I know who I am, but who WAS I?

My loving husband got up this morning and together we scrubbed this house from top to bottom, cleaning out some old boxes, dishes, laundry, making beds, etc. All that's left is taking out garbage and vacuuming and that has to wait until our 2 yr old wakes from her nap. Anyway, I found an old photo cd and decided to see what pics were on it. Many shots were of our old apartment but most were of me in the hospital, giving birth, the baby with her daddy and nana and me, etc. I remembered these scenes, not with fondness but with disgust though. All the photos of our apartment showed a very messy place. Clutter, trash everywhere, things placed for convenience, etc. I was a very bad housekeeper and I know it. I was so huge that it hurt to stand at the sink and wash dishes. It hurt to try to run the vacuum cleaner, and forget picking something off the floor. I remember being very disgusted with myself at that time and afraid to leave the apartment because of the treatment I'd get from people oinking and mooing at me (yes, it happened, often). And the photos from me giving birth? Again, I was disgusted. I was over 400 lbs, and remember that I just wanted this thing out of me so I could start losing weight properly. I was disgusted that I even thought that about my child. Even today I cry thinking that I ever thought bad things about my sweet little angel. Back then, once she was born, I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't want to hold her, feed her, change her. I didn't want to listen to her crying when I was already so exhausted. I was afraid that my clumsiness would be fatal to her. I was so deep into depression and so heavy that I just wanted to die and let everyone else worry about her and let me rest for a change. But we survived. Even after crushing two vertebrae in my back when my little one was only 2 months old. Even after being told by my dr that she wouldn't put me in for an MRI because all I needed to do was to get my fat A$$ up and walk (yes, she said that, and no, after that visit, she was no longer my dr), even after trying to get an MRI and being too large even for the large, open version of it. We survived. I was finally sent in for the surgery because I was told it was lose the weight or possibly become completely paralyzed by my weight and the back problems. So I did it and now, 167 lbs later, I have a lot more energy. My house stays clean, my sweet toddler is happy and it shows. All those old photos show a messy house and a very, very large, very, very, unhappy woman. Today, I stand up from rinsing my mouth out in the sink and am surprised by the beautiful woman in the mirror. I sometimes don't recognize myself and when I do, I can't remember who that fat woman in all the photos is. It's weird. Even if I'm only losing 1 lb a week now, even if that stops and I'm "done" with the weight loss, I'm happy. I'm a success. I would do it all over again a million times for this new me. With love for you all, Tonya

Hey girly!!! While that was an "inspiring" story of overcoming obstacles, it was a sad story too. I so wish we could all learn to love ourselves no matter what the weight. We all matter, even if the scale says we are too heavy, we are still people who are loved!!! Your husband still loved you, and I'm sure your daughter did too. I have those pictures too, Tonya, and I used to look at them with disgust. Now I look at them as a beautiful time in my life. Having my babies was incredible, especially looking back. (I know what you are saying when you say the bonding was not immediate.) I was heavy too, but those are my battle wounds, only another mom could understand that. I want us all to look at ourselves in the mirror every day and know how darn special we are...........EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT, gain or lose or stay the same, we are still BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!! Sorry, guess I should've been a cheer leader!!! OXOXOXOXOOXOX Sharon

Both of you have very encouraging words of wisdom to say. Thank you for reminding us all to be very thankful for our personal journeys. Happy Birthday America, Susan

Your story touched me . It is a lot like my story . I find now when I look in the mirror I am looking at the true person I have always meant to be . I tend to look at my before pics and wonder .. who in the world is that .. ?? Knowing it is me .. but not sure how it was me .. how did it get that bad .. I was always one .. even at my highest weight .. over compensating for my Obestity .. I always thought if they could laugh with me they would not laugh at me .. I was wrong .. What is more wrong is the same people that I know laughed at me .. are now looking at me totally different .. and I basicly wrote them off .. I say all the time in my seminars that this surgery saves our lives in more ways than just in the health aspect . It saved my soul.. it saved who I am .. and it saved me from looking at the world as a harsh cruel place I did not want to go to . You are doing excellent .. and you should be so proud of how far you have come . Many hugs, Nat

Wow Tonya.... All I can say is that you have come a LONG way !!! You should be proud and NEVER EVER feel like a failure, girl !!! You have the drive and determination to take this where ever you want it to go !! We all have faith in you !! Wow...167lbs? Amazing !! Dana

Thanks for sharing. Cathy

Tonya~ What an inspiring story. I think it could be way too many of our strories... I identified with so much of it. My home used to be a show place, nothing was ever out of place..... with the past 8 years, I have gained about 60 pounds, things are less and less in order. I have piles everywhere, because I think it's easier to make a pile somewhere than to sort things out.... I so identified with your story. My surgery is 8 weeks from tomorrow, and I can't wait, for so many reasons. I want my house to be neater again, I used to love keeping the house....decorating..... I still do like it, but I don't have the energy I used to have to do it. I hate being fat, not just because of how it looks, but how it ZAPS all my energy to do things I want to do. Godspeed to all of us, no matter where we are in our journey Thanks for sharing your heart, I shed a tear for you and I.... God bless you! Michelle in NJ

Your eloquence is breathtaking, Tonya. Writing is your medium. Congratulations on your joyous transformation. I encourage you to use your gift for expression professionally one day. Lois