I have officially hit bottom...and it doesn't feel like much fun so far...
I have tried so hard not to get to this place...because I know it's not the place I need to be. But, here I am...at the absolute bottom.
Now, this is a place I've been before--long ago when I was a teenager who went through what most teens do--but, I made it out. I'm not feeling all that confident that I'm going to make it out of this one.
Here's the short list...just for a little run down...
--I am a nurse by trade. I live my life to care for others and I take a great deal of pride in my work. I have saved lives and I have held hands as some were lost. I work for an OB/GYN part time PRN and I have been at work and saved the lives babies by recognizing a problem and performing the correct action.
--I spent 18 months of my life living with my elderly grandmother with moderate alzheimer's and taking care of her. I took that 18 months away from my children because they couldn't fully be children around her. I took that time from my family and I cared for her because it was the right thing to do...because I love her. I took my children from the only home they had ever known and moved them to her house so that I could be her caregiver. I fed her, bathed her, dressed her, drove her to dr. appts., etc. I wouldn't change a thing.
--I had gastric bypass surgery to be a better mother. To be able to play with my children. To be able to be a PART of my family and not jus****ch from the sidelines anymore. I did it to be healthy enough to have another baby (or two) with my husband and I did it because I was tired of being tired and sickly.
This decision has unequivocally ruined my life.
--Since 6 weeks post op, I have been in and out of the hospital no less than once per month. That's right...since November of 2007. I have had at least 30 upper endoscopies and when I go to the EGD lab at Fair Oaks every single person knows who I am and why I'm there. Every single person knows me by name and I know many of them by name as well. Dr. Moazzez is awesome...but, he is also at a loss as to why this is happening to me.
--I self paid my surgery so every single time I am in the hospital...my insurance company denies it. I owe IFOH a lot of money...and that is putting it lightly. I am not a better mom...I am a sick mom. I have to give myself an IV transfusion of nutrition every night just to make sure that I stay alive because food doesn't like me. I can eat soup or pureed type foods...but, the moment I move to regular diet, I form an ulcer.
--I can't have a reversal because I can't afford it...and I am scared that I will never be well and never be able to be what my family deserves me to be.
--My house is likely to be foreclosed upon in the very near future. I don't know how I'm going to look my children in the face and tell them that they can no longer have their bedrooms/yard/basement, etc. that they love so very much.
--My husband was nearly killed...why? Why did the accident have to happen? Because now, we have no vehicle to be able to really safely drive our family around. Because of the credit issues, we are not likely to be able to have credit extended to us to purchase another vehicle.
--My husband is also on Long Term Disability which means that we are only receiving a portion of his normal salary.
--I can't work because how can I be a reliable employee when I practically have to live at IFOH?
--We wouldn't have even been able to give our children a Christmas if it had not been for the very generous gift of a friend.
--My grandfather who passed in December...had a really hard life --then we all had to watch him suffer horribly for 10 solid days to die. WHY?
I cannot see God in any of this. I am pretty sure that He doesn't exist and if He does...why on earth is He putting my family through this?
I know that I cannot take any more...yet, every time I say that...more happens. I am a good person. I am a loving person. I try hard every day to make sure that I am kind and generous when I can be and just plain nice.
I am not asking for anything...I just need you all to know where I am because I very likely am going to need a whole lot of support coming up here soon. I have been experiencing pain again--ulcer I'm sure and I cannot even go to the hospital for my "normal" treatment because of Edward's injuries...he cannot care for the kids and he's loathe to ask for help from anyone. I just need the moral support that I know you all will give me.
Now, this is a place I've been before--long ago when I was a teenager who went through what most teens do--but, I made it out. I'm not feeling all that confident that I'm going to make it out of this one.
Here's the short list...just for a little run down...
--I am a nurse by trade. I live my life to care for others and I take a great deal of pride in my work. I have saved lives and I have held hands as some were lost. I work for an OB/GYN part time PRN and I have been at work and saved the lives babies by recognizing a problem and performing the correct action.
--I spent 18 months of my life living with my elderly grandmother with moderate alzheimer's and taking care of her. I took that 18 months away from my children because they couldn't fully be children around her. I took that time from my family and I cared for her because it was the right thing to do...because I love her. I took my children from the only home they had ever known and moved them to her house so that I could be her caregiver. I fed her, bathed her, dressed her, drove her to dr. appts., etc. I wouldn't change a thing.
--I had gastric bypass surgery to be a better mother. To be able to play with my children. To be able to be a PART of my family and not jus****ch from the sidelines anymore. I did it to be healthy enough to have another baby (or two) with my husband and I did it because I was tired of being tired and sickly.
This decision has unequivocally ruined my life.
--Since 6 weeks post op, I have been in and out of the hospital no less than once per month. That's right...since November of 2007. I have had at least 30 upper endoscopies and when I go to the EGD lab at Fair Oaks every single person knows who I am and why I'm there. Every single person knows me by name and I know many of them by name as well. Dr. Moazzez is awesome...but, he is also at a loss as to why this is happening to me.
--I self paid my surgery so every single time I am in the hospital...my insurance company denies it. I owe IFOH a lot of money...and that is putting it lightly. I am not a better mom...I am a sick mom. I have to give myself an IV transfusion of nutrition every night just to make sure that I stay alive because food doesn't like me. I can eat soup or pureed type foods...but, the moment I move to regular diet, I form an ulcer.
--I can't have a reversal because I can't afford it...and I am scared that I will never be well and never be able to be what my family deserves me to be.
--My house is likely to be foreclosed upon in the very near future. I don't know how I'm going to look my children in the face and tell them that they can no longer have their bedrooms/yard/basement, etc. that they love so very much.
--My husband was nearly killed...why? Why did the accident have to happen? Because now, we have no vehicle to be able to really safely drive our family around. Because of the credit issues, we are not likely to be able to have credit extended to us to purchase another vehicle.
--My husband is also on Long Term Disability which means that we are only receiving a portion of his normal salary.
--I can't work because how can I be a reliable employee when I practically have to live at IFOH?
--We wouldn't have even been able to give our children a Christmas if it had not been for the very generous gift of a friend.
--My grandfather who passed in December...had a really hard life --then we all had to watch him suffer horribly for 10 solid days to die. WHY?
I cannot see God in any of this. I am pretty sure that He doesn't exist and if He does...why on earth is He putting my family through this?
I know that I cannot take any more...yet, every time I say that...more happens. I am a good person. I am a loving person. I try hard every day to make sure that I am kind and generous when I can be and just plain nice.
I am not asking for anything...I just need you all to know where I am because I very likely am going to need a whole lot of support coming up here soon. I have been experiencing pain again--ulcer I'm sure and I cannot even go to the hospital for my "normal" treatment because of Edward's injuries...he cannot care for the kids and he's loathe to ask for help from anyone. I just need the moral support that I know you all will give me.
Lisa W.
RNY 8/21/07
Starting weight 348
Current weight 188
Super Momma to:
Aidan 2/14/02 and
Aimee 2/06/04
First Post-op baby due 9/10!
RNY 8/21/07
Starting weight 348
Current weight 188
Super Momma to:
Aidan 2/14/02 and
Aimee 2/06/04
First Post-op baby due 9/10!
Hi Lisa, this is my first time visiting this board, and I read your story. Im not really sure why you are going through all of this, and understand your feeling like God is not involved in the situation. I dont think there is anything that could be said to make yoy feel any better; but just know that God is with us in every situation and promised to never foresake us. He states that we should cast all of our cares upon Him, for He cares for us. When it becomes too much to deal with, just pray for healing, direction, clarity and peace; and have faith that it will all work out in the end. I will certainy remember to pray for you.
Peace.
Nicci
Peace.
Nicci
Lisa please do not feel bad coming here and talking that is what we are here for. You have been through a lot and still happening please do not give up and God will only give you what you can handle. I pray that God takes care of you and heal your body and mind. Trust in him and he will provide. Please keep coming back and stating how you are feeling it is good to let it out and what a better place to do it than here with friends. We love you and care about you and the family. Wish I lived closer so I could help but I can by typing with you like this.
{{{Lisa}}}
You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers and I have added you to the prayer list at church. I wish I could do something to help. I know you are in a rough spot and feelin overwhelmed (with good reason!) but God REALLY is with you. He always is! Have you contacted your local church to see if they offer assistance? I know a lot of them have committees just for situations like this. You are a good person. No one deserves to be going thru all of this. I would like to suggest that maybe you speak to Dr. Mo and ask if he has consulted with any other surgeons on your case. My surgeon, Dr. Hutcher, has been doing this surgery longer than any other surgeon (he was one of a group of 3 that "invented" it and he is the only one of the 3 still practicing) and he is a former President of the American Board of Bariatric Surgery. While he is still learning with every case as well...he has a wealth of knowledge and expertise and may be able to help here. It is worth a shot. Please know that I am always here if you need to talk/vent/shout/scream/cry/whatever. I will keep my eyes open for a dependable car. Sometimes I know of folks giving them away to help families out. God does love you and so do I!
You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers and I have added you to the prayer list at church. I wish I could do something to help. I know you are in a rough spot and feelin overwhelmed (with good reason!) but God REALLY is with you. He always is! Have you contacted your local church to see if they offer assistance? I know a lot of them have committees just for situations like this. You are a good person. No one deserves to be going thru all of this. I would like to suggest that maybe you speak to Dr. Mo and ask if he has consulted with any other surgeons on your case. My surgeon, Dr. Hutcher, has been doing this surgery longer than any other surgeon (he was one of a group of 3 that "invented" it and he is the only one of the 3 still practicing) and he is a former President of the American Board of Bariatric Surgery. While he is still learning with every case as well...he has a wealth of knowledge and expertise and may be able to help here. It is worth a shot. Please know that I am always here if you need to talk/vent/shout/scream/cry/whatever. I will keep my eyes open for a dependable car. Sometimes I know of folks giving them away to help families out. God does love you and so do I!
Tammy C
down 260+ pounds and loving life more than ever!!!
proud mom to Kara 12-08-1994 and our newest addition Claire Makenna born 03-26-09 weighing 6 lbs 13 ounces and 19.25 inches long and very healthy. happily dating...i honestly never knew it could be this good! there is that special Guy for everyone out there...either you already have him or you will find him when He is ready for it!
open RNY 04-25-2005
Life could not get any better than this!
Your post has me in tears. You have always been here for me and all my troubles. I want to let you know that I am praying for you and your family. I know I am so overwhelemed in my situation, I can't even imagine yours. You are a brave mama. Keep fighting to get healthy!
Mom to Alex age 9
Wife to Sean married 5/29/99
And one bean on the way. EDD 6/22/11
Wife to Sean married 5/29/99
And one bean on the way. EDD 6/22/11
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