Squeeze your knees and think of Jesus

I am starting my 6th week post op and have been on solids for nearly 2 weeks.  Since my gallbladder removal in 2000, I have always had a tendency to make a quick exit to the loo after eating.  Well....with the liquid diet, etc., let's just say that getting between me and the toilet when the urge hit was like crossing the freeway in rush hour.  Count on getting run over.

Now being on solids, I noticed a significant change in my daily constitutionals.  For the first time EVER, I was almost normal.  Until yesterday.

A little back info first (and this will be important to the story later):  1,  I have a Very Big Dog.  Gus is 165 pounds of laid back love, except when my husband or I come home.  When we pull up to the house, you can see him thru the french doors wagging his tail so hard his butt is almost touching his ears with each swing.  And he always has one of his stuffed animals (usually one of the great big ones) in his mouth.  When we get in the house we have to love on him AND the toy or he blocks the entryway until he is satisfied.  2.  We live out in the boonies at the end of a quarter mile driveway.  We only have one set of neighbors that are close enough to see their house well.  Needless to say, we don't have people "drop by" and if we do, Gus usually lets us know before they get anywhere near the house.

Well, yesterday, I was calmly driving home, drinking my water when a "pain" hit.  This pain was not a bad pain but more like an "OMG, I need to GO!!" pain.  There was a lot of ominous gurgling and rumbling so I thought "maybe it's just gas" but was afraid to test that theory.  I was a few miles from home so I did what I told my daughter to do when she went into premature labor:   "Just squeeze your knees and think of Jesus, baby".    That didn't help.  I was sweating like a 'Ho in church.  So I sped home, bumped (OMG the bumps) down the gravel driveway and skidded to a halt at the house.  Sure enough, as I fumbled for my house keys, there was Gus, wagging away with a stuffed Bear in the Big Blue House bear in his mouth.  I shot thru the door like a scalded cat.  I did not have time to pet the dog and the bear without making the mud room wall look like a Jackson Pollack painting.  I tried to rush down the hall to the bathroom.  Instead, I did a tango with Gus and the Bear.  I thought, "dear Lord, I'm going to poo in the floor!"  Just about that time, the tango ended and I went sprawling on the floor.  As I was trying to get back up on my hands and knees while keeping my butt cheeks firmly clamped shut (just try it...nearly impossible), and fending off slobbery kisses, the door bell rang.  Who in the name of all that is holy is at my door and how will they react if I answer with poo streaming down my leg?  Just then I caught a glimpse out the window of the UPS hottie loping back to his truck.  Oh thank God I don't have to answer the door!!  I gave Gus a glare because he didn't do his usually freak out at the sound of a strange vehicle but he just gave me one of his goofy, slobbery grins.  I jumped up (again, with butt cheeks tightly clenched) and waddled like a crack crazed penguin to the bathroom.  I skidded to a halt just in time to notice no TP to found anywhere.  Another crack crazed penguin waddling trip to the pantry and I finally reached my porcelain goal.  The next few minutes can be left to your imagination but I will say that my dog, who usually acts like a toddler and won't let me use the bathroom in peace, vacated the area and went to hide in my husband's closet.  And it wasn't "just gas" 
  I don't know what I ate or did that made the difference.  Everything I ate that day were things I'd eaten before without that outcome.  I didn't feel bad or hadn't been upset.  No new meds, etc.  I've gone thru my food log and I nothing seems to be the culprit

So...as is often said on this board, NEVER TRUST A FART.  I will add that if you are having poo issues, don't worry.  Like the weather here in Kentucky, it can change anytime.  And that change may come like a flash of lightening.  Just remember to "squeeze your knees and think of Jesus"........

I LOVE your posts!

 

Millersdaughter-

Thank you for the wonderful story and the belly laugh!  I have tears in my eyes still.  What's important is that you are keeping your humor!  Thanks again.

Cindi

PS I have a cat that wraps around your legs when I'm headed to the bathroom.  I'll work on training him some before my surgery.

Omg
Lmao!!

OMG I'm laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face.  That is the funniest post I have read in a very long time.  Your writing is so descriptive that I could easily picture everything that was going on.  Too funny!

Our new tummies are strange creatures and what works for you one day will not work the next.  Unfortunately, you will just have to roll with it and you should level out within the next few weeks/months. 

I had a similar experience except I had to stop at a gas station to take care of business.  Unfortunatel, it was a one holer/unisex bathroom.  I flushed multiple times to cut down on the smell but omg, nothing can mask that odor.  Anyway, there was a rattle at the door so I new someone was waiting. I quickly finished up, flushed a few more times, hoping to give the waiting person some clue as to what they were about to experience, washed hands and made a quick exit, only to come face to face with a complete hottie.  I scooted out of their so fast, jumped in my car and speed away before he could come after me demanding to know what the hell died.

Oh, the joys of surgery!!

Absolutely hysterical,  I can so relate.

Almost spit out my protein shake laughing so hard!

OMG...I laughed out loud when I read this!!! We have a pack (2) of Beagles to contend with when we walk in the door. Yes I know it takes more than two to make a pack...but walking in the door to baying and howling in pure joy makes them seem like many more of them.

Gotta love those fur babies!!

Glad everthing "came out" o.k.!

Heidi

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I love Gus!