Needing to come clean...AGAIN!

Oh boy...where to begin?

Well, let's see...I'm experiencing my first bout of insomnia, as  you may notice by the time stamp that I'm writing this.  Been going on for about a week now.  I catch little catnaps here & there but not sleeping at night hardly at all.

As usual of the past few weeks, I'm still feeling very tired & listless.  I went to see my cardiologist this morning & got some interesting news.  Apparently I'm so tired because my new implant needs "tweaking".  This new device not only delivers shocks, but it paces as well.  The pacing isn't set exactly right for my needs so I go back next week & with the help of an echocardiogram, he'll be able to fine-tune it.  He thinks it's set too low & that's why I'm tired.  Also, we'll find out what my EF is.  Last time I was down to 20%...keep your fingers crossed that it's not any lower than that.  I've been having problems with water retention lately & have had to double up on my diuretic.  This could be a sign of congestive heart failure, though he did not hear any "squishy" sounds in my lungs this morning.  I have been especially careful & concerned about this because the onset of CHF could mean the need for transplant.  I REALLY don't wanna have a transplant if I can avoid it.  Also, my blood pressure was fairly high, so Matt's gonna check my bp every other day, at different times, & we're to document the readings.  When I go back next week, the doc will decide on whether to adjust my medications or not.  So, geez...no wonder I've been feeling crappy lately.

Mike's job hunt is ever changing from day to day.  Last Friday was SUPPOSED to have been his last day, but a contract became available that he qualifies for.  He interviewed with them yesterday.  Today he has another interview with some folks from Melissa's company.  Both jobs have draw backs.  Both would require adding about 200 extra miles per week (one's in Bethesda, the other's at the Pentagon).  The Pentagon job would mean a pay cut & added travel expenses that he would not be compensated for but would allow him to accept a sizeable severance package from his current employer which would then allow us the opportunity to pay off a couple of large bills & recoup some decent money back, only to lose about 3/4 of it for the added travel expenses.  **taking a breath!***  did you get all that?  On the other hand, if he takes the job his current employer is offering, then he would stay at the same pay rate he's currently at but we'd still have the added travel expenses.  BOTH jobs would require him to live with our son, Chris, in Centreville, during the week, with him coming home on weekends.  Yeah, well, that means I won't see him much cuz he goes to the farm on weekends.

And so round & round we go.  This all is really causing a strain on both of us emotionally.  He's on edge & snappy & I'm just getting more & more depressed.  I haven't told him about all this medical stuff...he's got enough crap to worry about.  I'm glad he can go to the farm & get away from all this for a couple of days.  We need at least one of us sane...might as well be the one that earns the money, cuz we sure can't afford for him to wig out too.  I've not been relying on the Xanax..I've only taken one in the past few months.  Also, up until tonight, I'd been smoke-free for 11 days.  Finally couldn't take it anymore & I caved in!  Am I feeling guilty?  Yes.  Am I gonna go back on the wagon?  Yes, in the morning.  Am I gonna beat myself up because I've had a weak moment?  Nope.

I didn't realize until tonight WHY I've been kinda staying away from ya'll lately.  Truth be told, it's because I'm jealous.  It's hard to read about everybody's accomplishments & watching ya'lls tickers going down when mine climbed up about 10 lbs.  I realize that the weight gain is due to the water retention, but still....it's just hard.  I don't begrudge any of you your accomplishments.  I'm so very proud of you all.  I just feel like I'm drowning in the "feeling sorry for myself" blues.  Matt got so concerned that he called my BFF, Mickie.  She's coming out Saturday to spend the night with me.  I just don't have any interest in going anywhere or doing anything.  Just walking around my  yard is difficult...I can't even tend to my veggie garden like it needs to be.  Thank goodness for Nino & Matt...I tell them what I need done & they do it for me.  I spend all my time on the couch in my family room with the tv on for noise.  I'm at least accomplishing a little something.  I've been knitting & crocheting like crazy.  Even had Mike working on a knitting project earlier this week.  But at the moment I'm just not feeling very good in my own skin, I hate what's happening to my body, I don't feel like I have control over much of anything.  I'm even having problems eating...I've barfed up my dinner every night for the past week! 

So now you all know what's going on with me.  I'm too tired to even think of how ya'll could help, other than just letting me whine like this.  I know you love me & support me &  worry about me.  Frankly, I'M worried about me too.  For the moment, all my eggs are in one basket, hanging on until I can get my implant adjusted next week.  I'm HOPING that will make a significant difference in how I'm feeling.  Maybe if I can get to feeling better physically, that maybe the mental stuff will improve too.  At any rate, I felt like I owed it to you, my extended family, to fess up.  I miss you all very much & love you too.  I will pop in & keep ya'll up to date & hopefully will be back to normal soon.  Thanks for listening.

Good am Ann,

Prayers are going up to the Lord for you and your family. Insomnia is something many, many WLS patients can face post-op but I also have been reading/learning more about what the stressors in our lives can do to creating a chaotic world and one of those side effects in insomnia. That being said, stress, your heart condition and the unknowns are all things that can be bringing you down. Hopefully your doc can pinpoint exactly what needs to be changed other than an adjustment to your device.

Things will come through for Mike. You have to believe and keep your faith strong. Things SEEM dire when you're in the muck & mire but know that it won't last forever. Both jobs although not particularly wonderful with added expenses could yield other opportunities to Mike and he could find something to suit ya'll's needs. How's your preparation's for classes at Sunflower Cottage coming? Are you still going to do that? Maybe focus your time & energy on that as well to give you something you love to do and it'll bring you into new connections with folks and never know what opportunities can open up there.

Depression bites I can definitely sympathize there but you cannot let things keep getting you down. For every negative trust me there's a positive if not 2 or 3 or even 5 more around you. Look at all you have to be thankful for and remind yourself that each day is a new chance to make better decisions and choices and you can either throw yourself a pity party or throw yourself into Life and LIVE IT!

Jealous? Be serious! We ALL have set backs and times when we just aren't where we want to be but that's why we come here to one another for support and encouragement. Its not easy because we're putting ourselves out here but we still need to do it. What about your accomplishments? What about seeking out new and interesting ways to exercise? The couch and TV will still be there tomorrow. I know you say you are having a rough time with being tired and depressed but getting outside and even sitting by the garden getting fresh air and doing say legs lifts and arm twirls and such can help. Knitting & crocheting are wonderful accomplishments so what about those?

Its NOT whining Ann! Its getting things out. Seriously there's always more room out than in. Take things one day at a time. When you get bursts of energy use them to your advantage. When you are feeling down and blaaaaaaaaaaaah focus on your accomplishments. When you get by the docs office and they can do your adjustment hopefully you'll notice a quick difference. You've got folks coming to visit etc. Chin up cause woman on your WORST day there is ALWAYS someone else who is much worse off than you. Taking solace in knowing that you're alive and given choices. You just have to make them.

Hugs........

Terrific response, Kat.  And of course, I already knew everything you said...I guess it helps to be reminded though.  When in the trenches like I am, it's easy to overlook the obvious & thank God I have friends like you to bring the obvious to the foreground.

I think I'm lucky to be the kind of person that I am in that even in depression I don't completely lose sight of where my brain should be.  I knew to come here, share my thoughts & feelings, & I knew the kind of response I would get from ya'll.  In short, I know how to reach out & ask for help.  Not sympathy, but help or support.  I'm a fighter & I know I will never settle for feeling like this.  I realize that this is a temporary situation & that there IS life in spite of depression.  I hope you & everyone else here who loves me & supports knows that I depend on you to hold my hand through these difficult times & I, too, will do the same for you.  It does no good at all to hold up, alone, & try to deal with this stuff by myself.  I THINK I have embraced the full meaning of this group which is to love, support, & maybe even protect each other from all the crap that can come crashing down on us all.  NOBODY needs to suffer in silence or alone.  So I have no shame in coming here & reaching out to you all.  I feel so sad for those that think they have to face the world alone or that they think they must be brave & not burden others.  What a load of bunk!  Maybe there would be less depression, or even suicides, if we'd only reach out.

You asked about my Sunflower Cottage project.  Well, I've been productive there.  I made posters to put up around town.  Nino placed 3 of them on bulletin boards at the county office buildings & I received a call from a lady within a couple of hours.  So there's one student.   I just placed one at the salon where I get my girlie stuff done, yesterday, so hopefully that will bring in more calls.  So yes, I'm still pursuing that venture.  I find that no matter how down I feel, I always manage to use my yarn work to help me through.  Maybe it's because I have to concentrate on something other than my problems & then I get to look at something really pretty when it's done & I feel a sense of accomplishment.  At any rate, I am still working on getting classes started.

I have been getting outside in the fresh air.  I just get frustrated when I can't get up & move around the way I want to.  But I see your point.  I need to stop focusing on what I CAN'T do & enjoy the things I can do.  And yes, there are folks out there worse off than me.  See?  That's one of those "obvious" points I was talking about.  Yesterday was so beautiful.  I had to go to Warrenton for another dental appointment.  I had Matt drive just so I could look out the window & take in everything around me.  We even drove with the widows open...I love fresh air.  I held my hand out the window & let the wind carry my hand up & down, like I used to do as a kid.  I soooo wished I was out on Sage, riding through it all.  Wishing is ok to do.

On a good note...I have a beautiful smile back again!  As ya'll know, I've been spending a lot of time with the dentist.  Well, yesterday I got my new crown set in.  He also repaired the chip on my front tooth & filled in a small gap I'd developed.  Wow!  It's amazing!  So all day I kept looking in a mirror & smiling at myself...lol.  I can't wait to show it off.

I am feeling better in some ways.  Not physically yet, but emotionally.  I'm not out of the woods yet, but baby steps, right?  I know it will come eventually.  So, no, I'm not giving in to the depression...it's just slowing me down a little.

I did have a bit of uneeded excitement last night.  I'm still learning how to use my contacts & I didn't do so well last night.  Long story short, I had to go in to my eye doctor's office for an emergency visit.  I thought my contact had slid up under my eye lid where I couldn't get at it.  Oh my goodness!  My eye hurt sooooo much.  Turns out the contact wasn't in there but that I had scratched my cornea.  Thank goodness that the eye is the fastest healing organ in our body!  The doctor says I will be fine, that I can put a new contact in on Sunday & he showed me the "proper" way to remove it.  As if I needed more drama, right? lol

Well, I need to get off here & get ready for Mickie's visit.  Kat, thank you so much for taking the time to respond as you did.  And thank you for being my friend & understanding.  Thank you for being one of my voices of reason.  I love you very much.  I'm gonna be fine, but then you know that already, huh?

I pray for everything to turn around for you, Ann, and that you receive lots of good news in the near future. You are not alone. I've been battling insomnia for years and without medication, I would never sleep. I've adjusted to being able to function on very little sleep, but I'm not a fan of it. I recently started napping a little again and its quite nice.

You are also not alone in the weight loss. I've officially gained almost 20 pounds since January. I'm totally disgusted with myself. I finally got off my butt yesterday and ran after work. I ran my heart out for a block, then I'd walk, then I'd run, etc. I'm so angry with myself and life in general. I don't know what to do. I never have the energy to actually work out as I'm supposed to. It takes everything I have to get out of bed everyday. I don't have the money, so I cancelled my gym membership. When I saw the scale tipping so close to 200, I almost lost my mind. I hope that I can stay inspired to do more jogging/running tomorrow.

Hang in there.
A

Thanks for the prayers, Amber.

Sux you've been dealing with insomnia for so long.  This is new to me & I hate it.  I'm usually a nightowl, but this up all night crap is ridiculous.  Good for you that you're napping.  Catnaps are always good.  Or is that catnips?  Hmmm.  Maybe that's what we're doing wrong, Amber...we need CATNIP!!

Getting close to 200...how funny that that sentence can take on such different meaning for 2 people.  You are dreading it & I'm looking forward to it!  I guess we BOTH need to assess what it is we're doing that we shouldn't.  Maybe we're not making good food choices?  We both know we're not getting enough exercise.  So what's it gonna take for you & me to get back on track?  Maybe we can work on that together?

I'm loving you, girlie!!

Ann,
Kat couldn't have said it better.  I am always here for you and you know that.  You are a blessing to us all and we need you.  Don't hold things in.  If you have to, call or PM.  I think you should share with Mike.  I know he would want that.  It is easier said than done but he is your life partner and he deserves to know whats going on.  You all remain in my prayers!

huggles,

Hey there Tammy-kins!  I know you are here for me & I'm so thankful for that.  That's one of those "blessings" Kat mentioned.  You said not to hold things in...who's holding? lol  Not me!  I know when I need help & I'm certainly not afraid to ask.  As for telling Mike...I'm just biding my time.  He's in his typical military-mind mode...on a mission...which can make him somewhat short-sighted.  I don't want to give the wrong impression of my beloved...he's not a complete a$$...I just know when there's too much for him to deal with.  I'm not in a life-or-death situation so I think I can hold off for awhile.  Besides, why give him more to worry about when there's not a thing he can do about it anyway?  I will bring him up to speed as need be.  In the meantime, even though I miss spending time with him, I'd rather he go to the farm & relax & get away from all this stress.  Our friends there are taking good care of him, & you all are taking good care of me, so it's all good.

Go check you PM's...I'm sending you one in a few.

Ann,
In my hurry to make it to training class (which was cancelled since the trainer is sick today) I forgot to say the most important thing in my thoughts.....I know it is hard but please try and remember that HE has a plan for all of us and even though it may seem like to much for us, HE only gives us what we can handle and no more.  HE is with you thru this diffucult time and will remain by your side as long as you let him.  Don't hold back...take everything to HIM.  That is what he is there for!  Remember, HE loves us no matter what and will never turn HIS back on us!

Ok sweetheart I know you are feeling down it is now time to pick yourself up and get on with life. Next week they will get the implant will be worked on and gotten where it needs to be. If you like I will take some of that extra weight and give it to my dad since he is losing the weight so fast. You are doing what you feel is right but I think that you need to at least 2 a day go outside and just sit in the yard and let the fresh air do its work on you. As far as the smoking you can get back on track and it is never to late. I love you and I say these things because I do love you and want you as a friend. Please listen to what we are all saying and try to do it. The more you move around the more the fluid will come off I know when I do not move around it gets bad but when I walk it goes down. You have my number just call I will listen and talk to you if need be. Kat is the same way so just give us a call.

Thank you, Pat, for your love & support.  Believe me...I AM listening to ya'll.  It helps to have my friends remind me of the obvious.  I'm sending prayers out for your Dad that he improves.

I am getting out into the fresh air everyday.  I may not be able to work the veggie garden myself, but I can sure sit in a lawn chair & supervise! LOL  We didn't do all that work just so the fruits of our labor can rot on the vine!  I even thought about having one of the boys set up a camp cot under a tree so I could maybe take a nap outside.  How nice would THAT be?!

I love you too, my sister!