An observation of sorts...

Happy Bunny Day All! As I sit here this pm I have been writing & thinking about the affects WLS has had on my life and as some of you know I people watch and I have really learned quite a bit about myself and having seen others and their transformations. Many people I've talked to have said that I have changed since having surgery. For so long I have tried to say I'm the same woman only less of me, or smaller, or thinner etc. Well, the truth is I am NOT the same woman anymore. In fact, I've changed quite dramatically in 3 years. The 1st year I was completely focused on getting weight off, training myself to eat the right things, take my vitamins and exercise often. I walked 1-2 then 2-4 miles everyday from 1 week post op on. In the rain, in the snow, etc. If I couldn't walk outside I mall walked. If I couldn't get in my protein I added more the next day. If I missed my fluids I'd add more the next day. If I missed my vitamins I'd get serious with myself and say look you will die without these. That sounds a bit much but hey this is a lifestyle change right so what better time to be so dramatic right? The 2nd year I was still as focused and determined and @ about 16-18 months post op we went full steam ahead and got preggers with our 2nd daughter. I have to say it was such a great experience going to term with her as we did not with our 1st. I contribute that to having had WLS and losing weight and becoming healthier. During my preggers journey I gained 45 lb. I was told it would come off and 15 lb did immediately following her being born. Since then I have struggled with my protein, fluids and vitamin intake. Although not solely all due to me not doing the right things but the majority of it has been. I take responsibility for my having taken paths that have been full of selfishness and stupidity. Here I am in the 3rd year post op and I still feel like I'm a success but again I am NOT the same woman who 3 years ago walked into St. Mary's Hospital in the dark and into the light as I say. I have spent some time over the past few months writing and thinking and writing some more. I've got an online blog, my profile updated here and have filled journals FULL of writings about my life, pre-op and post-op WLS and all the changes I've gone through. In reading all these things I've finally realized I am ME. I cannot please everyone as I've tried so hard to do for so many years and especially hard in the last 6 months. I have made some serious errors in judgement starting last August until I'd say last December. In just those 4 months I realized I need to take my life back. I did things because I thought I'd fit in better. I thought others would like me more and I'd be accepted more. I began drinking in excess. What for is beyond me being that it really doesn't taste great, makes me feel like absolute he** and causes nothing but issues for me body wise. I mean why keep doing it if it makes me feel so bad? Last September I guess reality got a little too close for comfort when I nearly drank myself to death. Funny thing is I never drank before surgery and so why would I need to do it now? Lesson learned not going back moved on and just peachy with having a drink now and then. There are other things but details are really necessary at this point. Well, I am certainly NOT all the things I was into and doing. I am happy being a Double Momma. I am happy being a home body/stay at home momma. I am happy being a wife and taking care of my family. I am happy that after 3 years although I am not any where near my goal weight wise, I am NOT 300+ lbs. I am happy that I've realized I don't have to do all the things everyone is doing just because it's the "thing" at the time. People DO like/love me for me and I get it now. I have felt like I've had to keep things from others because they continually pass judgement on me but I really don't. There is one man who will pass judgement on me and that is God. I have lost about a person and a 1/2, dropped b/n 16 & 22 sizes in clothing (22 at my lowest weight 16 now), carried our 2nd bugga to term with some complications but not nearly the ones we had with the 1st and have so much to look foward to. I'm not the woman who rarely left the house except to work or get groceries then come right back in. I am not the woman who said no everytime she was invited out some place. I am not the woman that could barely breathe when she laid down. I am not the woman who couldn't play with her daughter in the floor because she was afraid she couldn't get up. I am not the woman who hates herself anymore. I am not the woman who takes life for granted anymore. I am not the woman who sits by and lets life pass her without even attempting to join it. I am not the woman who is afraid of being herself anymore. I am not the woman who is afraid to put on a tank top and shorts regardless of the excess skin I have. I am not the woman who is the outcast in the group anymore. I am not the woman who can't fit in the booth and feel as if every eye in the place in on her anymore. I am not the woman who has trouble and cries over not being able to find clothes to fit me for one and that aren't breaking the bank for the other. I am not the woman who needs to please others anymore. I am not the woman who wishes to fit in to others lives anymore. I am not the woman who cries herself to sleep because she is so unhappy and miserable and wishes she were dead anymore. I am not the woman who hates the thought of going out in public AT ALL anymore. I am not the woman who tries to be the center of attention because that is all I have to offer anymore. BUT, I WILL NEVER FORGET FEELING/GOING THROUGH ALL THOSE FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, SITUATIONS AND FEARS.....EVER! I am me. I am loved. I am cared about. I am happy. I am so much more than I have allowed myself to be. I sit here tearing up now because I know that this probably won't get read by many but someone some place reading this will understand where I am coming from and I hope to God he or she knows that they are not alone and they are worth it and that their life is important. I know that I fit in just fine and don't need to impress anyone with anything other than being me. I am scared to death that I am putting all this out here for everyone to read or at least I WAS scared but I'm not now. I know that one day this will help someone who is afraid and going through he** right now and doesn't know where to turn or who to talk to. "I'm the same woman just thinner...less of me..." No, I AM a stronger, a healthier, a happier, a wiser (insert more) woman. I've had to take a real hard long look at myself and it's been all kinds of hard to do but I've done it and am doing it. God knows it's been a struggle. So, when you think you are down the most realize how lucky we are to have had this tool given to us. It's been worth the fight, worth the tears, the heartache, the sleepless nights etc. I hope someone finds this helpful. Kitty Kat

Brava! I'm only 8 months out and I feel the same way. Thanks so much for posting this. It's so inspirational. I know I'm not the same person I was and I thank GOD every day for it. Huge hugs and again, !!! Tonya 405/379/253/180 (high/surgery/current/goal) 5'5"

Kat- I'm sitting here and have tears in my eyes. I long to feel that way and know that I can, if I have the courage too. I pray that I get approved for this life-altering opportunity. Thank you for sharing...thank you for being so open and sharing your life with us. Blessings to you, Christina S.

Excellent thoughts, KK! Excellent!

Wow...that was very touching..Your words match your smile !!! I am very proud of you !!! You should be very proud of yourself !!!! Big Hugs, Dana

Although Gardner (educational researcher) believes that self-insight is an intelligence (he believes there are 6 or 7 types), I have always thought of it as a gift. Whichever it is, you have it. Sharing your self-insight with others is also a gift for the reader and for you. Funny (not really) you mentioned drinking. I was reading a post on the main board about people tradingone addiction for another and this woman posted a warning based on her own experience with increased drinking after WLS. I wrote her back a big THANK YOU because I had been considering getting some wine again, recently. This, after I quit drinking because of concerns about the health of my liver. All I needed was that woman's reminder of why I quit, and why I am feeling tempted again. Someone once said to me that she had given up ALL her bad habits but smoking and by golly she wasbn't going to give that up. Well, I had given up all MY bad habits except eating. The last to go was wine. And, it was the first to rear it's ugly head after surgery. Keep reminding me that I have been there and one that and as you said "moved on". Thank you for sharing, Lois

Kat, Thank you for your post I have had problems in the past (continued on to today) trying to please everyone. Even this early out, I know that I am a changed woman and will continue to change as time goes on. I'm aware that there are some friends that I once had who will no longer be as close, but there are new friends continually coming forward. I've always felt guilty (like I was missing out) that I didn't go out and party like others. The funny thing is, I like being home, cuddling up with one of my dogs (maybe even my husband once he gets his PE exam out of the way) or playing with my ferret. Every once and awhile, I like to get out, but that isn't the norm. It's nice to hear from other home bodies out there. You have so much to be happy about in your life! I'm very glad that this forum has given me the chance to get to know you. Julie

Thanks for that hun! I needed that today....I found it very helpful... Take care and talk soon, even though I am talking to ya right now..lol! Luv ya LA

Kitty Kat, In reading your post I have had a number of different emotions pass through me. I am amazed and in awe of the way you can just put everything out there publicly. It inspires me to evaluate my own journey and address concerns and changes I've had as well. My struggle lately well the entire 2+ years it's been since surgery has been taking my vitamins. I mean to. I just don't do it. I've been lectured and yelled at and have cried myself to sleep at night because of this as well. It's a daily struggle for me. I have weeks where I am good. But then for some reason I forget to take them one day and I'm back into the rut of forgetting to take them. They're sitting on the window ledge by my kitchen sink I see them everyday. I just don't associate actually taking them with seeing them. I've tried daily vitamin container things.. Which I lose.. I've tried taking them before I do anything else in the AM. I guess it's just something I have to force myself to do. Do you have any suggestions for me on how to help this? How do you remember to take them everyday? Having been there for the aforementioned September drinking fiasco and assisting you with the hair holding and body holding and shielding you from the local PD, I can definitely say that I'm glad you're alive. It makes me so proud that you have chosen to change your drinking habits. I know what emotions drove your drinking and I have felt that myself. I think a lot of WLS'ers drink to much. I know I have in the past. I feel like a lot of times we think that it is the only way for us to get over some of the self confidence issues we still have, and that it'll be easier to be "ourselves" when we are inebriated. It is a tough topic. A lot of people can and will be offended by this. It scares the living crap out of me. I know what my doc has told me about drinking, and I know I was visited by a liver specialist in the hospital who wanted me to conduct a survey with them on the affects of morbid obesity on the liver. I was unable to take them up on it as it would have cost me thru my insurance to do the survey. A lot of it wasn't covered. But the specialist talked to me about how morbid obesity affects the liver the same as LONG TERM alcohol usage and can cause cirrhosis which is typically a disease caused by long term alcohol abuse. I applaud your courage Kat. Your struggles have helped me in a lot of ways. We have talked at length about some of the topics mentioned in your post and the answers and guidance I've gotten from you has been beneficial and life saving. I think that you will do wondrous things. I know you are one hell of a mother, wife, and friend. You go out of your way to assist others without even thanks most of the time. You are a friend to all and a confidant to a lot more. I know I have thanked God many times for our friendship. You inspire me to face all the things I need to face and to step up and do the things I'm scared of doing. Your courage inspires others! You mentioned something to me of a dream you had recently where a lot of us were in a restaurant and people were clapping. You then realized they were clapping for you. I think that you deserve to be recognized. Your ability to always think of others before yourself is commendable. I believe that you are the most influential people in my life. Your strength and character are what draws people to you. They seek you out for advice and sympathy. They turn to you for help and a kind ear. This makes you a saint in my eyes. You are always willing to help people even when you are sick as a dog or feeling low. * STANDS UP AND CLAPS* You make me want to be ME. You inspire us all to become ourselves and let go of the facade we created when we were fat. It takes a mighty amount of strength to let go of the well built walls and masks we have made for ourselves to keep everyone out. I think your journey will inspire a lot of us to let go and be who we are. Sorry this is so long and deep everyone.... Love y'all!!! -Ross

Kat, Thank you for sharing your heart. You will never know how much I needed to hear that. I have been going through such a hard time after my surgery, not the gastric bypass, but all the other work that was done. My weight loss has been so slow. Even though they cut my stomach they didnt touch my addiction and that is the hardest part. I have been in kind of a funk but I thank you!!!! You are truly an inspiration to all us here. Hugs Denise