Couch 2 5K = Couch to DEATH!

Last night  was the first installment of my 2 x a week for 5 weeks Couch to 5K class.  Let's just say that it was......different.

First off, let me say that despite a very sedentary job,  I am a farm girl.  I am no stranger to physical activity.  However, I will be 50 this month, have fibromyalgia and have had the energy of a slug for the past few weeks (I'm hoping the B12 will kick in soon).  Also, I haven't been consistently active for a while.

Secondly, it was friggin' HOT here yesterday.  We went from spring to Hades in a matter of a day or two.  It was 92 degrees with a dew point of 70% making the heat index 99.   In other works, a typical Kentucky day for this time of year.  It's like breathing thru a wet blanket.

I talked my 12 year old, slim, beautiful, fit grand-daughter into doing this with me so we could "bond".  I later told her, laughingly, that I really wanted her there to do CPR and drag my dead carcass out of the way.  She thought I was kidding.  Ha

I also made some mistakes going in:
1.  I wore the same underclothes from work under my workout clothes.  Now ladies, you'll understand this more than the guys.   First of all, some underwear is not meant to be worn when your sweaty butt cheeks are bouncing around like a bunch of snakes in a grass sack.
  Talk about getting your panties in a wad! 
2.  Secondly, voluptuous women like myself (aka corn fed gals with giant ta-tas) shouldn't wear your regular underwire bra to run in.  At least not unless you want to black both eyes and make a lot of noise (thwacka, thwacka, thwacka--that's the sweaty boobies in the face sound).   Since I used to be a runner when I was young and thin, I knew that I needed to strap those puppies down like you were chaining a load of pipe on a semi-trailer.  The problem was, I didn't think she'd actually make us RUN the first class.

So......we get to the class, and we have to go thru the usual reading of the rules, introductions, roll call taking, etc.  I looked around our group and besides my grand-daughter and a couple of young, thin, tanned girls, it was mostly out of shape looking middle aged ladies and one man.  One of the ladies probably outweighed me by about 75 pounds, one looked like she was all of 80, another looked like she had been rode hard and put up wet several times (that is a horse reference for you city folk, not anything dirty )  The instructor, who looked to be about 12 (although she talked about college and teaching school) and had a similar figure to a shovel handle, began to lead us thru our "pre-run stretching" {Say what????  "Pre-run"?}  So we all get in a circle and begin to stretch.  At first, it was easy stuff that I knew......hurdlers stretch, the butterfly, quad stretches, bending and touching our toes, etc.  Then she had us doing a stretch called the "Cover Girl" (not easy for a fat lady), some yoga stretches like downward facing dog, the cobra, the cat,  and then this torture called the "Pretzel".  You can imagine.  There was no way that a fat lady with giant ta-tas, a gut and chunky thighs was getting into THAT position.  But I did try.  During one particularly long held downward facing dog, I realized that my posterior was facing the walking trail and parking lot so everybody got a good look at my backside (talk about a bad moon rising!).  There was a particularly large amount of traffic in that area at that time because we were in the park adjacent to a little league ball game.  Wonder how many kids I warped?

So by that time, I was sweating like a 'ho in church.  Did I mention it was hot as blue blazes?  The instructor asked if we were loose.  I thought, "heck yeah, great workout.....we done?".  But noooooooo.  Then we had to run!  We had to run/walk/jog/crawl, etc. 0.6 miles and let her time us so that we could measure our progress by the end of the 5 weeks.  Great balls of fire, lady, I don't need to be timed.....if I can jog the full 6 laps around this thing at the end, I will KNOW I made progress. 

Well I was at the front of the pack when we took off.  I thought, I shouldn't do too bad. The other big lady, the 80 year old and the rode hard lady should be with me or behind me.  Wouldn't you know it, they all went around me.   All the way around that track I was looking at their backs.  After jogging about 50 yds, I told my granddaughter that I had to walk.  My boobs had about blacked both eyes and having giant ta-tas bounce like that HURTS!  So we did a fast walk around the track.  My granddaughter stayed with me (bless her little heart) even though she could've run it without breaking a sweat.  When I got within about 100 ft of the finish line, I took off like a great big herd of turtles and "ran" the last of the lap.  The granny, the hag and the large lady beat me by a long way.  Couch to 5K my patooty.....those ladies weren't as soft as they looked. 

Next time, I'm going to strap down the puppies, wear appropriate underwear and do better.  I may not be "running" a 5K in 5 weeks but I will improve.  Heck fire, I can't get much worse unless I break a foot or something.  Thursday will be here soon so I plan on some treadmill time tonight.  They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.  If that's so, I aught to be flippin' Atlas by the time this is over.

It was all worth it though to spend some one-on-one time with my first born grandchild.  To top it off, she said, "I'm really proud of you Mai Mai.  You just had surgery a couple of months ago and you didn't give up".  God Bless that child. I knew there was a reason that I loved her besides the fact that she's mine. 

 

Great "read", I smiled the whole time!  I'm actually going to attempt a 10k this September.  Right now my best time is 2 miles in 28:18.  We shall see.  Keep up the good work!  Hugs........Jennifer

OMG I'm laughing so hard I was crying...LOL So the visual was all I could think of and laugh so much I cried... Thank you for sharing that with us. Also congrats on your weight loss!!!

OMG!   I read it twice...you made my night.
Good for you for going back!

great story,,thanks for taking the time to write it...very inspriring!  you go girl!  cant wait to hear about your progress

Awesome post. I, myself, don't really run either because my giant ta-tas will knock me out even if they are strapped down. I prefer Bikram Yoga (which is yoga done at a hotter than Hades temp and humidity...yeah, I'm insane but for some reason I love it...).

Can't wait to read about Thursday!

God I love you! And I am soooooo proud of you for staring this! You are a brave inspiration to all of us I can't wait to see you in 5 weeks crossing the finish line for class head held high and tatas strapped down! I met with a personal trainer this morning and he kicked my ass as I was lolling around on the balance ball in front of those big mirrors I kept thinking of you and wishing you could see the ridiculous image you'd he rolling!

Back atcha girly!  OMG, I can just see you all stretched out on the ball!

We are going to get through this and come out on the other side all svelte and healthy!

Thanks for the laughs. As a 50 year old country gal I appreciate having another non-city-slicker around here!!

I can totally relate to the thwacka-thwacka of running. I did want to warn you that if for some reason you are asked to stand on your head, make sure you have a quality bra on, or you'll suffocate yourself when the bodacious ta-ta's cover your nostrils.

Enjoy the times with your granddaughter! They are priceless memories so many of us never had the chance to have with our grandparents.

Best wishes on this journey!

Stand on my head???!!  Girl, I haven't been able to do  that without getting a nipple in my nostril since I was about  10.  Once those mammajammas started growing, they just went BADOING and there they were.

I was fortunate enough to be very close to my grandmother and am trying to have that kind of relationship with my grandbabies.