what would you do?

I had surgery in April of 2006. I was a self-pay, but I didn't pay for it. My parents did. The final total ended up being something to the effect of about $35K.

I ended up losing a lot of weight, and losing it fairly quickly. My surgeon tells me I'm ahead of the curve. I can do SO MUCH MORE now than I ever could when I was 400lbs... I had to sit to do the dishes! (well, I didn't have to, but I enjoyed it more that way). Now, I can run circles around anyone who'd like to take me on. :)

About 6 months out of surgery, I moved out of their house, and 6 months after THAT, they moved to their "weekend" house, which ends up being about 3 hours away from where I currently live. The house they sold was located 20 minutes from me.

Now, my mother finds herself facing medical problems (well, they've existed since WAY before I had surgery, and were factors in my decision to go ahead with it), not the least of which is arthritis. Since they moved down there, I've gone from visiting them once a month, to once every three weeks, to now, once every two weeks. They pay a woman to come in and help her (and when I say help her, it's help her in every since of the word; changing her, bathing her... I told someone recently I feel like I have a part-time 70 year old baby.) during the week, but they expect me once every two weeks to take over on the weekends.

Recently, my mother told me that she doesn't want to overwhelm me, and why don't I come down once every three weeks instead. That's way more palatable... I had to give up every other weekend from Fri. night to late Sun. night. Once every three weeks is much more do-able. It would not be a problem, either, except of my three siblings, the eldest thinks that he can show my mother "tough-love" and just not go help her at all. The next one and the third one are currently living together, because neither of them can figure out how to get it right. My sister went last weekend, according to my dad, for about 24 hours. He asked me what the point was. Bottom line, I'm getting negligible help from my three older siblings.

Much like every other situation in my life, I ALSO don't know who to believe... my dad tells me it's not as bad as she makes it out to be, that he thinks she does it for attention (she's basically bedridden at this point, and I kind of can't figure out why... aside from the arthritis, she should be able to move around at least a little, and she's on high-power pain meds), and she tells me she's trying as hard as she can.

About an hour ago, the lady that takes care of her called me to ask me if I was coming this weekend. I told her I had come two weeks ago, and that Mom had said every three weeks. No one called me until today about this anyhow, I made plans for the weekend.

Then Dad called me shortly thereafter and told me that he wished I would let him know I wasn't coming. I told him he should have talked to Mom. He said it was okay.

Problem is; I feel horribly guilty.

So, I guess my question is this: If someone else pays to have your surgery performed, and it enables you to help them to a much better degree, should you always be indebted to them? To what end? These are my parents... am I supposed to now spend the rest of their lives asking, "how high?" Am I just being a whiny 30 year old kid?

I'm tired of wrestling with this question.

Thanks for any help.

Julie

Julie,

You have been on these boards and around me long enough to know I don't sugar coat things...never have and never will.  Please do not take offense to what I am going to say.  This is not toward you but to the situation you described...and it could be any one of us!

That being said...in my opinion you should not feel indebted to your parents BECAUSE they paid for your WLS.  You SHOULD feel indebted to your parents because you love them and want whats best for them as I assume they feel about you.  My parents did not pay for my surgery...not one single dime.  I would still (and have) done everything I can for them and will continue to do so.  My father lives with me and my family because he has early onset alztheimers and is more familiar with my home (it is the one I grew up in).  My parents are still married and mom lives right next door.  When my dad had cancer my husband went almost $50,000.00 in debt just to pay for his medications for one year until his RX coverage kicked in with his new insurance.  When he had open heart surgery in December...I took off from work to be there before, during and after surgery.  Out of four children I was the only one there.  Even my mom was not at the hospital until hours after he was done with surgery.  I was with him from 5:30 PM the day before surgery until 10 PM the day of surgery, helping to transport him to another hospital at 2:00 in the morning.  Where was the rest of my family?  Who knows.  Did I do this to feel like a saint or something?  Absolutely not.  I did it because it is my father and I love him and would do anything in the world for him.  My father is surviving on a small disability check each month.  He used up his savings and retirement before my husband and I kicked in for the medications.  Will he ever pay us back?  No.  Do I care?  No.  I never expected him to do it.  I know it is different to have to drive three hours but I also know I would do it.  I am a giver by nature and I always put others before myself.  I know that when they are gone I can say I was there for them...other family members can not say the same thing.  Bottom line...I would do anything I could to make things better/easier/more enjoyable for them.  They raised me and I never wanted for anything...now it is my turn to do what I can for them.  We also pay 100% of everything in the house!

As for the who to believe...you have to make that call based on what you see.  My aunt is the same way...and it is to the point where no one believes any of her ailements.  Just observe and do what you think is best after seeing with your own eyes.

Thanks Tammy,

I agree with everything you said. Had I not had the surgery, I would still be in there doing what I could, and honestly, that would be a lot less than I can do now.

I think I was a bit overwhelmed by things on Friday, and the assumptions that people were making about where I should be when. Friday was the first time that I was "expected" to be there that I declined.

I love my parents dearly and would do anything for them, but sometimes the factors come together in such a way that I wonder if I'm being used (Mom not really doing much to help herself when I am there, Dad only asking me if I'm coming because he wants to go on a fishing trip....). Then I get it in my head that it doesn't matter if I am, because they did this big wonderful great thing for me, and I don't have a right to complain when I see things going unfairly my way. THAT is what I was trying to get at... I was not just complaining about pulling my weight in regards to taking care of them.

The good part is, I posted this multiple places, and my brother saw it... he sent me an email telling me that he might have some plans in the works to make things easier on me. That would be nice... I would like to go visit just to VISIT one of these days.

I know all too well the feeling of being overwhelmed!  It really takes its toll on you and wears on you.  I know from having had the pleasure of meeting you in person several times and also knowing other members of your family that you would be there no matter what.  And as you said...you would be doing a lot less if you had not had the surgery.  You absolutely do deserve a break and to be "expected" to always be there.  You should be there because you want to be.  Take a deep breath and I will pray that whatever your brother has in the works will help you out a lot.  You deserve to spend quality time with your family...not always be the caregiver.  You will be blessed even more for doing what you have!  Lots of hugs and love!

Julie, I totally agree with every word Tammy wrote you.  Try not to go into "little girl" mode when you get around your folks.  The only thing I can add is maybe go ahead & keep your Dad in the loop rather than relying on your Mom to inform him.  That way your butt's covered & he can't say he wasn't told anymore.

I know what it is to feel like the lone ranger amongst your siblings.  I'm the oldest of SIX & was the only caregiver for my Mom, who is now in late stages of Alzheimers.  Only in the last 2 years has any of them stepped up to help, that being my youngest sister, & only because Mom is now in a nursing home.  I could waste all my days being bitter because they didn't help when they should have, but it's just not worth it.  So, like Tammy, I do what I can & move on.

Honey, only YOU can decide how much guilt you want to take on.  And as you struggle with that decision, ask yourself..."how's that workin' for me?"  You're a very bright young lady & you will come up with the answer that works for you.

Ann,

You're right about that. I keep telling myself that I do stuff now so that later I can look back and know that I did everything I could, regardless of what the others are doing.

It was suggested to me by more than one person that I need to sit the two of them down TOGETHER and come up with some sort of battle plan for the immediate and more distant futures. Something clearly delineated, maybe even with a calendar, so that I know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing at any given time.

I'm going down this weekend, and that's a good time to get started.

Thanks!

Julie

I am a parent of 3 adults, they owe me nothing and they know it.  My husband and I have done a lot for them and continue to do so and will continue to do so.  My in-laws were the you owe me type.  My parents are gone, I would give up everyday to be there for them.  I was across county and pregant when my mom passed, being there wasn't even an option.  You owe them noting.  But you owe yourself everything, should you fail to do everything you can for your parents everytime you can you will regret it dearly.  Love---that's the only thing they gave you, and it's the only thing that matters.  There are no $$$ values on that.  They didn't plan to "need" you, they only planned to help you be as happy as possible any way they could.  As parents that's what we strive for, our children's happiness.  If I sound upset, I am.  Selfish is what I hear from you.  Lost is what I hear.  Think of what you might lose if you can't give up time for them.  Your "FRIENDS", won't love you without terms, your parents already have. 

My father put no strings on me when I had my procedure done. I just don't think that I should have to run down to take care of my mom every time he wants to go fishing. But I also don't feel like I can say no, because he's done this for me.

I honestly think I posted because I wanted someone to just tell me, "It's okay to say no sometimes." I guess it isn't okay to say no sometimes.

I am sorry you think me selfi****ry to live my life in such a way that I put others first, sometimes to my own detriment. I know that did not come across in my earlier post... I would have probably thought I was selfish, too.

Thank you for responding.

Julie

Quite frankly, I don't care too much for the response you got from that previous poster.  You are NOT being selfish.  Quite the contrary...I believe you've been a very doting daughter, doing what you could in spite of your own needs.  Not knowing your parents, nor their personalities, I can't say if they are using you unfairly.  I do think  your idea of sitting down with them both & making plans is an excellent idea.  That way everyone's on the same page.  With that said, there probably will still be a need for some flexibility on all sides.  Unexpected things can come up at any time.  About your Dad looking for a way to go fishing...how involved is he in your Mom's care when you aren't there?  Maybe he DOES need a break too, from time to time, especially if your Mom has become more "needy" lately.  It can get quite tiresome dealing with a needy person on a daily basis, no matter how much we love that person.  For your sake, I hope your brother is planning on stepping up to the plate, as it were, & lend a hand.  The previous responder is correct about one thing...there is no price tag on unconditional love, but there does need to be some limits set so that whomever the care giver is, whether it be short term or long, isn't overwhelmed by the duties & responsibities of caring for a sickly loved one.  It's different when it's one of our own.  I recently had a conversation with one of the nurses at my Mom's nursing home.  I told her that I am in awe of their level of patience, that I found it oftentimes exhausting trying to care for her.  She reminded me that at the end of her shift, she gets to go home & leave all that behind.  She has reinforcements that come in & take over where she left off.  I didn't have that luxury.  So she really put things into perspective for me & that lessened my own feelings of guilt, because I felt like a terrible daughter when some days I just didn't want to be around her anymore.  Does any of this make sense to you?  It's not that I didn't love my Mom enough, it was just exhausting, physically & mentally, to be under that kind of stress 24/7.  Anyone who says it isn't is either lying or in denial or have some sort of martyr complex.

I hope you let us know how things turn out for you.  This is a very important issue that we all will have to face at some point & I think it important that we share our experiences so we can learn from each other, just as we do with our wl issues.  This kind of stuff is part of our life's journey.

For whatever it's worth to you, my love, I think you're wonderful.

Julie - i just moved my 87 year old mother (w/alzheimers)  into a new nursing home this week.  I'm an only child, there is noone else.  I'm so sorry for your troubles and stresses, i'll keep you in my prayers.  lys