Coming back to a safe place
Hello everyone. My last post on the board was in July and for months, I have been wanting to reach out again and end my self-imposed isolation. I have been reminded again that withdrawing is my instinctive reaction to stress and that is not healthy for me at all. In the last 6 months, I have experienced a lot of personal and family trauma, to include:
- Our home was robbed while we were on vacation in Topsail Island last July
- We discovered that the teenagers who robbed us were in with the daughter of the neighbor behind us (our families were good friends when we first moved here)
- My 15 year son started experimenting with alcohol, etc and that set off some of the worst fears and struggles that I have had since he’s been born
- I have gained 20 pounds because of the need to comfort / punish myself repeatedly
- My mother has been hospitalized for much of the last 6 months due to progressing circulatory disease. This has caused her emotional problems to worsen as well.
- Along with eating, my need to distract myself from the pain of life caused
me to spend, spend, spend
- I have withdrawn from the support of friends (many of you here and
elsewhere in my life, as well as my surgery group)
- My marriage has suffered horribly during this difficult time
- I have had to function through my step-daughter’s wedding, family holidays and vacations, work related travel and pressures… all the while wanting to curl up into a ball and take a very long nap.
I am ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry… yet here I am. Asking for help. My therapist says that it’s my determination that has kept me from leaping off a tall building all these years, so I guess I’m depending on that to carry me though this.
I want so badly to deal with the stress of life by holding myself in a state of balance instead of toppling back and forth like crazy. Even a little wobbly is okay, but my habit of reverting to self-hate and self-loathing is threatening to ruin my life – LITERALLY.
I woke up on January 1 with that lifelong feeling of pressure to START OVER and make everything PERFECT. I think everyone can probably fill in the blanks to that story… fast forward to this morning, where I have finally managed to have a protein drink instead of cookies.
Unfortunately, I know that when I am not distracting myself with all of the other behavior, I am left to just be with my feelings. I cannot begin to describe how much I hate that!! But here I sit, ignoring work while I finally decide to post and let it all out. I am sorry that I have let people down and I hope it will help to put myself out there to everyone and ask for support and friendship. Thanks. xoxo
- Our home was robbed while we were on vacation in Topsail Island last July
- We discovered that the teenagers who robbed us were in with the daughter of the neighbor behind us (our families were good friends when we first moved here)
- My 15 year son started experimenting with alcohol, etc and that set off some of the worst fears and struggles that I have had since he’s been born
- I have gained 20 pounds because of the need to comfort / punish myself repeatedly
- My mother has been hospitalized for much of the last 6 months due to progressing circulatory disease. This has caused her emotional problems to worsen as well.
- Along with eating, my need to distract myself from the pain of life caused
me to spend, spend, spend
- I have withdrawn from the support of friends (many of you here and
elsewhere in my life, as well as my surgery group)
- My marriage has suffered horribly during this difficult time
- I have had to function through my step-daughter’s wedding, family holidays and vacations, work related travel and pressures… all the while wanting to curl up into a ball and take a very long nap.
I am ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry… yet here I am. Asking for help. My therapist says that it’s my determination that has kept me from leaping off a tall building all these years, so I guess I’m depending on that to carry me though this.
I want so badly to deal with the stress of life by holding myself in a state of balance instead of toppling back and forth like crazy. Even a little wobbly is okay, but my habit of reverting to self-hate and self-loathing is threatening to ruin my life – LITERALLY.
I woke up on January 1 with that lifelong feeling of pressure to START OVER and make everything PERFECT. I think everyone can probably fill in the blanks to that story… fast forward to this morning, where I have finally managed to have a protein drink instead of cookies.
Unfortunately, I know that when I am not distracting myself with all of the other behavior, I am left to just be with my feelings. I cannot begin to describe how much I hate that!! But here I sit, ignoring work while I finally decide to post and let it all out. I am sorry that I have let people down and I hope it will help to put myself out there to everyone and ask for support and friendship. Thanks. xoxo
Mary D.
Pre op: 260 lbs, 5'3"
Goal reached 14 months later: 130 lbs
Regain over next 3.5 years to a high of: 166 lbs
Current weight: 135.8 lbs and heading back to 130 lbs!!
{{{{{Mary}}}}} Welcome HOME, Sweeite! I have missed you so very much. I am so proud of you for reaching out. I have been in times of my life and feeling much the same as you are now and I have spent, spent, spent, too. Please do not be ashamed or embarressed. It is what it is and I for one will ALWAYS be here for you...no matter what! You have my help with anything that I can do for you and your family. You have a ton of determination! Life is not easily balanced so just roll with it! I am so proud of you for having that protein drink! Let me know if you have some time and we can get together for a cup of coffee or dinner. I need a night out, too!
Tammy C
down 260+ pounds and loving life more than ever!!!
proud mom to Kara 12-08-1994 and our newest addition Claire Makenna born 03-26-09 weighing 6 lbs 13 ounces and 19.25 inches long and very healthy. happily dating...i honestly never knew it could be this good! there is that special Guy for everyone out there...either you already have him or you will find him when He is ready for it!
open RNY 04-25-2005
Life could not get any better than this!
I love you, I've been praying for you, I know that you have had much on you and that you've needed support and love. I'm sending you a note. Please check your email as soon as you can. You are definitely not alone. You'll always have my support and friendship. You've always had it. Its really brave of you to come here and post and express yourself so openly. I'm proud of you for it and I'm here for you. Love you.
Kitty Kat - Lap RNY 29th Jan 03 
Blessed Momma to ♥ Kayla & Nora ♥
Sober since 25th Aug 07 www.the-butterfly-chronicles.blogspot.com
Thankful for the easy, grateful for the hard & hopeful for tomorrow.
Mary,
I feel your pain as I wish I cold just quit myself. I have contemplated suicide but fear the law would suspect my wife of foul play and that would be contrary to my purpose. So that ain't a smart option.
I also have a strong believe that God calls the events of our life whe we try and quitting life is contrary to fulfilling the purpose we came here for and what he would have us experience.
Anyway, I understand the wanting to curl-up and take a long nap. The fact is, you have survived these things, for better or worse. I try to learn from getting through as to what I would do different and try to better better tomorrow. And sometimes I don't do better tomorrow so I get to try again the next day. My fall back concept when faced with things that try to drag me down,...is this time tommorrow,..it will all be over. Other favorites are quotes:
I am never beaten until I quit.
There are dozens of rules for success; none of them wor****il you do.
Success = 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration
The Lord does not care about our ability or inability, but our availability. And if we prove our dependability, He will take care of our capability.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything,
but make the best of everything they have.
You have done so well. You know a lot about right from wrong. You have friends and family. You are loved and have those you love. Kids make mistakes,...we did and still do; so will they. You can hate the sin or bd choice(s) and still love the person. You will have enough negative things happen in your life wthout purposely punishing yourself. Do what is right for yourself and you will feel better and be more able to cope with the other things better.
God never promised this life would be easy (all the time); see John 16:33
(In this world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.)
He did promise eternal rest as we survive and endure (endure to the end and ye shall have the gift of eternal life).
Hang in there tiger. You really are doing well and you really do have alot of friends that care an awful lot about you!
Joe
I feel your pain as I wish I cold just quit myself. I have contemplated suicide but fear the law would suspect my wife of foul play and that would be contrary to my purpose. So that ain't a smart option.
I also have a strong believe that God calls the events of our life whe we try and quitting life is contrary to fulfilling the purpose we came here for and what he would have us experience.
Anyway, I understand the wanting to curl-up and take a long nap. The fact is, you have survived these things, for better or worse. I try to learn from getting through as to what I would do different and try to better better tomorrow. And sometimes I don't do better tomorrow so I get to try again the next day. My fall back concept when faced with things that try to drag me down,...is this time tommorrow,..it will all be over. Other favorites are quotes:
I am never beaten until I quit.
There are dozens of rules for success; none of them wor****il you do.
Success = 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration
The Lord does not care about our ability or inability, but our availability. And if we prove our dependability, He will take care of our capability.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything,
but make the best of everything they have.
You have done so well. You know a lot about right from wrong. You have friends and family. You are loved and have those you love. Kids make mistakes,...we did and still do; so will they. You can hate the sin or bd choice(s) and still love the person. You will have enough negative things happen in your life wthout purposely punishing yourself. Do what is right for yourself and you will feel better and be more able to cope with the other things better.
God never promised this life would be easy (all the time); see John 16:33
(In this world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.)
He did promise eternal rest as we survive and endure (endure to the end and ye shall have the gift of eternal life).
Hang in there tiger. You really are doing well and you really do have alot of friends that care an awful lot about you!
Joe
I owe you a phone call. But, Joe, I cannot do it right now. I'm sending you a note.
Kitty Kat - Lap RNY 29th Jan 03 Blessed Momma to ♥ Kayla & Nora ♥ Sober since 25th Aug 07 www.the-butterfly-chronicles.blogspot.com Thankful for the easy, grateful for the hard & hopeful for tomorrow.
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