Need help to deal with a new awareness

It was suggested that I take front and side view pictures of myself during my journey.  A few minutes ago I took my pics with my bathing suit on.  Boy, what a shock and I am loaded with disgusting feelings.  I look like a beached whale.  I know I am uncovering another layer of denial but I feel yuck.  I have two other photos taken  (1) in November at the Surgeon's office and **** weeks ago with different clothes on but I thought I looked slimmer.  Others at work said the same thing. My perception I feel maybe skewed also.  I have done some emotional healing work on my perception and what I feel.  I see myself from an entire different light with this set of pictures. If you can relate please let me know how you dealt with these set of feelings.  My old pattern of behavior would be to go and eat.  Right now I am just sitting with the feelings. Feeling really yuck.  (Glad I see the surgeon on 2/21 for a surgery date.) Sharon/Memphis

Okay, so you now have your "Before" pics. You haven't had your surgery yet. Put those pictures away and don't look at them again until you are at least 2 months post-op! Instead of looking at them and thinking "I look like a beached whale." Look at them and say, "I will never look like this again." When you pull those pictures out in the future, you will be able to see how far you have come. On the days that you feel fat even though you've lost 50, 75, or 100 pounds, you will pull out those pictures and really be able to see the changes in your body. Chin up sweetie. You haven't truly begun the journey yet. Think of it as standing in line for a ride at the amusement park. You have gone back and forth through all the rows and you are about to get on the actual ride. Hang on tight because it is more exciting than anything you have ever experienced before.

It may be hard to belive now but one day you will be thankful you took the pictures. I took some along the way and have found pictures and look at the difference and am astounded by the difference. I know in the beginning before surgery I refused to have my picture taken or even really " see" myself in the mirror because I was not happy with the reflection looking back at me. I think the pictures I made myself take on my journey motivated me.. although I waited some time before looking at them. As you lose weight if you are like me you may still see that image you saw of yourself before surgery but looking at photos puts it into perspective and you will see yourself shrinking little by little in the photo's. Soon you will realize the image in the mirror has changed and your views of yourself will change as well.

I am going to make a suggestion.  I make it based on EXPERIENCE.  If someone you trust took those pictures, take them again, NEKKID.  Yes, i am serious.  I wish to goodness that I had taken pre-surgery pics in the nude.  They can be tasteful, you can keep on some underwear and bra, but do it with no clothes on .  Here's the reason I wish I had done this...  I have naked pics taken from the plastic surgeon prior to my tummy tuck.  I have the current pictures.  They are on my profile, for all to see.  While I am not saying do it to show the world, I am saying it because I wish I could have all these pictures side by side... so I could see for myself...  Hon let me just say that right now, it is hard to see yourself.  Put that picture away (and the naked ones too if you choose to do that... after all, you wouldn't want to leave them on the coffee table!!! )  And in two months, retake the pictures... always do the same stances... frontal, side view. Maybe even a view that is half frontal/half side, like an angled...  I guarantee that in two months after surgery, you will cry like a baby.  You will see such a huge difference, it will grab hold of your heart and you will think OH MY GOD! THAT'S ME!  Look at how much I have lost!!!  Then, retake your picture every month.  I have almost 200 pictures of my weight loss journey...  and in a slideshow, you can see a thinner me each time...  they are all done by date, in date order.  This is from someone who never allowed my picture to be taken prior to surgery!  My mother doesn't have very many pics of me in her albums.  When you come to the end of your journey, and have met your goal, you will embrace the new thin YOU, and as you look at that picture that you just took today, you will not have those same feelings that you do right now.  You will not look in disgust.  Instead, you will just have this knowledge that it was once you, but that its not the way you look anymore....  I am so happy for you!  Your journey has just begun...  the emotional part...  its part of it...  you will be on the loser's bench soon.    There is so much to look forward to...  Its not always an easy journey.  But it IS a journey that will be worth it.

I called my angel support person and talked about my feelings, versus my hold behavior...hit the town and EAT.  I am glad that I can feel the pain today versus the alternative...still out there eating my guts out, not on this journey at all.  The suggestion about putting them away for a couple of months sounds really good.    I am not sure about taking a pic nekkid...at least not today.  It took me thinking for  a few months to actually take another picture.  Today the reaction I had to the picture has blown me away.  I guess I am seeing what my family has been seeing for years.  They always asked me "When are you going to loose your weight, you are still fat."  In my head I knew I was fat, but the feelings are very intense.   Now the suggestion about the amusement park line, I love.  Especially being in line.  That is such a good metaphore for me.  I have jumped thru hoops, to get here today, have health problems but they can be reversed with the WLS...and very fortunate that I don't have worse health problems.   I have no idea what I will look like when I melt or shrink, or better yet, shead my fat (or my cacoon of false security) but I am ready for this BUTTERFLY TO APPEAR. Thanks for all the input and support.  I was hoping I wasn't the only one feeling what I was feeling. Sharon/Memphis

When I used to get angry at someone in my family, I would go eat hot fudge cakes.  I would say "I'll show you.. ..."  But you know what, it hurt me.  It didn't hurt them when i ate.  Right when I was trying to lose the 10% overall body weight, to get approved for surgery, I had to say to myself, "Melinda, you have worked TOO hard...  Do not go eat that hot fudge cake..."  I even had to say it out loud... so I could hear it.  Talk yourself out of it.  If you want to go eat, then say "Hey, stop it right now!  You are not going to do that, because you have worked entirely too hard...  YOU WILL PROVE THEM WRONG!"  Give yourself a good talking to...  It really  does help to talk through those times of temptation.... and it also puts new habits in place.  You can do it!

These are normal feelings that you are having. So many people tell me they can tell a big difference in me, but to some degree, sometime I don't see it.  Cheryl

Hey sweetie Bug, you got some smart folks talk'n to ya. They know what they say. I know them, they've have walked in our shoes. I felt that away the other nite right before the O.Garden, couldn't find a top that suited me. Then came acrossed the one that had came through the group what a wonder thanks ya'll. Anyhoo. Just to look at yourself, keep tell'n yourself I'm a work in progress. If I don't keep say'n that I get so down, That I wanna a fudge bar or huge supper or something, I can't let myself become that person again.  I don't have time for that. But when you look in the Mirror and see this, that in your mind was gone, it is hard to except. We all know that feel'n and it really hurts hard. But that is why we are here. Hugs To all and Luv. Barb

I realized tonight, from listening to ya'll, my new family in my WLS surgery group, really understand, are not here to shame, blame or yell at me.  Boy, that feels really good.  I felt so disgusted at myself when reality hit yesterday, but after time talking to others and ya'll sharing, I have to say I am glad the awareness is now, versus another 100 lbs, medical problems I can't change, more yuck to deal with. I also can compare yesterday's feelings to when I had the awareness of this body is not just a vehicle to get around, that it is my body, I can learn to love my body despite what others have done to it.   That has taken many hours of hard work to come to those awarenesses. I just today I can say I am alive, aware, feelings, and hopeful for the miracles that are about to take place with my WLS.   Thanks for being a part of my "daily" journey and helping me face whatever my journey brings to me Sharon/Memphis