TIPS Club

Okay in light of breathing life back into the board, I'm going to give a go at my TIPS Club post again.  This particular one i****ting me heavy as of late.

How are your relationships with your spouse, family and friends affecting your choice of WLS?

TIP - Stay focused and hold true to your reasons for having surgery, your continued success and DON'T let negative people bring you down

Discussion...
I'm in the maintenance phase.  I had surgery in Dec 2007.  I've lost 214lbs.  I feel great and look pretty damn good too.  So what's the problem right?  Criticism from my family.  Most specifically my parents and my ex-husband.  They have become increasing vocal about my having lost too much weight.  Pretty much I cannot see them without a negative comment being made.  It irritates the hell out of me.  I mean seriously people.  I was 369lbs!!  I'm a healthy 155lbs.  I'm NOT anorexic and my body has leveled out (or at least i think so).  I don't intend to lose any more weight.  Now don't get me wrong, I look thinner that my present weight and that's only because I have lost so much fat and padding in my top half.  I'm very bony through my neck and chest.  And when you hug me you can feel my spine.  Ewww.  I know.  I'm still wearing what i affectionately call my skin 369lb skin sack and given that I go through plastic surgery I expect anywhere from 10-20lbs of excess skin to be taken off of me.  I have no idea really, that's just a guess.  I have an appt with Dr. Krieger next month and should get some honest feedback.

So, in short, it's been hard to deal with my parents and my ex.  My dad regularly tells me to "have a donut", to which I explain UPTEEN times "dad donuts have sugar, no more donuts" but I hear what he's saying.  My mom always grabs my arm with a frown and says "You're so skinny"  (Insert really sad face).  Yesterday she put her hand around my wrist and said "Lauren, I'm really concerned".  Sigh...  And the last time I saw Nate he hugged me, pulled away and told me that he could feel my spine and I was like a skeleton and that it was "just scary".  He also added that I needed to "eat a burger" which some of you may remember that's Nate's code phrase for women who are too skinny.  Nate trully was a chubby chaser and prefers a woman with a fuller figure.  Perhaps if we had met today, he would not have been attracted to me at all!

So in closing, stay true to yourself and your success!  It's all relative.  NO ONE is going to tell me I'm too thin.  I feel healthy, am active and am able to wear clothes that are attractive and fit fairly well.  I'm happy.  Now if I get down to 100lbs or something crazy like that, then yeah, sure, call in the intervention.  Until then, just love me for me and embrace my success with me.

What tips do you all have in dealing with the people in your life and their negative reactions.  Please share your personal stories so we can understand you better and learn from your experiences.  :)

Sounds like you have it a little rough with your family. Most of my family is supportive. But I definetely get the "don't lose any more weight" from others. I almost think it is their uneducated way of congratulating me. Maybe its not...but that is what I choose to think.

We look so different than we did pre-op and I think people just can't get use to the change.

I usually follow up with, "I'm eating healthy and exercising and my body will get to where it needs to be". Or I will say "I"m just trying to tone it up now".  I also let them know that by my drs charts I am still overweight.

But again, it is your body and it is about being happy with yourself.

Those are both great comebacks and positive ones!!  I'm sure people are very receptive!  :)

Hi Lauren, Sounds like your family is mine. When I was 19  I weighed 113 lbs. and when I married my hubby in 1969 I wore a size 3. Over the years I had alot of health problems starting with cancer then back surgeries . Then the weight start coming on, and thats when the remarks starting coming.  My highest weight was 268 lbs. and climbing. My family would't want me to go with them any where, I guess they thought I would be an embarrasment to them. One of the remarks that haunts me alot is one that was made by my dad " when are we going to butcher this side of beef." He said it in front on my brothers and sisters and of course they laughed and so did I as I held back the tears, I didn't want them to know that I was hurting for what they said.
I tried many diets but I never stuck to them. I moved to Va. in April  2007  and I told myself that I was going to lose this weight. I went to the drs. and talked about gastri by pass and he said that I was a good candidate so I said I would have to pray about it first. I began to pray and I knew in my heart that this was the route I was to take. In Feb. 2008 I went into surgery. No regrets no   second thoughts I had the peace of God.
As I started to lose weight the remarks started coming I thought everyone would be please that I was finally doing something about the weight. Think Iagain!!!!.   My family was upset that I had the surgery. When I started seeing the change in my body so did my family. They would say that I was to thin that I was starving my body, for what to put the weight back on again. So you see it has been a struggle for me, not losing the weight for I have reached that healthy body.  I am taking it one day at a time using the tool that I was given to me. I thank God everyday for helping me and giving me the strenght to get through the tough times and the remarks that people make about me. I don't care any more I am a healthy person and I love to be able to do things with my children and grandchildren which I couldn't do alot becasue of the weight. 
I am not any medicines at all. I am diabetic free, and thyroid free. I pray for my family one day they will see me for who I am and not that fat girl or should I say skinny girl as they would put it but a healthy woman who has so much to live for.
 My family won't understand until they walk in my shoes and what I have suffered through the years with their verbal abuse of being fat. I truly believe that one day their eyes will be open and except me for who I am. I thank God everyday for helping me in all the areas of my life 
through the roughest times and the verbal abuse. He is a true friend who will stand be my side  no matter what the world says or my family I can count on him for the strength and love that only he can give. I give my body soul and spirit to the Lord and he does the work that needs to be done in me.
Thank you for posting I needed it.
Blessings and Prayers to you,
Tomygirl  Betty

Thank you so much for sharing your story Betty.  I seriously feel your pain.  I hope your family comes on board the same as mine and is just happy for the newer, healthier you!  HUGS!

From childhood through adulthood I was always overweight. My weight was always the "elephant" in the room. Both of my parents drank heavily, but that never mattered. When I began to loose weight, my dad could not look at me. He would offer me breads and carbs to eat. He was trying to sabbotage my success. I just smile, and look the other way.
   In June, I will be eight years out and am very blessed to have had the surgery. Without the surgery, I would not be alive today.
Cindy

Great job and eight wonderful yeras for you!  :)

Well I come from a family of overweight people.  Stand my mother, grandmother, sister and I next to each other (before I had surgery) and you knew we were related.  I chose to have surgery for a healthier me because I did not want the heart problems, diabeties and pregnancy issues that run with the fat.  I was determined and when faced with oposition from my mom and sister, I just told them it was my choice and if they couldn't be positive then I wouldn't share that part of my life with them.  Of course some of it stemmed for not knowing the facts and others they knew who had not been successful (due to not following directions).  In the long run they fell right in with the support and it has been great.  My step mom had surgery a few years before me so I had her & my fathers support from the beginning.  I do get comments from some about being skin & bones, etc. but I usually respond with the fact that I am where my doctor wanted me to be.  :)

I also find that people know of someone who was not successful (due to not following directions) and assume you will be the same...a failure.  I'm glad that your family has been supportive, even through a bumpy start.

Such a good tip Lauren.

I know for me that I have been lucky that people have been pretty supportive.  My circle of girlfriends threw me a "Soon to be Skinny *****" party the friday before surgery.  There was water and green smoothies plus they gave me a Visa Gift Card to buy clothes when I get to goal.  My family has been really great even my husband in-laws who I avoided telling until I saw them a month ago.  Now I don't tell random people, a mother of my son's classmate, saw me the other day and asked what I was doing.  I just told her small meals, no sugar alot of exercise.  The truth - just not the whole truth.

I think for me the problem is more negative thoughts than negative people.  Am I going to be long term successful?  Why couldn't I do this on my own? 

It's something I am working on!

Just wanted to edit to add that I know as I go throught this weight loss journey people's support can change.  Right now I am still bigger than everyone, I'm sure as I get smaller people's reactions to me may be different.  Hopefully the support will stay positive, but I should be prepared for the negative and not let it get me down!