Dear VSG forum - my boyfriend has pretty much left me cuz I got fat & chose surgery

When I hear women say that their man comments on their weight and what they eat regularly alarm bells go off. It's one thing if it's genuine concern for someone's health but otherwise it's an indication of someone who is shallow and controlling.

I saw a friend from high school the other day. She's very slender. Her weight hasn't changed since she got married more than 15 years ago. Her husband (who is 50lbs heavier than his wedding day) has recently complained to her that she's developed a small pot belly after having two children. WTF? What dreamland is this guy living in? This woman is extremely fit and at a healthy weight and this guy's acting like she's letting herself go big time. 

I would nip this issue with your man in the bud now - before surgery. You need to have a chat. Tell him you love him and don't want to see your relationship strained/destroyed from going through surgery. Tell him what support you need from him and give examples of what isn't constructive. Point out initially if he slips up. After that, either accept it or walk away. That's all you can do. 

Here's my similar story...

I was in a longterm relationship with someone when I got sick and had to go on disability for 12 weeks. Over those 12 weeks I kept hearing him say "what if you never get better, I don't know if I could take of you". We were planning on getting married and having a family together and all I could think was "Am I crazy to be with this guy? If he's worried about 12 weeks what will he be like while I take a year off for maternity leave (which is standard in Canada)? Worse yet, what if I develop a serious illness and can no longer work?" I hadn't asked him to do anything more around the house or for a single penny while I was on a reduced income. What if I actually needed to one day?

Needless to say, when I got better I ended our relationship and moved on to a guy that would never in a million years say that. He loves me, sick or healthy, on maternity leave or out in the workforce bringing home the bacon. I've never regretted that break-up.

Good luck with your surgery.

Keep it movin boo............... I know I know love is a MF sometimes. You deserve so much better, you owe it to yourself.  Life is short  someone would worship the ground you walk on (regardless of your size).  Never limit your possibilities you will only short change yourself .

My lovely man of 2 1/2 yrs did the same thing I believe. And he is 49. I weighed 150 when I met hime he asked me to quit smoking I did and gained 40 lbs he left saying he didnt know if he was in love with me I lost 25 he came back stood another year I had my band removed started gaining and again he doesnt know ifhe knows what love is. Hurtful but I would rather know now. he had the nerve to ask me if i was having surgery so he would fall in love with me and I told him that when you love somebody weight doesnt matter. Good luck you will do great...

Look at it this way... he's looking at you as an extensions of HIMSELF, rather than as the individual you are. When you get heavy, it reflects badly on HIM, and has nothing to do with concern for your health and happiness. Any children brought into this relationship would most likely be treated as "property" as well.

Just my 2 cents.

Kick this controlling abuser to the curb.  "When he returns"????  Take back your power, girl, don't LET him back in your life.  You will only be subjected to more of the same.  Many many fish in the sea, hon, and there are some wonderful men out there.  Heal yourself from this abuse (which may take time), figure out what's wrong with your "radar" that causes you to pick this type, and go find yourself a Prince.

Zee, he sounds by polar, up and down. You know you will be surprised how many men would love to have a woman who is a (Small) size eight. Are you kidding me? Get rid of him! What will he do once you gain weight when you get pregnant? Make you go to 24 hour fitness. If he was your best friend he would never make you feel less than. He sounds like a crumb! 

Controlling and very toxic. I know it's hard but you need to run away, as fast as you can. Work on yourself and build yourself up. It will be hard but once you are stronger and healthier you will look back and laugh at this guy. You will also be opening yourself up to meeting someone that will love you no matter what! I am 38 and married my husband last year at my heaviest, almost 300 lbs. He was also my bf when I was 170 lbs 7 years before that. It is the best relationship I have ever had and he doesn't see my weight at all. When I hold up my old clothes he still doesn't believe I was that big. I call it the shallow hall syndrome but really it's unconditional love and it's wonderful. Please, don't waste your beauty and light on him. My husband never goes with me to the gym and is flattered when If i ever get hit on...he's so secure it's sickening..lol. It used to bother me but now I realize it's drama free and he trusts me! I would never violate that so it goes both ways.

I will stop rambling but girl, you know better. You need to take care of yourself and let him make someone else miserable.

~ Lori

Controlling and borderline abusive.....say goodbye as hard as it is. You deserve to be happy!

I agree with all the previous posters. This sounds like abuse. YOu say you can't imagine being with anyone else. That's because you're still in the thick of it. If you choose to end the relationship, don't worry about being with anyone else for now. Take care of yourself. Concentrate on your new way of life, learn to love yourself. Only then will you be able to find a great love. Good luck.

AniO

Love should be supportive, caring, and make you feel good about yourself. Doesn't sound like he's any of that. Good luck to you and am praying that you find yourself and your strength to move on.