Where did my will power go?

I recall being preop and swearing if my surgery is approved I will never eat this again... swearing once I have the surgery I will never eat this again.. swearing now I have had the surgery I will never eat this again.. Guess what I ate.. or eat... What happened? I am just over a year out and it started at the holidays last year. I blamed the holidays and swore after the holiday I would get back on track.. guess what, I haven't and now the holidays are quickly coming up again!! I want to be at my goal weight, but I haven't been able to say no to the bad foods! I BUY the bad foods! I eat the bad foods! I regret eating the bad foods! I dump and feel awful, but do it again. I over eat and hurt from feeling so stuffed, but I do it the next day again! Or even later that day! I have been under a lot of stress, but that's just an excuse to eat. I have been on pain meds for a bulging disc in my back and they do say they make you hungrier, but honestly I am always shoving something in my face so I am never hungry so that's just an excuse too. I get bored at work since business is slow and eat to pass the time (that's the really bad time for me). I would love to start attending meetings all the time, but between work, kids and location and lack of energy from poor eating and pain meds that make me tired I have made excuses for that too. Every Monday I say I will start fresh, do the 5 day pouch test (lately I have been feeling like I have a bottomless pit not a pouch) or do a liquid diet, but by Monday afternoon I have eaten something that is not allowed. How do I get back on track and stay there. I really want to! I feel so disappointed in myself that I haven't been saying NO! I do get in all my water, Vit's, calcium.

What do you do when you need to get back on the horse?

Thanks for all the advice.

Sher

Sher,
Take a deep breath, heck, take a couple. Remember, there are no bad foods, food is just food. We are the ones that hang our happiness, our fears, our anxieties, etc. on food. We ask a lot from food and if we're not careful, it gives us more than we asked for. Is there any way you can come to Dr. Livengood's group tomorrow night at the Center? I think it would help tremendously. It just so happens that the group is on Monday, but there is nothing magical about a Monday. You don't have to wait until Monday to start ANYthing, start now, tonight, drink your water, eat your protein, take a walk, plan your meals for tomorrow, make plans to attend support group tomorrow night at 6 PM at 2200 Murphy Ave. Go now and write it or enter it into your planner. Oh, and cut yourself some slack! You've admitted what's going on and now you're going to work on a plan.

You can do it!

Details on tonight's group.
Psychologist Led Support Group tonight
Positive Affirmations: How to Talk To Myself and Get the Results I Want
Time: 6:00 - 7:00 Location: Tace building classroom at 2200 Murphy Avenue This group is facilitated by Dr. Janice Livengood and consists of a formal educational presentation followed by a question and answer session. Dr. Livengood consistently provides tools you can use to help you delve deeper into your emotional attachment to food.

As I approach my two year point, I'm not going to lie. It never gets easier - maintenance is so hard and I have just lost 3 of the 5 lbs I've regained. But you CAN do it - mine isn't about vanity size 2 or anything, it's about me not wanting to go back to the diabetes meds or anything like that. You can do this and it starts with being accountable to yourself but also forgiving yourself. That was really hard to do at first but I've started doing that and it makes the mental aspect a bit more bearable.

Stay connected on the various forums on OH and seek support in person, too! You can and will do this!!

Talisha, I wish I could tell you that it gets easier.  Unfortunately, it gets harder.  Or at least that is what I am experiencing and seeing in other "normal" post ops.  Oh in the early days, we believe we will never touch that "bad food" again!  Or, that we will never be able to eat half a cup full of food.  Or, that we will never push the limits so we'll never dump.  Fallacy.  Just mythical.  Maybe its fantasy.  I am not sure the right term...  but if people are honest with you, and themselves...  the farther out we get and the more time the weight has been gone, temptation lures around each corner.  

I've gained 10 lbs in the past 2 months and my pants are so tight that I had to go up a size.  I knew what to do, I just kept putting it off til "tomorrow".  2 months later, I finally did something about it.  I got back to the basics....  but I decided that I would not diet.  Instead, I was going to take it meal by meal...  and at each present meal, I was going to make the best choice I possibly could given the place and situation.  So far I've lost 3 lbs, but more than just weight...  It makes me feel as if I am in control again. 

Feeling out of control brings feelings of failure, guilt, remorse, condemnation, "why did I do this?  Why can't I stop?"  But when you start the first step of standing up (you asked how we got back on the horse) out of our current situation/predicament, that is when we gain our balance and footing.  Then we feel strong and powerful enough to beat it.

Let the feelings of guilt go, they are not worth it.  And, let others take your hand to help you up. 

Hi Sher,

I highly support Pam's suggestion--I have been going to the Monday night support groups lead by Dr. Livengood since May and have not missed a session!    Heck, I was so inspired by her and Centennial that I officially got adopted by Dr. Houston!

Dr. L has a vast wealth of knowledge to share with us regarding issues we grapple with in post op life, like dealing with food addictions, negative self talk and how to overwrite that with positive affirmations, etc.   She's very supportive and understanding and after my first support group, I actually started seeing her for one on one therapy.  She's REALLY GOOD.

There are a lot of new post-ops in the Monday night group, but there are some of us that are farther out and dealing with life's challenges too.  Sometimes talking to people face to face about your struggles and understanding it's not just you--you're not alone is a huge help.  

Bonding with people sharing your struggles and discussing strategies for dealing with those challenges is a great first step to regaining your focus.

Unfortunately it seems like there's about 39 Mondays in August (okay, only 5 actually), so the next session isn't until September 13.  That will be an "open mic night," where any discussion goes.  So please join everyone--you will feel so relieved and inspired when you leave.

Some of us Monday Nighters are also starting a group to continue discussions between group meetings and to support each other, maybe help with accountability.  It's just now getting started, but if you'd like to join, click here.  Anyone can join this group, if they're interested.  The schedule for Monday night support groups is listed in the Events section.  

It is said time and time again that they don't do surgery on our brains, just our stomachs.  WLS is not a cure, it's simply a tool.  

It's very hard to reprogram ourselves to have healthy habits when our brains have grown accustomed over decades of life to telling us what it wants, which is usually awful stuff (that never tastes as good as we think it does anyway!).  

Life can get more challenging the further out from surgery you get.  Going to any support group regularly is a great tool to help you get on track.  Find one you like and GO-GO-GO!!!!

GOOD LUCK!  Now go drink your water!  
HUGS!!!
Denise