Hamburger is EVIL (aka I am a pig)

Let it be understood that I have been a very compliant patient with my surgeon's "plan".

Since I am 6 weeks and a few days post-op.  I am in the "incorporate regular food into your diet" stage.  So far, so good.

Besides that, I NEVER puke.  I can only remember puking 3 times in my adult life:
1.  One time with food poisoning (I gave a new meaning to "projectile" vomiting)
2.  Once during a gall bladder attach while 7 months pregnant
3.  After a particularly memorable evening when I over indulged in Tequila shots, Salty Dawgs, Maker's Mark and lots of Chili with beans.  I said it was memorable, not wise or pleasant.

My sleeve journey has been one of learning and changing both physically and mentally.  When it comes to successful eating, I have learned a few things:
1.  If I go several hours without eating, I get my version of "hungry".  It's kinda a crampy, burning, hollow feeling that means I AM EMPTY DUMMY...FEED ME.
2.  The worst possible thing I can do, other than go too long without eating, is to try and shut up that voice telling me to HURRY UP AND EAT DAMMIT!
3.  It's also really bad to go to the grocery during one of these internal fits because I want to find something I can eat, (say like yogurt)  rip the top off and suck the container flat before getting to the check-out.  They frown upon you standing in the dairy section slurping your tongue around the inside of a smooshed yogurt container like a starving anteater over an anthill.  Believe me...not a socially graceful moment and cause for being asked to shop elsewhere.  
 
Anyhoo.....Friday night, in a hungry sleeve state, I retrieved a hamburger patty from the fridge that my husband had grilled the night before.  I usually chop up any meat into small bite sized pieces and measure it out in a 1/2 cup measuring cup before heating it.  (I go by volume, not weight).  But not this time (mistake #1).  I eyeballed the small patty that my DH had made just for me, nuked it and topped it with pepper jack, mozzarella,  and course black pepper.

I then sat down in front of the TV (mistake #2) to watch DVR'd NCIS (love me some Mark Harmon) and began to eat my burger.  I cut it up into small pieces (not small enough, mistake #3) and munched on one bite after another.  I suddenly realized that it had only been about 15 minutes and I had eaten all but a couple of bites of the burger that was probably much larger than I had estimated.   (mistake #4).  I also realized that I felt like I had a softball behind my breastbone.  A few seconds later, I felt like my burger was rubbing against my tonsil scars while trying to bungee jump using my uvula for a rope.

Oh the PAIN!!!  Every time I talked to my hubby or the dog, I felt like the remnants of that burger was waving at them.  Then I began to cough.  After the second cough, I felt my supper rising like Vesuvius about to blow.  I jumped up to run to the nearest bathroom.  But no.  Gus the wonderdog, worried about the noises his Mommy was making, decided to plant his giant self in front of me.  We danced a little (with him stepping on my feet with his hugacious paws and mountain lion claws****il I gacked a small amount.  Thank God I caught it in my hand {shudder}.  Finally made it to the bathroom (with Gus right behind me to supervise the clean up) and felt a little better.  I had just sat down on the couch again, in fresh pajamas and freshly washed, dog draped across my lap, when the imminent eruption warning bells began to go off again.  Instead of trying to make it to the bathroom, I launched off the couch (I beat Gus...ha) and ran to the trash can in the kitchen.  The next few minutes went something like this....

"Ohhhhh Lord.......AaahhhOOOOOga......yuck.......Gus get your big black nose out of the way ..........AaaOOOga.....{shudder}......spit......Oh my Lord.....no Gus quit licking my leg........Gus I'm ok -- go to Daddy.........AaaOOOOga......Honey come get this dog........spit {shudder} spit.........bloody hell...........I thought I told you to come get this .....AaaahhhOOOOga.......Ohhhhhh....spit, spit, {shudder}hack.......how in the devil did I get puke in my cleavage?..........AaahhhOOOOga......spit, spit........{shudder}.......Honey will you take out the garbage?."

A second round of cleanup with a scrubbing of the teeth and I felt like a million bucks.  My pain was gone, the softball had departed, and my tonsil scars/uvula were again unmolested.    My tummy was placid.  Poor Gus however, was a basket case all night.  He stayed with his head in my lap or cuddled up, nearly on top of me all night. Every time I moved or made a sigh, Gus would launch off the couch like I had pinched his big hairy butt.  The hubby was duly sympathetic, even after taking out the garbage.  Another benefit to being married to a EMT/Fireman with a cast iron stomach and nerves of steel.

My tummy did not suffer from the abuse and I was able to eat fine the next day.  I even had an NSV.  Went to a wedding/reception and did not eat a bite of anything....not even cake!

The moral of this story:
1.  Measure your servings!
2.  Chew, Chew, Chew and chew some more.
3.  Teeny, tiny, eetsy, bitsy, bites especially with dense protein
4.  Pay attention to what, how, and how much you are eating
5.  Don't puke in your hand.  It's nasty. 

Though I know this wasn't meant to be funny, but rather informative in nature, I enjoyed reading this post! I'm an English teacher, so I appreciate your descriptiveness. Now, if only I could get my students to write like this, life would be grand (sighs heavily)!!! I'm glad that in the end, a lesson was learned!! Great Post....as always!!  

Oh, I do love a good cautionary tale!

Especially when it involves Gus, lololol!!!

Girl! I know that feeling well!!  That happens to me when I eat chicken!!  I have thrown up 4 times - all with chicken! Needless to say - I'm not eating chicken again for a very long time!  Did you get that lovely foam in your mouth?  I thought I had rabies!!!!!!!!!!!!  lol!!!

Burger doesn't work for me...at all. Steak, although I adore it, never works well either. I have found only the most tender good cuts of beef work, or something thats been marinated till it falls apart.
I know this was a cautionary tale, but your stories and Gus the wonder dog always crack me up till I snort. We have Beagles, so I empathise with your Gus trials. They're shorter...but there are two of them. This morning Baz climbed in the shower with me. I love showering with my Hubby...the Beagle...not so much. At least the Hubby brings his own towel!

Heidi

OK, a few reactions here:

1) I LOVE Gus.

2) I think Mark Harmon has some connection to the island I live on.  I saw him at restaurants a few times last summer. 

3) I can eat burger fine.  I measure an ounce and take teeny tiny chewed-to-hell bites.  No problem for me.

4)  You are a hilarious writer.  "Suck the container flat"???  Seriously, keep all your sleeve writings and think about getting them published.  I think a comedic weight loss surgery book might sell well.  I'd buy it, so let me know.

Thanks All!

StephN--Glad you like my ramblings.   When I took my English courses in HS and College, I was always told that my writing was too "wordy".  Humph.  I'm glad to know that not all Engligh teachers feel that way!  BTW, I was a "TK" (teacher's kid for those of you outside the profession) so I always had a rich vocabulary.  My Mom used to encourage the use of descriptives and multiple syllable words!

Carmelita:  Heck yeah!  Tell me how to get your son's book so I can maybe make some money on the side.

Kris:  No foamies.  More like some drooling followed by me immitating a fire hose!

Dragon Girl:  My dog doesn't get in the shower with me (he has unpleasant memories of being dragged into the shower for a bath when he was smaller) but sticks his nose under the curtain and slurps up the water.  I'll see the curtain moving and a big black nose and long pink tongue invading my space. 

Thanks Jac!

Everyone that knows Gus loves him.

I really need to post some new pics of him.  He's a good looking guy and because he thinks he's a people, he is really very expressive.

Thanks for the suggestion about saving my posts.

OMG - tears are rolling down my face from laughing!  Thanks for teaching me such an important and valuable lesson in such an entertaining way!!!!