stopped it cold-turkey.  His birthday was yesterday.  He had no cake or ice cream... he did for the first 20 years of his, and ice cream was his FAVORITE food.  He loved mashed potatoes and gravy!  And yet, he can turn the other cheek to it now.  How can he do that?  He knows the consequences, that's true, but for me, I know the consequenses of weighing 300 lbs and a family history of early death.  And yet, I don't say no.

This is a ramble., and I guess I just wanted to get it out..  But it does have me questioning, why he can do it, and I can't...

Simply stated, because his life depends on it.  Sometimes, that's what it takes for obese people to wake up.  If it were you who was told that if you ever touched those foods again you would die I'm sure you wouldn't do it. 

 Uh, not sure that's willpower on his part or self preservation, if the foods you needed to avoid made you feel sick or caused an allergic reaction then you would not eat them either. 

Have you ever tried to do it on your own? What what the result? If you are like many of us the result was a short term loss with a regain that was more then what you lost. 

If you want the surgery to help you get and stay at a goal, if it will help you to have the willpower to succeed then why fight it? Many people say "Oh you could do it on your own" but they have never walked in our shoes so how can they know what we are able to handle in our lives. 

The statistics are against you, I think its like 95% of the people who lose weight on their own gain it back, why not give yourself and edge that will keep you out of that percentage? You have nothing to feel bad about, you are making a positive change in your life. 

IMHO, because you (like me) are addicted to food and clearly, thankfully, your son did not inherit that addiction.  Unlike a drug or alcohol addict, we food addicts can't just remove the substance from our daily lives - we have to eat to live.  VSG helps us to limit that addiction or there are painful consequences.

 Actually, for many obese people, their life depends on it too.  So, I don't think it's that factor.  Although there is a more immediate consequence in his case, so perhaps that contributes.  It's the same reason a smoker smokes, a crackhead hits the pipe and the alcoholic drinks - you are addicted and food is your drug of choice.  In a lot of cases there is a chemical dependency to a lot of foods you eat - but even more, I think, there is an emotional "feel good" quick fix aspect to it.  I did not consider myself an emotional eater, that is, I did not turn to food in times of stress.  But I know I got a little rush from eating cupcakes and cheeseburgers etc.  

So, good for him.  We are not all that strong.  I am not embarrassed to admit I need a tool.  I tried and failed on my own and that is that.  I am not going to beat myself up over it any longer.  What good does that do?  So you are feeling fat, unhealthy AND beat up.  Where is that going to get you?  I would do this again, a million times over.  People can either support me or stay out of my way - because I did this for ME.

Wonderful response, Kristy!

We do tend to be more adaptable when younger - of the vegetarians/vegans out there, how many started as teenagers? When younger and less experienced, it is much easier to find something to truely "believe in" than when older and more cynical. Also, a serious health threat can certainly focus one's attention.

You do need to look at yourself and your drives as to which procedures fits you best. I had already made a lot of the healthy dietary and lifestyle changes several years ago in trying to beat my wife down the scale when she had her DS. Of course I couldn't succeed in that (she lost over 200lb and has kept it off six years later) but did succeed in losing a substantial portion of my excess weight and kept it off but couldn't get around the volume that I still needed, so I finally went with the VSG to finish the job. I wasn't as extreme as your son has been, but the "bad" things were in the scant minority of my diet.

I expect that since I had already made most of the requisite diet/exercise/lifestyle changes ahead of time that I will have an easier time on the maintenance end of things and maintaining a healthy weight long term than those who were forced into the changes to satisfy their short term post-op goals - it's fairly easy to stick to this new regimen while the weight is coming off fairly consistently, but is often much harder once things stabilize. My wife had many of the weaknesses that you have, and still does, but the DS allows her somewhat more flexibility in giving in to those weaknesses than the VSG, RNY or bands do.

Interesting perspectives.

I should add, he doesn't have an immediate reaction... an over abundance of eosinophilic (allergy related) cells cause destruction of his esophogus over time.  I am happy to say his latest endoscopy shows wonderfully healthy tissue.

I do agree with the food addiction.  It is my source of comfort, it is my go-to for all things when I am unhappy... and it is a viscious cycle.  Love-hate!  If my tummy isn't full, I feel like something is 'missing'.  .  
 
So I suppose that leads me to agree that, yes, he and I probably do view food completely differently.  It is comfort for me, it is energy for him.  That's why I don't 'get' how he can't not mourn the food he can't have, and he doesn't 'get' why I can't just say no and walk away.  Regardless, he is a good son, and will support me in my choice for WLS... he has seen me struggle through diet after diet, and doesn't want to lose his momma to obesity-related death.  

It's not that I didn't realize I have food issues and use food as my emotional outlet, but this really does make me realize I must confront those issues in order to be succesful at weight-loss, even with surgery. However, unless I have a severe reduction in the amount of food I can eat, I'm sure I won't confront them as I should.

I have my pre-op meeting with the WLS psychologist next month, and he is also the leader of my surgeon's weekly support groups.  I have a feeling he will be a huge part of helping me change my lifestyle and perception of food.

Thanks y'all.

I think it's great you posted this thread because many, if not all, of us have thought at one time or another "Why can't I just walk away/not eat that/resist temptation/have a normal relationship with food." 

Good luck on your journey!

This is a great post and something people really need to consider. Thank you for sharing it with us!