My secret is I have no secrets. Long. No, REALLY. Surprise! :}

My secret is I have no secrets!!!

 

"Really!!??" You ask?  "You seem so stoic and reluctant to share all the time, Brandi," you say.  Hey!!  Shaddup you!! 

 

Okay, looka here.  I HAVE ISSUES, lets just get that out right now.  I have been heavy it seems for all of my life and I have been the following things. 

 

A sneak eater (hey!  Why are all these freaking wrappers under the damned car seat?)

A liar about eating (what? No!  We ate all of that yesterday!)

A trance eater (Pain, discomfort, excessive joy?  TOO much emotions MUST be quelled).

A boredom eater.

A binger and a purger.

A ravenous human who only stopped eating because it was "polite" to do so, not because she was "full"

A freaking pit.  There was really no end to how much I *could* eat.  I was hungry all the time and there was always room for more and I am not talking no Jell-O puddnin crap!

 

I have a huge long history of eating to quell childhood stuff, insecurity, shyness, feeling inadequate, less than everyone around me, being lonely, being frustrated, trying to be good and nice and not make a fuss, staying under the radar, blahblahblah.  I have a nice chunk of childhood trauma in my back ground with ChesterTheMolester as my 1st step father.  From 4 until 12 we moved and played a game called "your last name is" every time we moved.  I do not know where along the line I picked up the habit of saying horribly self defeating things to me, but honey, I did - and I was EXCELLENT at self defeat.  Hell!  Even in my fantasy arguments with people I would lose!  How sad is that!?!  I snuck food, I have stolen money for food from people I loved, I have lied about how much I have eaten, I have food binged myself into a haze, I have BOOZE binged myself into a haze.  I was the ONLY heavy person in my family on both sides as far back as I can see, BUT I AM NOT THE ONLY JUNKIE!!!  Food and sometimes booze was just my numbing device of preference. 

 

So - all of that to say, I *GET IT* when folks have their "yea buts" about why they cant, and they just think, and they cant stop... I DO.  But YOU CAN.   

 

AND THIS IS WHY I CANNOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE SAFETY NETS I HAVE IN PLACE!!  I have lost hundreds of pounds before, and never could KEEP it off.  These things that I keep yammering on about ?  These things are safety nets I put in place to PROTECT MY INVESTMENT IN ME!!  Okay? 

 

Does everyone need to do this?  Absolutely not!  Do *I* need to do this. Abso******glutely, my friend.  Am I ashamed?  Hells to the no.  Am I obsessed?  Double hells to the no.  I AM KEEPING MYSELF SAFE FROM HAVING TO GO BACK TO THE PERSON I WAS.  I was her for the first half of my life.  She deserves me to be a better friend than I was.  I did not know better and I did what I could with what I had.  I do not resent her, I am not mad with her, she did her best.  But - now I am grown, I make choices, I deal with consequences.  No whining, no crying. 

 

I lost 120something pounds and have kept it off for nearly a year and a half.  I am 2 years out come May.  I HAVE MAINTAINED NEARLY A YEAR AND A HALF BECAUSE THESE ARE THE THINGS I DO TO PROTECT MY INVESTMENT!!

 

Me - getting to goal, I had to get there AND FAST!  I am the queen of not finishing things.  I read every single "help, I am X out and I have gained X weight" because look - you listen to the traffic to see where the jams are AND YOU TAKE A DIFFERENT ROUTE!!  If someone could tell you where the potholes WERE, wisdom says MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE!!  These things are a lot about your MIND, and less about YOUR FOOD.  I stayed between 600 to 800 calories per day and stayed under 20 max g of carbs. I *knew* this was how I could GET to goal and I could figure out maintenance when I got there.  NOT EVERYONE GETS TO GOAL!! Everyone has to figure out how to maintain wherever they decide to land.

 

I did ****pots of cardio until I called goal.  Not everyone wants to, not everyone can.  See above I NEEDED TO GET TO GOAL!!  I do not have the hyperfocus for long periods of time that some folks do, *know yourself, set yourself up for success*

 

When I called goal (At a size, because who knew what a healthy, lean me looked like?) I switched from WEIGHT LOSS to FAT LOSS.  I picked lifting back up again.  I am of the cardio and lifting on the same day are counterproductive school of thought.  Not everyone is, and there are as many schools of thought here as there are for carbs or not carbs or whatever - but anyway - I *knew* plastics were not in my future unless I had rashes that made it medically necessary, so I planned ahead to give my extra skin some nice muscle to drape over.  :} 

 

I did and still measure my food.  I do not look for "full."  Full changes depending on hormones, how my day was, are the dogs rolling in turkey **** is there enough work to get my production numbers in, is my love being a little bit grumpus, you get the picture.  FULL CHANGES!!  I had this so *some* food could be *enough.*  I knew that other folks "normal" was not going to be something I could be, * see above regarding issues* :}

 

I found out that my body PREFERS lowER carb (than most folks), I run BEST on it, I think clearer, function better, can get my 6 hours of sleep and jump outta bed and on with my day at 3 in the morning and hit the sack at 9 at night and sleep well and get up and do it again, amen.  EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!  Some folks need more carbs!!  I walked a marathon being low carb, I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE FOLKS!  :}  So.. this is just how it works for me!  I also have trigger food issues, so - that plays into my carb tolerance A LOT, but I can binge on ANYTHING!

 

I NEED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE TO ME!! I do this by STILL logging my foods (see above issues, I have also honed my "food amnesia skills" and this is the way I am accountable to me, and I also log my activities.  I did not eat my "exercise" calories until I called goal. Now I have to, because I do not care to lose any more weight.  I cannot do the whatcha eating or weigh in threads because I get this weird thing in my head that says if I am accountable to anyone else, I do not have to be accountable to me.  Yea, weird, whatevs, but KNOW YOURSELF, SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS!!

 

I use 10 Thin Commandments to help me figure out how to keep foods in my life that I love WITHOUT HAVING TO WEAR THEM!!  http://books.google.com/books?id=Nl2bfrlGW4AC&lpg=PR1&ots=Fr kuEEWBTi&dq=%22thin%20commandments%22&pg=PR4#v=onepage&q&f=f alse

 

I use Shrink Yourself to help me unpeel my emotional onion.  I *must* cycle through these and other books once a month to keep my head in the game and to fend of that chick in my head (Trixybich is her name!!) and remember/stay on top of those mind games that I spent YEARS honing previously. 

 

This may be obsessive sounding to some, but know what?  Its not obsessive when folks balance their checkbooks, or look at their dividends to know where they are, what they can "risk" et cetera. This, for me is a REASONABLE way to PROTECT MY INVESTMENT!

 

I come here and share.  Sometimes when you share you say something you did not really think you thought, or know you knew!  ITS GOOD FOR YOU TO BE HERE!  At some point it will wane some, but still - STAYING here and staying in touch is so much better than having to come back with your help post, ya know?  That's how it seems to me. 

 

I have learned to be moderate.  The 5 day pouch test after excess, *for me* is another form of binging and purging. It is not for everyone, but it is for me.  KNOW YOURSELF!  SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS!!  After I have an anything goes MEAL *see 10 thin commandments* once a month, then I go back to eating my regularly scheduled food. 

 

BE KIND!  Just because a thought drops in your head does not mean you have to KEEP THINKING IT!  Stop all that self defeating crap talk!  Make new good habits and start with the stuff that drops into your head!! 

 

Anyway - I am stopping now. :} Orangeyaglad? :} 

 

But my overall not so secret secret is KNOW YOURSELF!!  SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS!!

 

GETCHERASS TO GOAL!! (whatever that looks like! It could be a weight, a size, mobility, getting off meds, lots of stuff!) Be kind to yourself and others, and remember

 

Rationalization is like masturbation, you are just screwing yourself!  Tell yourself and others the truth, be sweet, be firm.  BE WELL!

Edit to add - look, we are all different in clumps, we have similar and different challenges and ways to go about getting where we need to be.  DIFFERENT IS NOT WRONG, ITS ONLY DIFFERENT!!

These things that are challenges, they are not good, or bad, its just the way it is!  Be open and willing and teachable!  You have so much to learn from you!!

 

Be sweet!  Peace out klownz!!

Brandilynn, Your insight never ceases to amaze me. I have most of the same food issues you have and it is a constant struggle to work through my issues. I have to be strict and be accountable(measuring foods, logging)in order to stay on track. For me, until I get to goal, I can't eat off plan or it turns into a quick downward spiral. I also FINALLY joined the gym yesterday to kick my ass into even higher gear!
BTW, I just ordered Shrink Yourself and am looking forward to the read!

I am like you, my friend.  I could not diddle in extras until I got to where I needed to be.  But that's okay, because it really helped me to understand how my *body* preferred to function, instead of telling it what I wanted it to run on best! 

I am thankful we got to be partners in this!  :} 

 
Well.....You dun it again......

I been waiting for your post......

Every time I think I got this thing dialed in...... I read one of your posts and you bring things up that I need to think about.

All I want to say.....Is thank you for being you !!!!

You have made me better !!!!

That didn't come out so macho.........

frisco (bubs to you)

I love your goobledy insides as much as your macho exterior, bubs.  You are always a kind and groovy supportive human, and I sure do appreciate that. 

fuh realz.

Thank you so much for this post, it was like you were in my therapy session with me :-)

If you want a new book to add to your rotation, I am "working" through  The Hunger Within
It is very insightful to the many "child" issues that I too have.

:}  Ah therapy.  I often wished I could find a therapist that I did not feel like I was paying to entertain. :}  But its all good!

That book looks really interesting!  I will have to see if the library is carrying it or if they will whistle it up for me!  Thank you!

Damn girl...You are deep. I think if I read this post 10 times I would pickup something new each time. This is definitely one to save.

Thanks for sharing.  

Thanks Mike, and thank you too for always being a most excellent supportive and kind human.  I sure do appreciate it, more than I could ever say.

Thanks so much for this Ms. BL.  You truly are a gifted writer and it gives us such insite not only into you but ourselves.  Thanks for having the guts to always "put it all out there".  So many of us have had the same issues but it's hard to say outloud.  Thank you for having the courage, which paves the way for the rest of us.

*hugs*