Just an apology to....... (kinda long, sorry)

Everyone on this board. It seems as though I have been going through my very own battle with the depression demon and instead of just admitting it, I chose to do the opposite and hide, be ashamed and let it take over and win. The journey of WLS is much more emotional than I EVER thought possible. The depression, confusion, anxiety, scaredness and sadness over what I had thought was a definite stall all led me to become someone that was not me, someone I was and am not proud of.

I admit to avoiding people, family & friends, to not being around as much as I should or as much as I wanted too. I didn't participate in things that normally, I would have. I found excuses to not be included in functions, whether it be with friends or family. I didn't do anything that I didn't want to, regardless of who it was that was involved. I became selfish. If not for any other thing, for that, I am truly sorry and more ashamed than I could express. I truly NEVER meant to cut any one out of my life, especially none of you, the ones that know best what I am going through.

I didn't deal with the emotions well. I was (maybe still am) confused. I am definitely still scared and going through some emotional things right now. While I am down 90 lbs now, since March, and obviously there is a noticeable difference and change, I still DO NOT see it. To me, I am still the 318 lb super morbidly obese woman that I was... The same super morbidly obese woman that I will always be. That thought alone scares me and makes me wonder about things. I never thought before WLS, that I had an out and out addiction to food. I had always thought that there were certain things that were trigger foods but forever, I tried to tell myself that I was not an emotional eater. WRONG!! Going through this journey so far, the not being hungry, not wanting or having the desire to eat, has made me realize, more than ever, that I definitely had an addiction to food. That has triggered me to be scared, not just afraid, but scared for my life and for my success in this journey for the fear that I may begin wanting to eat, or actually liking to eat again and that will only take me right back to where I was. 318 lbs, alone and dying. I guess, pre or post op, that I never dealt with my love for food and post op, I haven't dealt with my loss of food. I have not mourned the loss of food. Maybe once I do, I can deal with and even tackle some of the other issues and even conquer many of them.

Over the last week or so, I have realized that the way I was handling things was NOT the way in which they needed to be handled. I have spent a lot of time over the last week, talking and spending time with someone who has done nothing but shown me support. While everyone on here definitely supports me, the kind of support from Dan is support from an outsider. He knows (or knew) very little about the WLS process except for the basics. Talking with him, getting his perspective, opinions and suggestions, it has become so much clearer what I need to do to handle Theresa. From him, I have gathered so much knowledge, and even more self confidence. I don't think he will ever know how, in such a short time, he was able to help me figure so many things out. I think, with the help he has given me in feeling more confident about myself, I will be able to cope through other issues. And of course, I was enjoying the non mommy time we shared when we are out. It gives me a break from things that I normally cant get away from and I am able to push to the back of my mind all the things that were or are troubling me. Although I love being with him and spending time with him, occasionally I feel as though I am using him as my emotional escape. Maybe he won't mind too much! One can hope!

So here I sit, waiting to tackle, each day, what comes my way. But feeling so sorry for the way I have treated ya'll or not treated ya'll. I truly never meant to shun any of you and I hope that ya'll can forgive me, if for nothing else, because you, more than anyone, can and do understand what I am going through. Just know that, while I am still coping with things, and may not be around like I was, I never forget each of you and love all of ya'll to pieces. I promise to hopefully soon, come back to being me, Theresa Marie!!!

Oh Theresa.  No apology~~Please!!!  When one say this journey is a rollercoaster, that was not lie. WLS is one wild ride, this ups and down, twist and turns, and loops.  Who every thought it would be fun, scary, triumphent all the same time.  You had this surgery to change your life.  It was surgery on you stomach, not your brain.  Think about it this way.  If you did not have this surgery.  How would you handle this?  Picking up somthing to eat?  Now, look at you, you are facing your demons head on.  It is hard, it is scary, but think about what is going happen at the other end.  As long as you fight them and over come them, in the end you will look back and say, I DID THAT!!  Look at me NOW!!  It is not easier battle and it can get dark, but pushing through.  It is a challenge and one that is winable.  Fight for it.  As far as your friend, I truley believe, people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  They have a purpose.  I have had friends that I have lost contact with over the years, either throuh myself or their doing.  It wasn't bad reasons, it is just we may need to move on for different reason.  But each person who has come into my life has served a purpose.  Whether for mine or their personal growth.  Some are still in my life and very dear to me.  Every person, whether a good experience or bad experience is a blessing. 

Oh, hun!!! No need to apologize! This journey is filled with growth opportunities and it can be very painful at times to confront the bumps in the road when we get to territories in which we have never been. I have those same fears of ending right back up at 308 pounds, but what helps the most is surrounding myself with people and things to help me be successful and avoiding those people and things who are toxic. Many times that means reframing my whole life and/or cutting certain people or things out and it is scary and depressing, but I realize those are just "growing pains" and they WILL subside as growth occurs and we add new tools and knowledge to our coping skill set. Remember, God gives blessings to those vessels empty enough to receive them. Before, it was easier to eat, run away or allow people treat me like gum on their shoe because I felt that I deserved no better. I am so proud of you for embracing the growth and changes and realizing that although it is painful, it is at those times you need loving, supportive people the most. I am one of those people for you! It is OK to use people as an "escape"; to bounce ideas off of and just get a hug or a kind word when we need it. If it weren't for the "escape" my hubby provides, I would never have had this surgery much less been so successful. I am here for you, babe!!!! Every pound of the way. Love you lots!!!

No apology necessary.  Just know that I have been where you are now and I am here for you if you need me.

Tam

Hey Theresa,

I'm happy to hear from you. I want you to know you are absolutey, positively NOT alone and we have all and will all face these very things again and again. What's important is not only self realization but realizing too that we are here for one another. I'm VERY much as you describe yourself and there are MANY others here just like us.

Gonna put myself out here a little bit with some fear but very little hesitation. *I* personally have experienced almost the same exact things you have with regard to someone coming into your life and he's definitely been/continues to be an Angel sent from none other the God himself. Its taken a while for me to realize so many things and having done so through his eyes (among others) and seeing myself in completely different lights. I can probably assure you and myself/others that I'll never ever be able to find the words to thank him enough. Everyday is a blessing that we're in one another's lives.

I loathe admitting that I'm struggling, that I not only want help but need it too. I'm great at taking care of EVERYTHING/EVERYONE else but when it comes to me I've been dogging myself into the ground and then some. Our WLS journeys in my opinion have allowed us to break open things we've harbored for years and years and we're able to peel back so many layers and really dig deep within ourselves. I've come to learn the things we're finding out about ourselves are unlike any experiences we've dealt with but wow what a flippin' ride eh?

Btw, where did you think we were going? Did you think we were just gonna be crabby apples and say good ridden's and say bugger off? Yeah NOT happening now, NOT happening ever!!! CONGRATULATIONS on the blessing of 90 lb GONE!!! What a WONDERFUL success with more to come. I'm 5 1/2 years out and STILL struggle with the gal in my head. We talked about this quite a bit this weekend. Its still a very REAL thing in our heads even this far out. Fear is THE emotion that drives all the others (IMO) and we have to work on that everyday. There is not ONE person who can honestly say that don't have FEARS they wouldn't be honest.

You're no longer 318 lb, no longer dying but LIVING and are so far from being alone I cannot even begin to express the love, support and commonality so many of us share. Almost NO ONE I know actually dealt with their addictions pre-op hence the reason we've made the choice TO deal with them WITH WLS. Its NEVER too late to deal with the shoe boxes you've stacked nicely and neatly in your closet filled to the brim with EVERYTHING you've been avoiding ....that is ....until NOW.

I love the shoe box word picture because its something that sticks in my mind all the time. Crap happens in our lives and we shove things in these shoe boxes tossing the lid on and stacking them higher and higher figuring if we avoid them they'll either go away or we'll deal when we're ready. Well, a funny thing about the mountain of shoe boxes in the closet. No matter how neatly they are stacked they WILL come tumbling down at some point. We have to plant our arses on the floor and start grabbing those shoe boxes, ripping the lids off and dealing with their contents. We've got choices and we have to make them. We can deal with the contents by putting closure to them ourselves by all the ways & means we can and if that doesn't work we ask for help, support etc to deal with the contents and put closure to them then toss them OUT. Then there are the ones that are like answers from God when we pray. View it like this ...its either YES .....NO .....or....NOT RIGHT NOW.

What you're describing with Dan is much like I've got in my life. Its the most amazing connection I'm come to experience in my LIFE. Aside from the births of my 2 beautiful miracles this connection is by FAR the one that I not only didn't see coming but now that I have it my God Theresa I get to experience Life in ways I didn't know existed. I too have felt at times like I lean on my Angel for an emotional escape but guess what? Its just NOT true. WHY? Because its GIVE AND TAKE. Its never one sided, never has been and never will be. How do ya like them apples?

ALL we can do is take things day by day. We aren't perfect and THANKFULLY no one expects us to be. Forgiveness isnt even a question. Coping? Yep, that would be me and everyone else on these boards too. Trust me when I say this is unlike ANY journey you will EVER take in all your life and the ups, downs and all of it in between is just an amazing path with twists and turns and know that I am NEVER behind you, NEVER in front of you but now and always BESIDE you just as the Lord professes to us that He is.

I have a dedication not just to you but my other besties that are struggling their arses off right now and you KNOW who you are .....with ALL my heart, love, support and soul ....from me to you .....Kat :)


Bring on the Rain - Jo Dee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (‘cause)

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I’m not dead

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Tommorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Bring on the rain...
Bring on the rain...
Bring on the rain...

O sweet Theresa ..
Do you know how much you are loved ? So very much .
I want you to know that I so understand your feelings. I too have gone through my own hell lately . I did not want to share , felt like no one cared . But thanks to you all , I am back and my depression and anxiety is really getting better .
I have had to tell the liars in my head to leave . I know that I am so worth enjoying this great life that God has given me .

You are so on the right track . Just keep praying and seeking answers .
Just know you are worth so very much , not only here but to so many in your life . Know that you are a success and that your own encouragment that you offer here is so appreciated . We need you here and want you to be back .

I wish I could reach through this screen and hug you . One day I will get the chance .
if you need to talk more , just know I am a PM away .
Love you dearly ,
Tink

Just a word here I Love you and you are doing great and keep up the good work. Call me if you need to and I will be here. Just take it one day at a time.

Oh Theresa I am so sorry you are going through this.  In the beginning it can definitely be crazy as you lose that weight and all those hormones in your body are going crazy.  The journey is emotional, both good & bad.  They say it takes us about two years to really see the new us, for me, I do see the new me but a lot of times still see the old me & have the self esteem issues still.

Try not to pull away from everyone, sometimes some solitude is good but at the same time withdrawal can make you feel worse.  If Dan is helping so much then definitely keep him around.  Talk to him about what you are feeling, tell him you enjoy the time together, how much he is helping you and that he is a God send.  Let him know that he is not your emotional escape but that you are very thankful he is in your life at this time.  Open communication is a wonder.

 

Taking things day by day and working through it is the best thing.  I hope you feel better soon & know that you will be missed.

Seems to be the topic of the month...depression.

You are normal.  I am over 2 years out and STILL do not see the smaller me.  Sometimes i do, but not always.  The mind takes longer to catch up than the body.  So, know that you are normal (ok...as normal as normal can be).

What you are feeling is partly the hormones changing because of the weight loss.  it is not "you" and has nothign to do with "you"...it's your hormones.  You have come a long way and are doing GREAT!  I (along with everyone else here) am SO very proud of you - you've worked hard and it shows.

Depression is a b*tch - we know that.  And unfortunately, it is something that we all have to deal with.  It's how we choose to deal with it that keeps us going.  Coming out and asking for help is one way.  No one here will judge you for asking for help.  We are your friends and family.

i was recently told that I was a selfish friend because I am there for everyone when they need it, but will not allow anyone to be there for me when I need it.  Took me back, but she was right.  Please don't be selfish.  You can come to us - even to vent (we've ALL been there).

You know how to reach me......

I love ya, Girl......

(((hugs))))

Hi Theresa!

I'm new to the board, but not new to WLS (had my surgery almost 2 years ago) and I venture to say that probably everyone on this board has been where you are at one point or another on their journey. So, sweetie, NO APOLOGY NECESSARY!  Sounds like you are figuring things out and that's the main thing!!  Just remember, you can always come here.  :)