Strange behavior after my 2 year surgery f/u yesterday

I had my 2 year WLS follow-up with my surgeon yesterday. I was excited to see him and everyone else and made sure I wore an outfit that made me feel good, as well as some make-up, jewelry, etc. When Dr. Maher came into the exam room, his first words were that he would not have recognized me and he was all smiles. Now there are a few people on this board who have had Dr. Maher for their surgery and can attest to the fact that his is not really a "gusher".  He shoots from the hip, makes no bones about what he expects from you, and takes his work VERY seriously. I love him though and was thrilled that he was smiling and going on about my being a success. Then I saw our nurse coordinator, Jill. While visiting with her and looking at some of my "before" pictures, another nurse came in for something and started looking at my pictures also. Well, she was so enthusiastic about how I looked and asked if she could bring my pictures down to the nurses' station to show others. Of course, I said Go Right Ahead! Soon after that, a group of them came back to look at me and we were there in the room, spilling out on to the hallway, talking and laughing. They wanted to see my plastic surgery scars, they were passing around my photos and just generally gushing over how happy I seemed and how well I was doing. It was fun and I loved it.  We were laughing and sharing and it just felt so good. I felt like I was on cloud 9 when I left there. I could not wait to come home and exercise with Brian. So between the time I life the hospital and got home, a funny thing happened.  I started feeling strange about all the attention that I got there, as if I did not really "deserve" it. I felt like they were all going on about how well I did and I had the overwhelming urge to run back there and tell them that I lost 130 pounds IN SPITE OF MYSELF, not because I got it and could do it perfectly (yes, I see that the old "perfect" word has crept in). I felt like such a fake. Now, intellectually, I know that I cannot fake a 130 pound weight loss with almost a year's maintenance so far. But the emotional feelings were raw by the time I got home and guess what I did?? Immediately went to the pantry and ate a small bag of chips... felt awful (they are so greasy and lousy tasting now)... then ate one of those 6 pack of peanut butter and crackers, followed by 2 chocolate chip cookies. I polished it off by toasting a large bagel. I ate half of it and really did not feel well (oh, what a surprise). So I gave the other half to my husband and the dogs, sat in the chair to feel sorry for myself and promptly fell asleep (dumping had begun). Needless to say, I did not exercise. I spent the rest of the evening nodding off, feeling sad at what I had done, and trying to put the pieces together of my behavior. I think what happened is that I felt strange with all of the praise and gushing at the hospital. The Town Meeting was telling me that it was only "by luck and chance" that I made it this far, not because I really am successful - because after all, I still struggle with issues including making good food choices. So I fell back into an old habit of turning to food to push those feelings away and it didn't work. This morning I am telling myself that I have indeed succeeded at this journey, but it will never be over. And that's fine - I can continue to learn along the way. I am definitely going to concentrate on protein and exercise today and remind myself (gently, not annoyingly) that the next time those old feelings start to surface, I can be ready for them. Ah, the twists and turns never stop! I certainly keep myself busy trying to figure it all out.

Ok, Mary you have done great and I know that it hard to believe that people would do like the nurses did but that is because you have done such a fantastic job and look great. I am very proud of you and wish you the best. It can be very hard to take complements on how good you look and feel. Sorry for the misspelled words. You only need to listen to yourself saying I did it with the help of WLS I have myself to proud of and what you have accomplist.

Ok sweet Mary, I have read and re-read this .  It appears what happend yesterday is you started listening to the lies . Your not worthy, you don't deserve this . And when you started feeling defeated you turned to your friend. Food.  It is so easy to do , but what is just as easy is what you have done here today. You have recognized how it was triggered and see it . That is awesome. When we can identify what brings these types of sabatoge on , then we are defeating the lies.  At almost 4 years post op , I have over the last year just realized I OWN MY WEIGHTLOSS . It was me that worked hard and earned my spot of success. I like you have moments when I hear that voice tell me that I am not worthy nor deserving . Now I stand up to it and Shout it out .. I am worthy and I am deserving .

What I have been doing , is keeping a pad and pen near by. Even in the car. When I get to feeling crappy- or less than me .. I write down how I feel , what I did or want to do to get out of that place. and more times than none, I can re-route my feelings to sabotage with that Big Mack. It truly works. I have learned also that I am not and will never be perfect at the stuff . I make mistakes, but along that way I own up to it , and do better ..

You have every right in the world to be excited and proud of how far you have come . You are an inspiration , not only to me but to others here .

So my dear sweet Mary , own that success. Own your weightloss and never forget how far you have come , and where you are going !!

Love you ,

Natalie

 

Ok....how do I say this.....

YOU'RE NORMAL!

The feelings that you are are perfectly normal.  It is hard for us to accept that we are a success..an inspiration.  I know that from my own personal experience (we've had that conversation).  But, let me tell you what I am slowly learning....

1.  I made the decision to have surgery, despite the risks, therefore I am a success. 2.  I use my tool for good 80% of the time, therefore I am a success. 3.  I work my rear off, that alone makes me a success. 4.  I turn to my support each and ever day to make myself accountable, therefore I am a success. 5.  I maintain a positive attitude 80% of the time, therefore I am a success. This list could go on and on.  Remember our conversation, do not put a person down and make them feel bad by not accepting their compliment.  Even if you accepted it outwardly, you invalidate it when you make it a negative on the inside.  Most people want to share in our success, pure and simple.  They are happy for us and our accomplishments.  They know the demons we fight each day to be where we are, and many understand.  They are proud of our courage to continue on the fight. You have done extremely well, depite some of your internal set backs.  You get up each morning and decide to go forward instead of backward.  That alone makes you a success, because many do not.  Many hear the voices and bow down to them with donut in hand.  Many try to fight them back with a ho-ho and well...that just does not work.  But, not you...you fight them as best as you can. So...do not EVER feel like you are being fake (well, unless you get bigger boobs and say that they just magically appeared - haha).  You are the last person I would call fake (and there are several that I would, but that's for another day....). Relish in the momet.  It's a documented WOW moment and you cannot make me change that! Luv Ya!

I can definitely identify with what you are saying.  It is so hard to face that we are successfule, we did the work, we have a right to be proud.  I too have a hard time with the gushing.  I fight the same struggles with my emotional self, my worth & my sabotage.  Glad that you did think on it & recognize the who,what, when & where of it all.  :)

Mary, Congrats on the great doctor's appt. You do deserve it. It is hard work to loss weight and then maintain it also. Gwen

You have done terrific and all the medical personnel were admiring your efforts.  It doesn't matter that your 130lbs loss wasn't done perfectly - whose is!!??!!  It's very easy for people to only see the end result and be ecstatic for you - only YOU knows the trials you went through along the way.  And it's that hard work that you should be most proud of.  That along with the final result is the ultimate prize - that YOU ARE WORTH IT!  LOVE AND BIG HUGS TO YOU!

You know something?  I think it would be a very good idea to suggest to OH & even group leaders of smaller groups to perhaps invite a psychologist to speak.  There seems to be rash lately of depressed people here, or those with self esteem issues.  I really believe  having a psychologist to give us some tips to help us battle these negative feelings would help us out a lot. As for you, my darling, lovely friend, I'm glad you did some re-thinking on your reaction.  I'm also glad you're not beating yourself up over your little "party."  I don't think anyone here would judge you harshly, nor should they.  People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.  You had a few "testing" moments, you handled it as best you could for that moment, you identified what triggered it all, & you've made adjustments to your thinking.  So yet ANOTHER wow moment.  I'm proud of the way you handled it all & I thank you for baring your soul with us  & trusting us.  You're a class act, Miss Mary.

It's amazing, isn't it, Mary, how we can manage to sabotage ourselves without even knowing it?  Like you, I find myself turning positive attention about my weight loss right around...and don't do it consciously at all!  I shrug it off, act like it is no big deal, change the subject....the works, I don't get it.  It seems to me that the important thing to do here is to stop, take a deep breath, remember why you did it and be happy that you have done what you have in order to be healthier, feel better about yourself, and of course, look better!  I think it is wonderful that the surgeon and his staff were so excited...the fact is that you look amazing...pure and simple.  Step back, take a deep breath and enjoy the fact that you have done so well, and it is so noticeable.  That alone with shut the Town Meeting up...right then and there!  If you need someone else to remind you how great you look and you are, you know how to reach me!  :)

Mary first of all you are really normal even though you don't see it. We all do crazy things and you do have this  "I am not worthy" attitude that you allow to creep into your thoughts,  when you know what?- You are absolutely worthy of all this attention! If you allow yourself to look back then you can see what you have accomplished - it is indeed miraculous!!!  - you have lost so much weight and deserve the praise and admiration that you are receiving... Now Dr Maher praising you shows how much he thought you had achieved in his eyes! He was immensely proud of you - and it takes a lot to make a surgeon proud.... but you know what? You earned every word of that praise!! Mary, please stop trying to be perfect!! No-one is perfect here......... we all do things we shouldn't - itis all about control and how we deal with it...... when you think you are not perfect or deserving then you go on confirming it by going off track.... that is not the answer because it is harder to then get back on track - you need to find a way of accepting that praise and go and reward yourself with something other than food.... we need to help you find a way to do that so you stop doubting yourself.... let me help you with that - I will be back next week  - please contact me... Yesterday was one day but today was another - time to get back on the wagon again and back to exercising and back to reporting in - good or bad! It was good that you were able to share this with us - but you haven't written a word since about it - you need to let us know what you are thinking so we can help you..... And you are so right - this will never be over but how we deal with it can be stronger each time..... As long as you went straight back on track you can put yesterday behind you and look forward.... not backwards........ Let us know how you are - okay? Hey and are you going to come to the Meet and Greet in June? We would love you see you again! Jackie