WOW!!!!
I am really overwhelmed with all of the SUPPORT that I have received. I am shocked to see how many individuals that my post has touched, pre-ops, those still in their WLS journey, and those that have met their goals, as well as, the post-plastics individuals as well. I knew that this is a touchy subject, because it is not the GOOD part of the journey and it is the BAD and UGLY part of our journey, but this is a SUPPORT group and this has proven just how SUPPORTIVE this group actually is. In some ways even though we have not personally met some of these individuals, we have not let that stop the overwhelming SUPPORT that the TN Forum provides one another and for that I THANK YOU ALL!!
Yes, I have been reading each and every one of your posts, tears have flowed, smiles have been formed, and even a chuckle of understanding has been muffled under my breath. Each and every one of you has touched on the multitude of feelings that have inundated my body lately, both physically and mentally. I have been exhausted by the good things and the bad things, not to mention looking at my own blessings that have come my way lately, to only wonder, “What is going to happen to take them away”, I am sure that is just due to the feeling that, I still believe that I am not deserving of anything good to happen to me. My past has really been to serve others and even my own relationship with the only actual blood family members: mother, brother, and grandmother have been completely conditional as to how I can serve them. I have been estranged from them for the past several years and some of you may remember around Christmas, I mentioned some individuals have come into my life that have not been around and I was having some difficulty with it, well it is my family. They did not even know that I had WLS and that I had lost as much as I have, they were actually spreading rumors around that they saw me and I have gained so much weight that I am now bigger than a house, FUNNY HUH when the actual opposite was true!!! I do not speak to them much, because I am not ready nor willing to go back there, but each time they call, my weight is the focus of the conversation, when are you going to get rid of that loose skin so you can look better, are you coming over so I can show my friends how good you look (like I am a prize or they had something to do with it), or you have gained any of that weight back, I sure hope you do not plan on gaining any of it back, do you?? These are just a few of the comments they are constantly making when I do speak to them, so I have really limited my contact since they have chosen to come back into my life since Christmas. Yes, there is a lot of history that I will not go into, but they have always been one to manipulate and use me, until I realized a couple of years ago, when I was actually holding pill bottles in my hand, called into work, sent my son to school and sat there praying to get the nerve up to end my life. I felt was not worthy and only a burden on all those around me, it was that day, that I realized that I WAS worth living and that my family should love me for who I WAS and not just as a condition as to what I can do for them. I have apparently overcome those feelings, but the AM I WORTHY part has come into play these past few weeks. YES, I know I am WORTHY of living and that my LIFE is worth living, but the VANITY of Plastics has really scared me. I know that plastics is NOT AT ALL Vanity, it is a medical issue when you have the amount of excess skin that a large weight loss leaves. I guess, I am really having issues with the WORTHINESS of the entire issue and the possibility of being THIN and actually like that of a
NORMAL
person, scares me to death. For once in my life, I will have a body that puts me at an even playing field as others around me and I will no longer have an excuse.
When someone mentioned the fact that we may have hidden behind our weight for many years, they hit the nail right on the head, I have hidden behind my weight and allowed it to be an excuse for why I did not do something or why I felt that I should be treated the way I have allowed others to treat me. I have done that for years in my career and those that I have worked with and for. I have found a tremendous amount of adversity at my job since I had WLS and my immediate supervisor has never understood my decision nor do they understand the discrimination that has been placed on overweight individuals in the public, since this is a form of discrimination that our society has actually just considered okay!!! Look at the recent proposal in
Mississippi
to fight obesity when some of their public elected officials tried to make it a law to not serve obese individuals in restaurants as a way to fight their obesity epidemic in their state. However, when it came out their excuse was we only did it to call attention to it, which is so sad, because it was okay to humiliate obese individuals to call attention to a problem that has a multitude of contributors to the obesity epidemic. There are task forces in every city to fight drugs and alcohol, but to mention or even hold a Walk to fight this epidemic is HUSH HUSH or an embarrassment. As many of you know I am in college and I will be in my 40’s when I actually graduate with my BS, but I plan on changing this attitude in our country and fight this epidemic, but lately I have really wondered can I do it or am I a FRAUD, will I fall on my face and fail, AM I REALLY WORTHY???
I know this is a lot of UGLY to share with you, but I believe that this is something that many of us feel deep down and if you have not already gone through it, chances are that you will experience this at some point in your weight-loss journey, maybe not exactly as I am experiencing it, but to some degree it will be similar. You have each provided me with the SUPPORT and WORDS OF WISDOM to help me overcome this UN-Worthiness feeling and look forward to the next phase in MY journey as I approach this next important era, the era of plastics and maintaining my weight, I know it will not be easy, but having each of you helps a tremendous amount. I thank each and every one of you as you have really been there and I know you will continue to be there as you see this journey is not JUST the weight-loss it is the plastics and the maintaining that is probably one of the hardest, but less talked about struggles that we must face. It is unfortunate, but once many individuals reach this stage or after the plastics, stage tend to shy away from the support groups, but I am finding that this is when I am needing it the most!! As Melinda stated, I too am a sufferer of OBESITY and I will always suffer with OBESITY, regardless as to what the scale says or the size of my clothes and thanks to your SUPPORT, I will have the strength to fight this on a daily basis, for that I am ETERNALLY THANKFUL!!
Love You ALL!!!
Shelia
Betsy
