I'm not the rock I thought I was.

I don't know what's wrong with me today.  I can't seem to stop crying & I just don't do that.  I feel like I should call someone but I don't know who to call.  I feel like I should know what's going on, but I don't.  I just feel really puny...really small.  Ashamed.  Guilty.  Failure.  Hypocrit.  Stupid.  Do I need to go on?  Probably not.  Lost.  I feel lost.  I feel exactly the way I spoke to Pam about on the phone yesterday...that reaching out makes me a burden to others.  Of course there's a part of me that already KNOWS that's ridiculous, but wow, when you're in the throws of whatever this is...depression?...it really can be overwhelming.  As I told her, isn't it interesting how quickly we will run to our computers to share our wow moments, our accomplishments, but when we find ourselves tumbling down a hill, we're very slow to say, Hey!  I need some help here.  So I'm taking every bit of pride & energy, with tears streaming down my face, & feeling totally guilt-ridden and I'm saying...HEY! I NEED SOME HELP HERE.  Please?  My rock is swiftly turning into sand & I'm so sorry for being this weak.

OMG!  Let me start by telling you how much I love and adore you.  I hate that you feel like this.  Whatever it is, it's ok, and you getting upset really does just make the matters worse.  Do not feel guilt ridden...there is no room for it in your life and it will only cause you misery. You are right...yesterday, I had a melt down and if you had not posted this, no one would have known.  But, either there is something in the air these days, or (well...I just do not know). So...let's figure this out.  What's up?  What can I help you with????

Well Ann sorry your blue and feeling so bad, but Im right there w/ ya kiddo I had a Dr's appointment yesterday and I was more depressed when I came out than when I went in. These rollar noster rides of emotions I go on are killing me and Im really tired of them. And here not sure w/ you all they want to do is shove pills in ya. Im sick of pills and and being a pin cushion and I didnt loose all this d*** weight to gain it back because I cant get people to listen to my pain and help me throught the tough times w/out meds. So I here you girlfriend sending you a great big  (((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))) from me to you, Hope you get to feeling better soon. We can fight these demons one at a time and we will win! ya be strong and fight the loomys as Kat calls them I have to put a smile on my face when I see that word that way I know Im feeling a lil sunshine. We all are a family and we shouldnt feel ashamed to come here or guilty but I know at times I do and other as well. We need one another to pull through the hard times. Im here....   

I'm so sorry you're having a bad time, Ann. Believe me, I've been there frequently. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me and I'll give you my number. You can cry all you want to. I have big shoulders. ((huggles))                                      Jamie

I just wanted to say I love you!!!!  I understand exactly what you are feeling.  We just have to believe  in ourselves, we will make it.  So on that note... Boo, Hiss, Stomp my feet, yell, scream, cry, (just wanted to release my bad feelings right along with you).

You are allowed to feel down once in a while. We all need that boo hoo for me time. I'm sure it will pass. Just keep on talking to your friends and get your self moving. Don't let the devil get to you. He's on your heels so if you don't stop he can't get you! When I get down I make a list of the good things that have happened to me and my accomplishments. It seems like there are so very few until you start to put them on paper. They can be as small as making some one smile by complimenting them on their new blouse. I don't know if this will help you, but it seems to get me feelign a little better when I 'm down. (((HUGS))) SherylLynn

Ok lets snap out of this and get things better. Hey you do know that I love you don't you. You will be fine shortly.

Good pm Ann, I don't have much to offer except my unconditional love, support and prayers. I am not in the best place myself right now. When we feel helpless we turn on ourselves telling ourselves lies letting the Devil create chaos, placing doubt and literally making us feel like CRAP. Several of us are facing issues and its very hard to admit for some folks but we need each other. Being vulnerable and accepting help, support etc takes a LOT of patience, putting pride aside and saying eff I cannot do this alone. I wish I lived closer. Weak? So, you are not allowed to break EVER? That's crap and you know it. I WISH I could break but I keep telling myself I don't have time. I'm on a roll with things but at some point I will crash. You are there it seems but we are here/there for you. Its not easy besides nothing worth it ever is. I keep reading over and over affirmations about myself, looking at before/after's reminding myself of my successes, looking at the folks in my life who love me, care about me, show me it, tell me it, nature which God paints a new picture everyday, leaning on Him more and I'm getting to the point where I'm making choices to try and get out of this funk. Its gonna take time because there is so much I just cannot get into right now but I'm NOT a quitter and won't give up. Neither are you. Love you - Me

My darling sisters...thank you so much for the outpouring of love, support, & phone numbers & calls.  I'm feeling better, or at least back in more control than I was this morning.  I got some very helpful posts here, along with some perfectly-timed phone calls.  Courtney beat ya'll to the phone & she talked me through a lot of my woes.  Jill, you suggested I break down the issues so we did that some.  Courtney asked me if I'd lost any lbs lately, to which I said yes, a couple.  She then reminded me that hormones are attached to those fat cells, so likely that was a contributing factor.  Funny how we can so easily forget the simplest of answers when we're so distraught.  I suspect that alot of you are like me in that once I can IDENTIFY or put a name to something, it's not as big an issue as before.  So, ok, hormones from lbs lost is one mystery solved.  We next tackled the issue of not taking ANY of my meds...why?  That's when I got all weepy on her again.  But I let the words come instead of giving into the raw emotions.  The fact is I'm now taking more stuff SINCE my wls than I did before, and they're freaking HUGE!!  I had to buy a ginormous weekly pill thing just so I could dole them all out weekly & the darned thing's bigger than my purse!  Not to mention the rubbermaid tote...it's twice as big as my purse.  My multi-vitamin, extra Vitamin C & baby aspirin aren't an issue...they're chewable.  But because I have genetically high (extremely high) cholesterol, my PCP has me on 4 capsules of prescription fish oil a day, plus a pharmacutical cholesterol drug at 6 per day.  Then there's my metformin, a time-release drug for the diabetes that cannot be crushed, along with bp pill & heart medicine.  I can't tell you how many times they've either gotten stuck & caused much pain, or I'd start gagging just trying to swallow them.  Why they have to be so danged huge is a mystery to me.  So the size & amount of these pills has been overwhelming.  I'm just gonna have to talk to Dr. Hottie & tell him that something's gotta give.  He has to understand that I'm not able to take these horse pills without major problems.  Otherwise I'll just make the choice myself & live with the high cholesterol.  That would eliminate TEN of those dreaded things.  Can you imagine?  I'm taking 20 pills a day...or rather I'm SUPPOSED to take them.  We talked about how Matt & I are enabling each other.  Yesterday is a good example.  We were at Walmart, in the food section.  We came upon the candy aisle...the one with ALL the candy choices.  How cruel of Walmart to move them from near the greeting card aisle to being on the same aisle as the canned fruit.  One side of the aisle, healthy, good choices...directly across, the bad stuff, the temptation stuff.  We both managed to find a way to justify our individual candy choices & brought that trash home.  And then, around midnight, we both put that trash in our mouths!  So after my chat with Courtney, I spoke to Matt & appologized to him for allowing us both to be so weak instead of being strong for each other.  And I'm very proud of him...he appologized too.  So. another demon slayed.  Courtney & I spoke about my mother.  I told C that all I wanted to do was curl up in my Mother's lap & let her comfort me the way she used to do.  Another sobbing jag came on, & I'm choking back tears now, writing this.  What I'm about to say might sound odd to some, but hear me out.  I told her that I sort of wish my Mom was actually dead because at least there would be closure...finality.  I miss my Mom...the Mom she used to be.  She has Alzheimers & is living in her own little world in a nursing home in Oklahoma.  She has no idea who I am.  I'm her first borne, but she doesn't remember having me as a daughter let alone the other 4 daughters & 1 son she has.  My heart breaks when I try to talk to her on the phone.  I try so hard to jog her memory, hoping that some glimmer of recollection will come back.  It's just not there.  So I feel like I'm in constant mourning & it hurts.  Especially when I have times like this morning.  I really REALLY needed her, but she's just not there anymore.  So there's a demon yet to be reconned with.  Not sure how to get past that one yet.  As our conversation continued for the better part of an hour, I began to realize that 5, then 10, then 20 minutes had passed & I hadn't started crying.  I was slowly beginning to feel some control coming back.  C shared some of her difficulties with me & we commisserated together.  Of course we proclaimed our undying love & friendship to each other & soon I felt strong enough to not need to keep talking.  After we hung up, I went upstairs, put some clothes on, told Matt to do the same & we headed outside.  I needed to pull myself away from this computer & stop re-reading my posts...too depressing.  First we tried to play badmitton...well, after 5 minutes I was getting too winded (thanks alot crappy heart!) & a couple of times nearly twisted my ankle.  So we quit that.  Then I got out the hula hoop I bought yesterday (that's YOUR fault, Jill...lol).  I used to be the queen champion hula hooper back in the day.  Well, we quckly discovered we BOTH suck at it, although Matt got it going pretty good a few times.  Of course he's looking around hoping nobody can see him.  Duuuuhh....we live in the boonies...ain't nobody out here but him & I, the dogs, the horse, & a few cows.  I don't know about ya'll, but I can't recall EVER hearing a cow giggle!  Ok what to do next?  Ah hah...I got a bright ideal.  Let's prune some trees!!!!  Instant groans from Matt, of course.  But we got out the loppers, clippers & the axe & went to town.  I was sweating so much that it was running into my eyes, but for 45 minutes I pruned trees.  Matt took a break & when he came back out, he had my gallon-sized water jug full of ice water.  I was COMMANDED to take a break, sit down, & drink.  No sooner did he give me that command when my phone rang.  It was Pat, Kat's Mom.  So while I rested, she got me talking some more.  Before  long, we were chatting away.  I shared some of my "revelations" with her & she of course reassured me that I am not alone in all this.  Thank you, Pat.  So, that's where I'm at now...sitting here, after reading all your responses.  My collection of phone numbers have increased by many of you PM'ing, offering your shoulders to cry one.  You are all amazing, loving people & I don't know what I would do without you.  I still have issues to get to but I need to get off here for now.  Antonio just arrived....with lunch!  Ahhhh, I just love Italy! LOL  But I WILL be back later on.  I'm not done making repairs yet.  Thank you all for being my friend & for jumping in to help.  I love you all.