Update from me

Hi everyone,
I have had the kind of week where you keep forgetting what a mess things are, then you quickly remember and the pain is fresh again. My family has been turned upside down because of some VERY BAD decisions that my son made. My son... who I love more than anything in the world and would do anything for... if only I could reach him, help him, convince him that there's a better way. But what 15 year old kid is easy to reach these days, huh? The only thing he's convinced of right now is that we are bad parents and he would be better off living with my sister in Atlanta.

My immediate reaction during a crisis like this is to retreat, eat, and mentally beat myself to a pulp. I have tried so very hard not to do that. I have reached out to people who may be able to help us... I have been honest with people about my feelings of self-hate and loathing... I have not crawled into bed night after night in isolation (well, not after the first couple of nights, anyway). But I have NOT eaten poorly. I have NOT gone to the UKrops bakery ONCE, or been to Dunkin' Donuts, or buried myself in some pizza and candy. It's strange - this is the first time that I can remember facing such a gut-wrenching situation and not wanting to toast it, spread it with butter and shove it in my mouth as fast as I can.

And I'm walking... EVERY DAY since Tuesday. Even though I cried through several of those walks, I'm still out there every day doing. it I don't know why this is different, because I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm not burying it with food.

Go figure... the second night that everything unraveled, my son came downstairs after a while and the first thing he said was "Mom, I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you that you keep eating good and are walking, even though you are mad at me." This is why I think I'm going crazy... the child has turned our world (and his) upside down with his CRAPPY judgment, almost every one of his sentences to me is to say what an awful parent I am... and yet he is worried about how I'm eating.

Please send us some good thoughts that we can work things out here, no matter what that ends up looking like. I know so many others are dealing with real physical emergencies and upsets... and others are having challenges adjusting to life's situations. I guess the answer is to come together however we can, ask for help, ask for kindness and keep trudging along.

Oh, how philosophical I am!! That kind of insight is fleeting for me these days. I'm mostly beating myself up on what a horrible person/mother/wife I am. But at least I'm coming here an putting it out for others to see, and not keeping it in the darkness of my mind where it festers and slowly kills me.

Enough drama for this post - I am not going to delete it, not going to edit it. I'm just going to leave it out there for what it is. I know that I will feel the support from people here. Thank you!

Good morning Mary, I am glad that you posted and was able to vent. I am so proud of you that you aren't taking the stress out on food. My children are older now and believe me I think all parents go through this with there children. I have had alot of heart breaks with my children, but you go on and hold them up before the Lord.  Being a mom is a hard job, and we don't get instructions with them when they are born to tell us what to expect as they grow and mature. I look back on my own llife as a teen ager and boy I can see what I put my mom through, and then I understood why I was just like my children when they were teenagers. It is a stage they go through and mom and dad are caught in the middle, they are the bad ones according to kids. Hold on Mary, things do get better. I will definitely keep you and your son before the Lord. When I get down and my  friends and family come against me I turn to the Lord for my help and strength. Some folks may get offened when I talk about the Lord, but I believe he is our hope and strength. I am here for you anytime.
You and your son will be added to my daily prayer list,
God Blessings to you and your family,
Tomygirl  Betty

 Hugs to you Mary. I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your son. You do not sound like a failure as a parent to me. You CARE and it sounds like you are doing what you can.

My son is only 8 and we have had our share of heart breaks already. We talked to his psychologist yesterday and feel much better. I think this might make you feel better to. He told me we can only guide our children. Show them love but in the end they make all there own decisions and as long as we are trying and loving them, the rest is up to them. It made me feel better because I feel like I am a bad mom sometimes with my sons disability, but I know now that I am not.

I will be praying for you, and always know you can come here for support. You can only control you! God Bless.

First of all, I think you are amazingly brave & I feel honored that you have entrusted us with your personal difficulties.  I also applaud you for not giving into former temptations...that is a testament & proof that you HAVE changed the old tapes, the old habits.  So good job all around!!

Now, about this boy of yours.  Ummm, unless you are beating him on a daily basis, not providing food or shelter or clothes on his back, forcing him to use drugs, selling him into slavery, or using him for kiddie porn, then you are NOT being a bad parent.  He's just saying those things to push your buttons.  So why are you buying into his BS??  He's being mean, hurtful, & manipulative...in other words, typical teen.  I truly hope you are NOT going to indulge his fight-or-flight by allowing him to go to Atlanta.  IMHO, that would be sending him the wrong message...that it's ok to run away from his problems. 

At any rate, things can't be as bad as they seem if this child is being a demon one moment yet recognizing your accomplishments the next.  Just like husbands, teenagers are a work in progress.

Hang in there, Mom!

Mary - thanks for sharing this with us.  I'm sending you ++++ thoughts, a big (((hug))) and some prayers, please know we are all pulling for you.  and extra good job on not turning to food and keeping up with your walking...you are a STRONG woman.  lys

Mary I am so proud of you!! You have not turned to the bad things that you did before surgery and you are keeping up with what you know is right and your son will come along and in reality he is proud of you too or why would he said what he did it is very hard for the kids to say good things to there parents and he does it in his own special way. Just be there and love him and turn it all over to the Lord and he will handle it all. Again I am very proud of you and will keep you in my prayers.

I am so proud of you and to call you my friend/family!  Sharing this takes courage and I am especially proud of you for continuing to walk and eat right!  You are doing fantastic!  I frequently use my walks as my "vent" time...I laugh, smile, cry, sing, talk to myself, yell...whatever I need at the time.  If you need a walking partner...let me know and we can try and meet somewhere.  Kara is having issues right now, too (she is 14) but thankfully hers are due to her boyfriends mother.  I am here if you need to talk/vent//have a sounding board to another teenager's parent.  MWAH!

(((((((((((Mary))))))))))))  Simply put, I love you babe.  And I'm praying that your son makes better choices and that your family can find some peace in dealing with whatever the current turmoil is.  And good for you for staying on track with your eating and exercise.  Keep it up and stay focused.  You have always been an inspiration to me!

Mary:

Thank you for sharing your pain with us.  many of us who have had teenagers can understand to some extent what you are going through.  Being a parent is not for chickens!  you are a wonderful model for us in staying with your good eating and behavioral habits despite all that is going on.

Please continue to post and we will continue to pray.


Jeane

   Mary, I think you've gotten some great advice.  Kudos to Ann S.   Her advice and encouragement which she gave to you was perfect! I have a 21 yo, 20 yo, and a 17yo. I've had moments with my children in which I was convinced they hated me, they told me they wanted to go and live with some other relative, and they were making me absolutely miserable. I've experienced this and I honestly have great kids. No matter how great the kids or perfect the parent, every parent deals with what you are dealing with on some level. Every parent. So please don't let what he says out of anger and in an effort to manipulate you, to cause you to feel like you're a horrible parent. 
   Like AnnS stated, quite honestly, this is nothing more than a power play on his part. Don't give in. It is setting a very bad precedent--it will teach him that at only 15 he calls the shots and that running away is better than working it out and resolving whatever problems that come up.
   Don't engage him in a verbal battle. This could be a short-lived phase. Keep the lines of communication open but I personally would be very clear with him that I wouldn't  consent to allowing him to move out at 15.
   In my experience, for boys, 15-18 seem to be particularly difficult years--just from my own experience and that of close friends who have also raised boys. Also, I think AnnS made another great point. If one minute he is concerned about you and in the next is saying you are a bad parent--that is proof that your situation is far from being horrible or hopeless. JMO