Am I crashing? I need help pls!

Hi all!  I haven't been here to OH in months now, and I've recently been too ashamed to come back.  Had been doing great.  Got up to about 92 lbs. or so that I lost.  Been a while since I've weighed.  I KNOW I've gained weight.  I see it on my body, my clothes fit more snug, and for the first time in quite a while I was out of breath walking down the road with my son and it felt like I was trying to carry a whole bunch more of pounds with me.  I never really plateaued.  I kept losing and losing, and now I'm gaining.  I'm sneaking food and candy from my family's sight or whoever.  i'm eating candy and stuff.  I buy one for now and one to hide in my purse to eat later.  I'm eating and eating and eating.  I really do think I'm full.  I'm just no longer paying attention, bec I think i'm trying desperately to make myself happy with food, AGAIN!!  Haven't done that in a yr. (since before my surgery).  I'm ashamed of my present eating habits.  I'm ashamed that I had surgery and that this is how I'm gonna take care of myself (OR NOT).  I have so much general anxiety almost constantly.  I'm not sure what my purpose in life is anymore.  I don't feel suicidal.  I just feel like my life is finished and that I'll just hang around until God comes and gets me.  Don't really have goals that I think I can reach.  Just being a mother, and a wife.  Here i am.  Don't know who I am.  not doing any hobbies.  not a whole lot of interest.  feel like i'm on the downside of life.  like i know what's in front of me or something.  my parents will pass away, i'll continue to get older and deal with that.  I feel like i'm finished and terribly UNFULFILLED.  I just wonder, "Why am I still here?  Besides being a wife and mother.  What is my purpose in life?  Do I still have one?  What about ME??  What does God want for me to do?"  So that's the sort of things I think I have general anxiety about.  But it's A LOT of general anxiety.  And I've had several really life changing things happen in the last 6 months that have really changed my perspective on things!  Re-arranged my life.  in the end they are ALL positive things.  Still I feel like i'm just here w/o a purpose and with my sick thinking once again that at least food will make me happy for a few minutes!!!  i need help u all.  I'm ashamed that I have this attitude and behavior about eating food and junk and candy.  I don't want to go backwards.  I'm definitely over-eating.  I'm looking for happiness.  for just a minute or 2 if nothing else.  I need u all.  Can anyone lend some words of encouragement or insight or experience or knowledge or something?!  I feel like im going down and gonna crash (weight-wise). Tks y'all! Kahne-n-LA

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are having trouble.  I wish I had the magic words to tell you how to handle this.  Perhaps you can talk to a professional counselor and get back on track. Maybe you can start from the beginning and go to liquids to a week and then soft foods.  Get out of the sweets cycle.  I don't know, just a suggestion. Just know that we are all here for you and wanting to help in anyway possible, even if it is just a place for you to vent.  And NEVER, NEVER be embarrassed or ashamed to come here and tell us how you are.  We all have our problems, every one of us. Keep us posted. Perhaps you can let us know everyday how your day was and what you ate.  Good luck.

hi, i am new to this, but i am so saddened to hear how you are feeling.  is there a support group in your area?  i think it would be a good idea to have somewhere to go and express yourself and hear others struggles and how they dealt with them.  i think this board is a great place too and am impressed that you reached out early in your despair.  that is a fantastic sign that you don't want to go back to where you were emotionally.  you can nip this in the bud and then use this experience to make you stronger.  try to look at it as a slight curve in the road, but not a u turn.  you can do it.  feel free to email me anytime.  michelle

It sounds like you are in a deep depression.  I've been there and done it and it's not a fun thing to go thru.   Do you take an anti-depressent?  If not, please contact your doctor and let him know how you're feeling.  Actually, whether you take an anti-depressent or not, please call your physican and tell him how you're feeling.  I'll keep you in my thoughts.   Phyllis

I agree with the other post- you sound very depressed.  You obviously cared enough about yourself to get WLS.  You will care about yourself again.  However, you need to call your doctor ASAP and talk about your feelings.  WLS does not fix our brains.  We will continue to fight treating everything with food.  Hang in there and get help from your doctor.

Although I have not yet had my surgery, I have had depression and I agree with the others about seeing an MD and perhaps trying to find a support group, I am already trying to prepare myself emotionally for the loss of my favorite reinforcer, pain reliever, feeling soother, numbing agent which has been food for many years. I know that I will have to find something to put in its place and am working to set some support and accontability stuff up for myself after the surgery.  I think you took a huge step in taking care of yourself by posting rather than continuing to ride the runaway train.

The first step is admitting that u have a problem....u have now done that...and thats excellent... It will be really hard, but u have to start over.. Stop with the candy and junk...Stop hiding food and thinking that u will get comfort out of it...bc that just doesnt happen. You have found that out, right?  Start back to basics with liquids and protein drinks.. get off the carbs..up the protein and water.. and get out and walk some...get some fresh air... I would recommend seeing ur doctor as well..talk to him about ur feelings...perhaps he will prescribe something that will help you. Also, the support group idea is a good one...or a therapist. Either one could really help you. Please dont feel ashamed or embarassed... we all have issues with food here...thats what we have elected for WLS...its not an easy journey..and it really never ends I dont think.. We will always have bad food tendencies and have to keep track of that...and keep it at bay.. I wish u good luck...and im here if u wanna chat sometime.. hugs..

OMG!!! I just relived my life before depression meds just reading your post. Run don't walk to your Dr. and get some little happy pills. I remember days just trying to put one foot in front of the other, cause all I could think is WHY??? whats here for me?? The heavyness in my chest, the complete feeling of worthlessness. Don't be ashamed to get help. The sun will shine again, and you will love you again. Untill then I will be thinking and sending good thoughts to you. Peace.....K.

I deal with intermittent depression and I take antidepressants. What you describe is exactly how I feel when I am going through one of my depressive episodes. I don't get them that often but when they hit...they hit hard and I always think the same things you said you think about...about life in general..what am I here for...why am I here...what is the deal with the whole thing...it is an awful feeling and it isn't good on us to feel this way. So I always try to write it out when I am going through this...that helps..and then listen to others...I also see a counselor about once a month and that is a huge help...it is just like going and talking to your closest friend for an hour. Only this friend knows exactly what to say. Yes you have purpose...yes you have a life...but I would never ever want to offend you...but it does sound as though maybe you need a little help with this...talk to your doctor...antidepressants nowadays don't have too many side effects and on some like zoloft one of the side effects is weight LOSS....just something to think about...and they work. I can always tell when I am feeling better. Please talk here all you like...nothing ever to be ashamed about....we all come from a place where we over ate. So any of us can do the same thing that you are doing at any time. Sometimes we just need a hand to get back up. :-) You are important and you deserve the best life has to give you. hugggggsssss Sherri

I'm so very sorry you are feeling so bad. It really seems that you are very depressed. Please contact your PCP and speak with them, or perhaps get a referral to a professional counselor or therapist. Antidepressant medication can certainly help and this is nothing to be embarrassed about. We do understand! Call and set up a time to speak with your nutritionist, too. You have taken  the important first step in recognizing things aren't going as they should. We do care! Please call your PCP right away. I'll keep you in my prayers. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))