It has been awhile

Thank you Karla for teaching me how to post with my phone. So now that I am back online and lurking around the TMB for the past couple if weeks I have decided to reach out. It was actually Meggies post about her grief that has given me the courage to do this. As most know I am a very private person when it cones to the "bad stuff" in my life. I tend to pull away until things get better. This time I think I need help getting things better. So I was searching for answers on my own and all I have been hearing is silence. Not really silence but certainly not answers and I may never get them but I think that at least if I share my pain maybe some if it will go away. So I find myself here on the TMB after a long hiatus, ready to share with the people who have been there with me through most of my ups and a few of my downs probably one of the most painful things I have ever had to experience. Last month on Nov 3rd Jason and I found out we were pregnant. That was a Thursday. We went to my GO and confirmed I was indeed pregnant. I made an appt to see an OB the very next Tuesday. We were so excited. On Sunday while at work I started to experience some intense pain. Enough that I almost blacked out. Jason rushed me to the ER where they completed every test known to man, at least that is how it felt, only to tell me I would have to be admitted for observation until the OB on call could see me the next day. When I saw the OB he advised that he thought it was either I was going to miscarry or it was an ectopic pregnancy. He wanted to do some follow up tests a little later that week. I went in on Wed for bloodwork and Thursday for a sonogran. The doc at that time advised my hormone levels were normal but there was no sign of the baby in the womb. He wanted to make sure so we waited through the weekend when I went back on Monday he said we definitely had a problem. He gave me some choices and I picked the one best for me which was surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy and to look around at my tubes to see what shape they were in. When he went in he found the pregnancy had started to rupture causing damage to my tube so they took out the pregnancy and my right fallopian tube. This has hands done been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I know time will heal all but it hurts like Hell in this moment. I am still hopeful for the future but very sad over my loss. And yes I am doing better because I was able to type all this without crying. That's a first.

OK JENN-maybe you managed to TYPE it, without crying, but I sure didn't get thru READING it without crying. I got real excited, at first, but kinda figured the story wasn't going to have a happy ending, so I held my breath a little...

My heart breaks for you and Jason. I wish I had just the "right" words, but I don't. I know you loved that baby, as much as if he/she was already living in a room in your home..and this is a LOSS. I can share MY personal experience, from long, long ago-that still hurts, like yesterday, sometimes, but if it helps YOU, at all, it's worth me having to remember it. I lost a baby Feb 1, 1985. I truly thought that was "it" for me-my one and only chance. Obviously it wasn't-I went on to vaginally deliver two whopping, healthy babies, on one tube, a jacked up uterus and me weighing 300+ pounds. I say all this to give YOU hope-to know THIS hurt will lessen-you won't FORGET it, but it get out in it's proper "place", in time.

I love you, my lil Princess sister, and will ALWAYS be here for you!

Thank you Gina, This is the reason I chose to share here.  I saw all the encouraging words to Meggie and I knew it was "right".  Sometimes it makes things better just to know you are not alone.  This is such a lonely loss because most people don't even know it happened and the ones that do are usually hurting because it was a loss to them as well.  Just sharing your story has renewed my hope.  It really is true that to share the burden lessens it.  I am just so dang prideful that I don't always like to share my burdens.  Again, thank you.  Now I am crying. 

Hi Jenn,

Glad to see your beautiful smiling face on here once again.   You made me cry just now.   I am SO sorry for your and Jason's loss.   IMHO....that was a living baby and I wish I had answers as to why God blesses you with a baby and then something  happens and you lose it.    I can certainly feel your loss although I never lost a baby to pregnacy.....I can relate to the years of trying to get pregnant before we adopted my 2 sons and then God blessed us with our biological son.    All I know is...don't let this set back make you stop trying to have another baby.   I am a firm believer that God will give you the desire of your heart if you trust him.    You will be a AMAZING momma when it happens.   I love you lady and I wish you the VERY BEST in your life with Jason.    Watch the train tomorrow.   I will be having a anouncement on there.    Have a blessed day and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs and blessings ~~~ Vivian 

Thanks Vivian and congrats on your news.

So nice to see another family member !!!  I've missed you girl!!! I see you on FB all the time - but just don't reach out to those that I really don't know much....

I am soooooooooooo sorry for your loss.  As Vivian said -  this was a loss of a child.
My prayers and many many hugs are with you !!!  I just can't imagine what you are experiencing.

Just know that we are all here for you !!  

Thank you Phyllis!

Oh Jenn! I am so sorry. First off- YOU did nothing wrong. There is nothing you could have done or said to make things different. There were no pills or exercise or diet that you should have followed to have changed the course. Second- take time to let yourself heal, emotionally and physically. Don't bottle up your feelings, you have a RIGHT to feel all those things. Mad, Angry, Hurt, Disappointed, Sad....whatever your heart is feeling is the RIGHT feeling. Don't negate yourself that you aren't "allowed". Take time to grieve. Let your heart heal and your body will follow. Please know that the baby that you lost became an angel for God. YOUR baby, the one you will conceive and carry to term, is waiting in heaven still. The child you lost was God's child, created just for God. Someday, when the time is right you will have YOUR child.  

Someday when you are ready to try again call me and I will give you the names of the best doctors in the area (Fertility Specialists, Fetal Specialists and OB's). There are doctors that can help you concieve and help you carry to term. Your body has been through a lot but you are still able to have a happy healthy kiddo on your own. 

Love you Princess! 
Tracey  

Oh Tracey you always know just what to say.  I am angry,  hurt, sad,extremely disappointed and I feel so guilty for feeling this way.  So I of course try to bottle it up and pretend I am ok in true Jenn fashion.  My heart and my head are in the middle of a huge arguement.  My head says all the things like, You will be fine, you weren't trying anyway, there is still a chance you'll get pregnant again, It was just a fetus, there is always hope.  Then my heart gets involved and tells my head to go blankity blank itself because I want my baby back!  I know there will come a time where they both will be able to coexist but right night there is so much... I can't even find the words.  So that is why I chose to share here, and I am so glad I did.

Love you!

Again - huggsss.............Remember Jason is hurting too......LOVE him as you do and this is a special time to bring you two closer (can't imagine NOT doing this)  -but had to get it out there.

A loss of a child is great to a man too.......I had a co-worker who chose NOT to share he and his wife's pregnancy a few weeks ago back that lost their baby at 9mos, she was due in like 1 week.   Not sure all the details - but this was their 2nd loss during a LATE pregnancy - Its not importatant to you but I only tell you this because  He took off 3 weeks to be with her.    He still hasn't shared with us what happened nor do we even know he was pregnant so to speak.
but I only know because  boss shared with me because she knew I would step up to the plate at work and pick up the different from him not being there  AND was I asking for a day or two off during this period.....  
 
I know that I'm not that close to you - but if you have my cell# number - use it anytime - I have unlimited texts !!     I can always be a shoulder to hold you up  ( I am shorter)....  heheh 

LUV YA GIRL !!