Feeling frustrated and hating myself for asking why?? (warning: long & whiny)

Theresa,

Oh sweety.  I know how overwhelming and scary this must be.  I think everyone has made wonderful comments.  You will be in my prayers..  You are in better place now then before the surgery.  Your body will be able to handle this better now, then it would have before surgery.  I do personally feel that this WLS does put a strain on your body, and it is something you may want to ask you DR about.  With the surge or hormones in your system from the quick weight loss, I do feel this effects us seperatly then it would with a slow weight loss.  Please keep us updated on what is going on.

Ok my beautiful Girlie-Girl...I'm gonna shoot from the hip & I want you to know, accept, & take in that I care for you very very much.

You got the wind knocked out of you when you got those test results.  I know exactly how you feel about it all cuz I had the exact same thing happen to me earlier this year.  My EF dropped 5% in just 8 months & I had to hear it from my wl surgeon.  I was sooooo pi$$ed!!  And I was scared out of my mind.  So I really do know how you're feeling.

All this "buyer's remorse"...how can I say this as lovingly as I can?....hmmmm....it's a huge load of crap & you know it.  It just FELT good to say it out loud.  You don't mean it & I don't think anyone here believes it either so let's just put that one aside.

Next issue...the LAST person I would call for information is a tech!!  Why did you do that?  Do you not like or trust your cardiologist?  Is he/she not available to you?  And that tech should be fired for divulging information like that.  It is NOT HER JOB, nor is it ethical.  I know you said you like her & she's done all your echos....doesn't matter...she was soooo in the wrong to speak to you about it the way she did.  The only thing she should have told you is to speak to your DOCTOR!!!  Or would you prefer to have the TECH do your heart surgery?  I mean, come on Theresa....let's get real here, honey. 

I know it may seem like I'm being very hard on you, but that's only because I am pointing out the obvious & the obvious is not complicated.  I TOTALLY get that you were waylayed with the rotten news, but honey, you're only allowed 15 minutes to waller around in the muck & cry & throw things & gnash your teeth.  After that, you need to get to work about fixing what's wrong.  Yes, it sucks that you'll probably have to have surgery to fix the valve but why does that come as such a big surprise?  You must have been told when you were first diagnosed.  Ok, so you put all your eggs into the one basket, expecting the massive weight loss to fix this too.  Well, it didn't.  Losing the weight DID help cuz I bet that had you not lost all that, then you might not be writing this to us.  And where would that leave your little boy?  Personally, I wouldn't wait until the 9th!  This is too important to just be put off.  Your doctor has some explaining to do & it should be on YOUR time, not his.  YOU are the consumer & they are making a butt load of money off of you & your insurance...make him really work for it!

So you either love for me speaking plainly or you hate me for being so mean to you.  But keep something in mind...I've been facing my own mortality on a daily basis since 1990...wondering how long I had to live (still wondering), worried about who could possibly be a better mother to my kids than me (& of course I wanted Mike to mourn for me forever!!). I've done the whole "how could this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this..." routine.  I've been angry.  I've been sad.  I've been depressed (as you well know).  But Girlie, don't you DARE GIVE UP!  Do you hear me??  I will drive all the way to where ever the heck you live & kick your butt if you even hint at giving up!!  If you have to have surgery, then buck up & make plans.  Notify family members so that they can support you with this.  Make contingency plans for your son "just in case".  Yes, we have to plan for such things because we owe it to ourselves & our family.

Now, please send me a response & either tell me you love me or tell me to F off.  I can take it. 

I mean, come on Ann... let's get real here, honey.

Here's your response.

I don't truly have one! I'm actually quite speechless!

Speachless.  Hmmm.  Could be a good thing...could be a bad thing.  Well, now that I've beaten you about the head & shoulders, I do want to add that I, too, believe in the power of prayer, so plenty of those are going up for you.  I also believe that everything happens for a reason & only when it's supposed to.  Do you get that I am TOTALLY in your corner?  Do you believe me when I say that I care for you very much & that I want nothing but the very best for you?  You told me waaay back when you first came on the scene here to speak straight to you...well, careful what you wish for, my dear friend, cuz I take people at their word.

Sweetie, you WILL get through this.  I think you & your doc have a lot of life changing decisions to make but once those decisions have been made, & put into action, you will feel so much better.  Not just physically, but mentally as well.  It's  horrible looking at one's own mortality, never really thinking that we will have to do that.  That's something that OTHER people have to deal with...not us.  And when it hits us in the face like yours did & mine did, we're not quite sure how to react.  Is it scary to think about having your chest cut open?  Oh heck yeah.  But you could let your mind play all kinds of scary games if you let it.  I prefer to look at it as "wow...medical science has come a loooong way.  I need to trust in God & my surgeon, that they will do the right thing for me."  You have to look at this in a positive light because the alternative just isn't doable.  That little man of yours needs his Mama, & you sure do need him as well.  You still have a whole life time ahead of you & you deserve to get every break available.  If that means enduring a major surgery to extend your life expectancy, then that's what needs to be done.  For most, that would be an easy thing to say, but I live with that every day.  I would prefer to NOT have to have a transplant, but I know & accept that that day is coming, sooner or later.  In the meantime, I choose to NOT be negative or just wait to die.  Or at least I TRY to do that.  And yes, sometimes I have my weak moments & fall into a light depression.  But you know what?  Each time, it gets easier & easier to not only recognize that I'm becoming depressed, but it's also getting easier to bounce back from it.  And I've learned to NOT face it by myself.  Girl, I'm gonna get everybody I can to rally around...family, friends, medical team...whomever.  And that's why I am so proud of you for coming here, baring your soul &  your fears, & being straight forward with how you're feeling.  I guess I just have a different way of expressing my support than others.  I'm NOT the softer side of Sears.  But I do care.  And I do want to help.  And I hope that you will trust me & know that I AM on your side. 

Very rarely am I speechless. And usually when I am, it is the result of a not so good thing. That is usually the outcome of condescending and demeaning talk being done to me. And sorry. But that is me, shooting straight from the hip!

Ok, perhaps it would be better, IF you are willing, that we talk to each other on the phone because it would seem that maybe you are misunderstanding my intent.  At no time was I trying to be demeaning or condescending.  I'm sorry if you interpreted it that way.  You let me know if you're interested in speaking privately.  It's too easy to misconstrue the written word because we don't have the advantage of tone of voice, body language (when speaking in person, of course), etc.  I still remain your friend, for whatever that's worth to you.

Theresa,

I have not had surgery but I wanted to let you know I can pray. I pray God will heal your heart completly.
I think loosing the weight has helped. Talk with your doctor, have faith and I will be praying for you. BIG cyber hug

Marisa

Hi Marisa! Thanks so much for writing. Your prayers and well wishes will definitely help with everything I am facing & they are very well appreciated!!

Sending you a big ol' hug.

I cannot even imagine what you are feeling with that news. I totally get the emmotional WTF did I do and will I live if I have to have another surgery. Scary.

All I can tell you is you are loved and I'm here for you and that sweet boy of yours.