Relationship questions... (long)

First off, let me say that my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. He is a wonderful man and I feel lucky to have found him. I've posted in the past that he has been through a really rough time mentally over the past two years. Recently we found out that he is Bi-Polar and for the past month or two has been on a new medication. This medication is working for him and his moods are really starting to stabilize. It makes me so happy to see the changes in him that have been taking place lately. The man I fell in love with is finally starting to come back. When I was at my heaviest, I had a really hard time with my self-esteem. Dressing up in anything more than jeans and a ratty t-shirt was a major pain in the arse because I felt that no matter what I wore, I was still the hideous fat girl. I felt that everyone else saw me the way I saw myself. Makeup? Forget about it. I was lucky to be able to get out of bed in the morning and take a shower. My husband had a hard time with all this. He wanted me to take better care of myself, wear makeup more often, etc. Things in the bedroom had slacked off, and quite honestly I was fine with that. Again, it was a self-esteem thing. Well, since I've lost 70 pounds, I've begun to feel better about myself. I find that I want to wear cute clothes. I crave getting up in the morning and getting ready for the day. I love doing my hair and makeup now. I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, but I know I look better and I feel better about myself because of it. Now, after all the changes I've been through, my husband is starting to take notice more. He tells me all the time how pretty and beautiful I am. Great, right? So what is my problem? Well, he's been way more affectionate lately. (oh no!) His libido is coming back in full force, while mine is chugging along just trying to catch up. I know this is in part due to his new medication and in part due to the physical changes in me. The latter is what I am having a hard time dealing with. I look in the mirror and still see the same 267 pound person I was before my surgery. Yes, I know I look different and am taking better care of myself. But I have a hard time seeing the changes in the mirror. Because I can't see the changes my mind is playing tricks on me. I have this little voice in my head... "was I really that hideous before? was I that unlovable?" All of which is totally ridiculous. I know Brian loves me. I know that he never stopped loving me. Knowing that, however, doesn't stop the nagging voice. And everytime I start to hear it, I start to get angry and hurt. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Is it a temporary thing? I truly love Brian. He is my world and I couldn't imagine life without him. I need to do something before these head games that I am playing with myself start to cause true problems. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I will be greatful for any insight that anyone can give me. Stacey

Stacey: I'm about 9 months out and down 130 pounds. My body has changed greatly yet I still feel the same. I know I carry myself differently and although I notice the weight loss and can fit into things I never even imagined before, I still see the fat guy in the mirror and in my head. I think it just takes time for our minds to accept what we've become used to over the years of being overweight. Our minds work in mysterious ways and there's always some sense of self-doubt. You know you husband loves you and wants you simply because you are YOU! The package is nice but the person on the inside is what he loves. That basically stays the same (with some minor changes) after surgery. You need to reflect on how loved you are by your husband and also start to look for the positive changes you can see with your body. When you start to make an effort to notice how your body is changing, your mind will start to believe in reality. It's not tricking your mind, it's teaching it to see past what it's used to seeing. I think you're lucky to have a man that loves you like your husband does. Too many people nowdays don't have that type of relationship. WLS leads to many divorces and my opinion is that in most cases, it's the fault of the person who has lost the weight and is simply trying to experience things they never could before. It can lead to poor decisions and actions. Of course there are just plain bad marriages too. Good for you that it sounds like you're in a great one. Good luck and keep loving your man. Just a man's perspective. Merry Christmas! Dave

You are so right, Dave. Thank you so much! Stacey

I have the opposite problem. While I was never small as a teenager I was never larger than a 16 (in the 60s 16). My weight fluctuated up and down between 145 and 160. I recall wearing a beautiful pair of leather pants that were a size 10 and a med. motorcycle jacket. For many married years I was a size 14, same as my mom--NEVER small, but never obese. After my second child as age 34, started really puttin' on. I went back to college, got my master's, planning on divorce. I had to get my self in a position to support my self and my children and a plain old bachelor's wouldn't do that. Sometime in graduate school I was on Nutrisystems Weight loss and lost 60 pounds. I have a photo of graduation ceremony from grad school--looked good at that point. Moved to Blacksburg, taught in Pulaski, gained again--this time way up to 200! I would have been 38 then. Moved to the Buena Vista area and went on the Beverly Hills diet program. At that time my high was 200. Met my dearly departed when I weighed 180--and was embarassed because I outweighed him!! Lost down to 145 again on Beverly Hills. After about 2 years of marriage the weight started creeping up again when Jim decided to go back to cross country truck driving. Over 13 years I have gained 120 pounds. BUT, I NEVER saw myself as that fat and STILL DON'T. I think that is one reason I gained so much. In my mind's eye I was never THAT fat--regardless of how I looked in the mirror. Jim passed away Sept. of 2004. Tennis became harder for me to play and coach last year. Then, the more I sat around, the more I gained. I was embarassed this summer with my big gut sticking out in front of me on my motorcycle. I finally took a HARD look at myself and determined I was going to investigate WLS this fall. And, I did. BUT--I hold up my arm now, after having lost only 20 pounds and I think to myself how much slimmer my arm is, and my legs. I have to FORCE myself to look in the mirror to see that I still have a big gut and a double chin which I will probably not lose. It will lturn into a wattle because of my age. If I don't confront my fat everyday, I will just decide I am not THAT fat, and NOT get the WLS I NEED for my health. So, no matter what size I have been I always thought I didn't look bad at all. I think this delusion assisted with my weight gain. I AM happy that I have always had high self esteem and a good body image, even when I DID NOT have a good body. it is very hard for me to face up to being fat. The way I can relate to how you feel is--I can't change my body image any more than you can change yours, without a huge amount of mental work and the passage of time. Good luck on this journey! We all need good luck and blessings regardless of what kind of work we are doing on ourselves. Lois

Hi Lois, I finally am getting around to reading your profile! I have wanted to for awhile, but I am so behind!! I hope I get to meet you sometime. You sound fun. Also, you cna help me train my 1 1/2 year old black lab mix dog (I have two others as well). She's a handful!! donna

Thank you, Lois. It is great to have a different point of view! Stacey

Stacy, I'm going to email my 2 cents to you because what I have to say is too personal for public posting. I hope you don't mind. Congrats Dave on the 130!!! I can't wait to get there myself.

Thank you, Cinerellen. I didn't recieve anything yet, though. Stacey

Sometimes the email system through OH doesn't work. If you still haven't recieved it, send me an email to let me know at [email protected]. I will forward what I sent straight to you that way. Have a good day. ~Ellen

Stacey, I just had to comment, my husband's name is Brian too! We've had our ups and downs like any other couple. But I exactly know how you feel. "How could he love me when I was so fat?" I hold up a pair of 26 or 28 jeans in the store and ask him "Was my butt REALLY that big?" Of course he says something nice like "I Love you" or "Your Beautiful". We finally had to have a heart to heart one night. I had to honestly know if he could love me the way I am now. Our marriage has grown. We can go and do so much more than we could before. We are probably closer than we were before. Here's the weird thing, When I was 265-295, I didn't care if he saw me naked or we had sex with the lights on. Now, I'm somewhere around 180 and I wont let him see me naked and we have to have the lights out for sex. Suddenly, I am ashamed of my body. I should be proud of it. Yes, I look like a sharpei puppy with the wrinkled skin, but damn, I look so much better than I did! We just have to keep in mind that having the surgery and loosing weight isn't a magic wand. We are still going to have to work on our marriages, and our career goals just as we did before. All surgery does is help us loose weight, it doesn't "fix" our brains, our self esteem, self image or our spouse's perception of all of this. We just have to take it day by day, and make our lives work for us. I wish you all the best in the world! Just focus on what you want. You want to stay with your husband and be "happy ever after" then make it happen! Leland