How to Walk through Fire

How to Walk through Fire by Katie Jay, MSW, CTA-certified Wellness Coach Director, National Association for Weight Loss Surgery www.nawls.com

Ever since I was a little girl, I have felt like something is wrong with me. You see, I was different from other people, and I reasoned that my difference made me "less than."

I'm not sure about all the reasons that happened. My friend Karen says that things happen in childhood that we don't understand, so we make ourselves wrong (tell ourselves lies) in order to feel right about the world and those we depend on. Sometimes people in our lives even help us develop the lies.

My parent's divorce is one obvious example to explain the concept of telling ourselves lies.

When my father left, his explanation included that my sister and I were neglecting him, that our lives were so full we didn't need him anymore.

I told a whopper to myself about this. (Okay, I probably developed a hundred lies from this fertile episode in my life, but I'll share one for now.)

The Lie: My needs, if I had any at all, were insignificant and not as important as other people's needs. I was insignificant and not worth the time it would take for someone to really know and understand me.

Over time, the lie began to feel like the honest truth to me. And I acted in a manner that communicated to people I was not worth knowing and understanding. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What's heartbreaking is how wrong I was and how much this lie has taken from me.

Looking outside myself for the answers didn't work. I walked through fire this year, literally! Like Anthony Robbins. I did it because I wanted an emotional breakthrough. I wanted to feel confident and capable.

I was hoping it would fix my confidence problem.

What I felt, instead, were blisters and abandonment. The facilitator, who promised to be by my side the whole time, did not walk with me after all. I didn't realize it until I saw the picture later.

(Here's the link to the picture. It's hard to see that the coals were red hot -- but believe me, they were: http://www.nawls.com/public/963.cfm)

I didn't feel more confident afterwards.

The experience confirmed that I'll try ANYTHING to feel better, even if it's crazy -- because I am fundamentally flawed (another lie).

I recently realized the fire I need to walk through is the pain of discovering my lies and accepting the real truth. So, I have gone back to therapy.

The emotional blisters I am getting are signs of my courage, as I finally face my lies. And the calluses (boundaries I am learning to set with people) will protect me from being so easily hurt again.

Your assignment: While the answer to what's wrong with me lies in me (and should be a question of what's right with me), I have used outside support to identify my lies and take them on one-by-one.

If you are believing lies about yourself, they could hinder your WLS progress. Reflect on this and consider getting help to address this issue in your life.

And don't tell yourself you can't afford to. There are organizations that provide therapy on a sliding scale to meet all budgets!

Good am Jill, I am sitting here out back in nature and tearing up having read this. Its a GREAT lesson.

Touched me this a.m too!!!  Needed it.  Thanks for always throwing out the stuff that helps, even if it is difficult to face.

Thi**** home for me too! I had a dreadful childhood, very rough and full of beatings and even at my age I am scarred by it all. But I have managed to move on with it and not let the bitterness affect me - most of the time. I wasn't as scarred by it as Katie Jay was by her childhood and I don't blame it for everything. I think I did get to where I am today despite my childhood not because of it. But I also know other people who are so scarred by their childhood they can't move on.... and for that I am so sorry for them. Therapy is a great idea but often people do not recognise they need it. Great lesson!   Too many of us are too proud to seek help. But there is help available. There is no shame in someone helping you work out something that you are so involved in you can't see outside of it. Jackie