Fat Acceptance, ...or not?

Hi Everyone, This topic was posted on another website that I belong too... And seeing this is a site full of 'overweight' people trying to become healthier, skinnier, or whatever your reason was to have this surgery. I was wondering what your thoughts were on this.... First Post: (This was NOT posted by me!) I have a few friends who talk about losing weight, constantly. They're always dieting and pilltaking and exercising and making themselves miserable because they think they're 'fat and ugly'. Yet, they have no problem with the way I look, and they never disparage other fat people specifically... The words that come out of their mouths when talking about fat in general, though, are derogatory. They're miserable that they can't lose all the weight they want in two days, and they honestly seem to feel that their weight is part of a measure of their self-worth. They protest that they want to lose weight to feel better and be healthier, etc., but the casual conversational words they use when they AREN'T talking specifically about dieting say something far different. "Fat = ugly, I'd be happy/pretty/handsome/healthy if I could only lose weight." Now, a little more toward the point. There are BBW and BHM, too, who fanatically resist the idea of losing weight, as if 'caving' to a more health-conscious lifestyle was traitorous to the cause of 'acceptance'. They scoff at people who make an effort to lose weight, no matter what their stated reasons are. I've read pages and pages of debate between the two camps; the fat people who are trying to lose weight and the fat people who say they shouldn't have to. I find it really interesting that there's not a whole lot of middle ground. Each camp says that they have the answer for the other, as if it were something that could be decided as clearly as that. I don't think happiness is the wrapper, folks; the ensuing battle for who's right is pointless. I think this relative lack of middle ground, plus a marked lack of enthusiasm for the traditional support-group atmosphere, is why our 'Getting Healthy' forum is the least-used on this board. It's also another reason that once the BBW or BHM label goes on, it further separates us socially from people with less (literal) baggage. Once you become a rabid dieter or fat acceptance advocate, other people tend to think that's your foremost focus. Hullo, conversational wedge. So which camp do you belong to? What's your philosophy on fat acceptance? How do you think about yourself, about others, in terms of 'fat'? If you think you're part of the middle ground, explain why.

Here's MY answer: Hmm Heather said I'd be a perfect person to respond to this post.... Of course, I was afraid of being bashed due to my reply but you know what **** it! Here it goes... ~~~~~~~~~~ I don't believe I belong in any of the camps that's listed above. Which can be confusing since I'm still fat, even after undergoing gastric bypass surgery. I'll be fat for a long time but I'm still viewed as 'different' because I went completely against what the 'BBW Community' would of done - I'm doing something about being FAT and uncomfortable at MY size. But you know? I had this surgery 4 months ago and I can't count on one hand how many times anyone in the 'BBW Community' has even so much as said "Wow! You're looking good!" or "Wow! Congrats on that loss!" Instead of any sort of positive feedback - I'm either ignored, not talked to, or getting bashed in the 'fat acceptance/BBW Community' because I finally realized I couldn't keep hiding behind my fat. Please keep in mind; I'm not asking for praise but if you were/are a friend - I don't know... I figured I'd of been treated the same has before especially seeing I'm still fat! So why is it that I'm treated differently? I don't understand! I've even gotten e-mails telling me I looked better before I lost the weight; even know I never asked for there opinion (which I know if your open about anything it entitles to people giving you any sort of feedback, whether it's good or bad), nor did I do this to be 'accepted' by anyone. I did this to be comfortable and healthy with myself. Although, my only regret is being so open about it but I figured its sort of like being an alcoholic - The more open you are, the easier it is to finally ask for help. So this leads us back to the whole 'fat acceptance' debate, again. I really think self-acceptance is more important though or even pretty close to the same thing. But you know... People that preach fat acceptance -- I don't know; sometimes rubs the wrong way with me because lets face it being fat isn't healthy! There's a billion studies telling you the same thing; it's a fact! Plus it doesn't help to know that America is the fattest country in the world (There's proven facts on that) and yet people are still preaching they want 'fat acceptance' even when half the world has gone fat happy or whatever you want to call it! However, No matter what shape, size, color, race... In my opinion, size acceptance is a demanding. To demand others accept you as you are, take it or leave it...you might as well be turning blue, holding your breath. And really, I have no time for a "take it or leave it" mentality. Some of the cruelest people on the earth have a "take it or leave it" mentality. They use their acceptance of themselves to hide behind, as they spout vulgar opinions and tactless thoughtless remarks in the vein of being "open, honest, and truthful". Mean spirited people will continue to harass the overweight, with or without any movement. Allowing yourself to be ostracized by your weight is just a convenience. Whether it is your weight, your shoes, your hair, your skin color, pick a mannerism, any mannerism.... mean spirited people will make fun of you, at one time in your life or another. Size acceptance doesn't need be a movement, but another manner or courtesy that is taught to our children. We need to teach them to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'. We even teach them to respect their elders; I really think you can add 'respect everyone, whether there fat or skinny' into that category also. All in all - My opinion would be after all I've been through... Just be YOU -- Be comfortable with yourself, love yourself, be the best you can be.... Or change the things you don't like because really no one is going to do it for you! Plus, there is no one to blame but you. I've learned the hard way if you try to blame others for the way you feel about yourself - It just starts eating you up inside, which is never a good thing. So screw 'fat acceptance' - just work on 'self acceptance' it's really the only thing thats important.

Katie, You are so right when you said 'self acceptance' is the most important. If one is truely not happy with theirself they will find only fake happiness. I for one had enough of fake happiness in my obese life. I want to live... truely live. Not for everyone else in our society that demands beauty and popularity from all but for my health and my peace of mind. I want to live healthy and longer for my family, friends, and myself. I painted that fake happiness all over myself so people would not see my pain or suffering I've dealt with in my life and for once I want to show the world the real me. MY SELF ACCEPTED ME. So to all those that complain "if I could only lose some weight, I'd be smarter, more attractive, or have a better life"... deal with it, change for the better or just plain love yourself for who you are and not for what others see you as. Tonya 7/01/04 -35

I completely agree with this Tonya! I, too, hide all the pain and suffering from everyone, even family! I never wanted to feel like I needed extra help because of my size, I also never wanted to make my weight a reason for not doing something either. It'll be intersting how things change for me, as more weight falls off..... but I'm ready! -Katie

"So screw 'fat acceptance' - just work on 'self acceptance' it's really the only thing thats important." Katie this last sentence of yours sums it all up so well. Bravo to your reply Greg

Here here, Greg! I couldnt agree more! Melanie

I agree with everyone. I am not a fat acceptance person. I have only been this fat since I was attacked and raped. The mental problems set in, and I withdrew from the worle. I even picked up the habit of smoking to not eat. Now I do both. I was in a state of denial. If I was slim and pretty, it could happen again. I didn't want someone to have that power over me. Now, I want the power to be who I really am inside. For years I couldn't love me, and if you can't love yourself, how can you love others. I had to accept ;me first. Now that I have started on this journey, the only thing standing in my way are the Dr.'s denying me what I want most. It has taken a lot of councelling to get to where I am now. Because of the attack in 6/81, I have been through a beautiful marriage/divorced. I couldn't deal with things. My husband started calling me fat when I weighed 130 #. I was no longer the 102 that he fell in love with. That is my goal to get back to the 130 bracket. I have 160 pounds to lose. I have gone thru a lot of surgeries for health reasons contributing from being obese. I carry the scars physically, mentally, and emotionally. But NO more, I want this surgery so bad, I can taste it. My friends have known me for almost 30 years. They have shared my pain going from thin to now, and still love me, but no family support. That's ok, I have God with me and that's my support. I accept people no matter what, been there done that. They are just human and God's creators. The is a Dr. out there for me. So I don't get upset when denied. I'm going for the record on denials. I didn't share what I just wrote for sympathy or anything else. I was in a safe area, now I want the freedom to do anything life has to offer. Kathy

Alrighty, sorry those posts are so long! Now I'm curious on what ya'll think, seeing were going to such a degree to be pretty much a different person. -Katie

Hey Girls......... I totally agree....if a person is thinking that having surgery or losing weight on their own will make them a prettier person or a smarter person then they have another thing coming. Some people were just either born with ignorance or raised by ignorant parents.There are some people in this world lucky enough to have never had a weight problem or obviousley never knew anyone with a weight problem and,for the most part,these are the type people that make fun of obese or fat people. But it's not just the fat that get made fun of....my boyfriend had a rough childhood growing up and was made fun of most of his life also but he has never been overweight(or even close to being overweight).He was made fun of because he has wore glasses all of his life and didn't wear the name brand clothes that all of the other kids around him wore.He still to this day worries what people think about him and worries if people are making fun of him or if people are talking about him.I have helped him some to not worry about the IGNORANCE of other people!!! I can remember some of the people I went to school with that made fun of me for being fat,you know the type that thought their **** didn't stink and they had the preppy little figures and anything they wanted.....Well I see some of those people today and they are worse off than I am.Some are strung out on drugs and have had so many kids that they can't get by. With all this being said I think like the old saying goes,"What goes around,comes around".I think if people want to raise their kids with such IGNORANCE as to be disrespectful to others in whatever way wheither it be make fun of THE FAT PERSON,or the person that has it a little less better than you do,then one day it will come back to them. I think I kinda got off the subject a little. I feel that we ALL should except each other and respect each other no matter our size,money situation or lifestyle. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL UNTIL YOU WALK IN MY SHOES Some people need to think about that!!!!! April

HAHAHA About people from 'high school' - I find it kinda funny the ones that were perfect size 2's all the sudden getting fat. I mean there not obese but there FAT. And they have the guts to wanna say HELLO to me in Wal-mart, ya know if they ran in to me or something.... Call me a ***** if you want - but I just say "Hi!" and keep on walkin, especially those that made of me. Although, I had an advantage in high school - I was partly deaf. So I didn't always hear the jokes, rumors, and rude comments but I always knew they were there. The joy of 2 face people! Or hell... the joy of karma biting them in the ass, now that there older! I can't wait till I get smaller!