State of Self Sabotage!!

My goodness it has been a terribly long time since I've written and the main reason being how afraid I was to admit my behavior and what a failure I have been. I had my bypass on April 30, 2007 and weighed 230 the morning of surgery. At my lowest I was hovering around 140 and was able to maintain it for four months or so. Since then I have gotten completely out of control. I now weigh 166 and don't know what to do. I started therapy last week in hopes that I can get a hold on why I am sabotaging myself and all my hard work. My initial session was very overwhelming and my therapist brought a lot of things to my attention that I had never really truly allowed myself to think about. She said that as a thinner adult I am probably receiving more hurtful comments about how I was versus when I was so overweight my entire life. I'm not trying to scare anyone who just had surgery or is about to have surgery, etc. I'm desperately reaching out for anyone's help or advice and support. I feel selfish in that I have been MIA from the boards but the bottom line is that I would have never made it this far without your help and I am in dire need of it now.
I moved to Virginia Beach from San Diego at the end of February and have been through a lot. My job has been HORRIBLE, my Mom has been battling cancer, I'm going through a divorce, have been a complete freak and disaster magnet, etc. and the most upsetting part about all of this is coming to terms with the fact that I am an emotional eater. For months I would eat little amounts of food I knew I shouldn't but when the scale didn't budge it was like I still felt safe. Clearly this is not the case. I drink diet soda, alcohol and try to be healthy for the most part. WTF is wrong with me that I know what I'm doing is completely wrong?
Any insight anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.

All my love!
Courtney

Glad to see you posting and reaching out for support. You seem to  be doing positive things to help you get back on track. I am guilty of some of the same things and it is great to have support and others just like me to help and relate. Just little reminders of bringing up protein and fluid intake help stay on track. Therapy is great for me as well. Its nice to have an outside person to recognize and point out things that others may not say to us and vent to a non judgmental person. They help me get to the root issues of what is causing the problem and correct me when I have negative thinking and set limitations for myself that aren't realistic.
Focus on the things you are now doing to help rectify the problem. I hope you find some local face to face support in your area. Welcome back and best wishes!
Shannon

YOU ARE BACK ON TRACK NOW!  Logging in here and getting to a good counselor are awsome steps in the right direction.  It will be so difficult not to feel sorry for self as you face all these pressures and burdens, and I certainly do not know the answers but I am praying for you, Courtney!

Courtney my heart goes out to you.  Believe me you are not alone.  My saving grace is I weigh myself daily and bring myself back on track by dropping back to basics.  You have already done the first thing by reaching out to us.  I see a lot of people struggling just on the Jan 07 board with the same issues.  I have always said to people the hardest part is maintaining.  It can definitely be emotionally draining to realize that you and your habits are still there just in the background and knowing we will always have to stay in control of those habits and problems we had that caused us to be obese in the first place.  I am glad you are seeing a therapist.  Sounds like you definitely recognise you have the problem and are taking steps to get control back.  Please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  Please feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

 

Anna

Hi and welcome first lets say congrats on getting to see a therapist. Next you might want to go back to the start and work your way back up to the food that you should be eating. By this I mean go back to liquids, soft, and so forth. This should help you in losing the weight again. This is just a suggestion pn a way to start again and also increase your excersise and that will also help.  I have not had the surgery but I to know that this has worked for others and I am trying to help. Please keep on posting and let us know how you are doing.

I want to welcome you! I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Tomorrow is a new day. You are here with us today and we will be happy to help you with your journey. I am only 3 months out but I am more than happy to listen and support you the best I can. Keep us posted on how you are doing. You have come to a great board of people.

Courtney, I am strait to the point and I don't sugarcoat anything. 

First, you have made the hardest step to take.  Recognizing you need help and getting and asking for it.  Most importantly, seeking professional help.  Dealing with a trained and licensed professional who will help you face your inner deamons head on.  Bravo to you!!!

You are having many different stressor**** you and it seems like it is happening all at once.  The move from SD to VAB.  That alone is a major stressor, dealing with leaving friends and family and a comfortable enviorment to a new place that has a new enviorment getting accumlated to the culture. 

You are in a position in your professional life that you are not happy and miserable.  You spend 8 hours of your day there and being in a negative enviorment like that for such a long period of time affects your psyche.

Your mother has cancer.  That is a scary and difficult situation to deal with.  The unknowns and seeing her go through what she is going through.  That has an affect on you as well.

The divorce is al another tough stressor on someone. 

Your world around you right now is in chaos.  You can allow this chaos to filter into you life or you can do what you need to do for you.  You are not a disaster magnaent or a freak.   But if you continue to think this way....well sweetie that is what you will become.  Your life is just in disaray right now

There are things that you have control over and there are things you do not have control over.  You can only control the things you have that control over and the other stuff you can deal with what you have or dismiss it, but know that you can only do what is in your power.  You can adapt to those things that you don't have control over.  Such as the bad job....well you can deal with what is going on or you can search for a new job, talk with your boss, etc.  Your move, you are in VAB now and if you plan then get out do some interesting things in the area that you may find intrest in. Network with new people and be explortive.  So although there are things that are not within your controll, you can alter them on how they affect you.

But the one thing you do have control over is yourself.  Stop sef loathing and start loving youself.  I can't tell you what is wrong only you can.  Be still and listen to yourself.  Start making the changes you need to make for a better Courtney.  So thing a fed up right now, what are you going to do to fix it?  It isn't broke.

Courtney I wish you all the best and it is wonderful that you are putting a hand out there asking for help!  You are moving in the right direction.

Courtney welcome back and congrats for seeking help where you know you needed it. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting we have one, and Ill be the first to say to you I have a problem dealing everyday and have had one and need help as well I to know I have been sabotaging myself and my sucess but dont know (or I do know) but not sure how to fix the problem. But I to will be seeking help for myself. So know there are people here for you and your not alone this is something Im having trouble telling myself but we are all a family here and need one another. So best of luck and know Im here as well as other.

Courtney - i can't add anything to all the above advice (well given), please know we are here for you.  I'll keep you in my prayers. lys

Good am Courtney,

The first steps always the hardest one to take. You're reaching out to get help and that's incredibly important. Therapy works for many, many folks and so please do give it your all and I hope the results give you the power and determination to get back on track and get on with living your life in more positive ways. I agree with her to an extent that our thinner bodies are always compared to our heavier ones even when we've lost so much weight.

The main "negative" thinker? OURSELVES! We tend to look for others to give compliments and lift us up but there are some who tend to lean on the negatives when we might already be thinking that way. Its hard to break away from what you've come to know but the more and more steps you take, the stronger you'll start to feel, the faster you'll start to walk and before you know it you'll be full speed ahead.

When we take on so many things at one time we'll get overwhelmed. I'd like to give my opinion here a bit. As far as your job consider other options. Nothing worth having doesn't take a little fight it takes a big one. Open yourself up to suggestion. Reach out to others in the community such as temp agencies and get your name out there. Pursue job avenues that you are interested in. It may not be what you want right away but things will come together. Just have faith. As for Mom battling cancer; its tough that's for sure. Have you considered finding a support group for families battling cancer?

Try your area and see what you come up with. I hear ya on the divorce. That too combined with your emotional trials is a lot for a person to deal with. BUT COURTNEY YOU CAN DO THIS! There is your family here to let you know you are not alone. There are options available to you in your community. There are many, many resources. I am not really familiar with your area with the exception of visiting and amazing connections I have there. So, I am hoping others will come out of the wood work. I am doing some research and hope to PM you later today.

Hugs to you! Keep us posted. Reach out. We're not going anywhere.