Eating crap lately... getting back on track

Well I cannot believe what I did Friday on the way home from work.  A vendor had brought a gob of stuff and filled up a desk drawer full of "baddies" (I mean, can I say "goodies" when they are bad for me? lol)  I told him NOT to tell me what was going in that drawer...  he asked why?  I said, "Because I am a recovering fatty."  One NSV Wow moment to insert here in the midst of my soul bearing confession...  He said, "NO you're not!'  I said, "Oh YES I am!"  But he just had to mention that he had Nestle crunches going in that drawer...   I began to salivate the rest of the afternoon...  So the drawer  kept calling my name REALLY REALLY LOUD.  "Melinda, come over here and look in this drawer." "Melinda, there's some good tasting stuff.  come see." "I have candy!  Come see..." Now I might mention that I have been on my period...  And ladies you know that means I wanted chocolate...  I had allowed myself a few Hershey kisses a couple of days which seemed to help my moodiness.  Tim said it wasn't as bad this month as it was LAST month, when I about drove him CRAZY! So I gave in and looked in the drawer.   I wish I hadn't.  I got a bag of peanut M&M's.  And can you believe I ate every single one of them?  I felt icky when I got home, but suprisingly enough, maybe I ate them slowly enough, but I did not get pukingly throw up sick or diarrhea.  I wish I had.  But I kept saying, "there aren't many in this bag.  I only have half a bag left, so I will eat two more."  Then I said, well I almost have eaten them all and I didnt get sick.  There are only 3 left.  So go ahead and eat them.  Well there were 5 left...  I didnt stop at the 3.  I ate them all.  Did I know it was wrong? YES.  I have never been so blatantly stupid or rebelloius since having my surgery as I was this day...  So since Friday I have seen a few places I have been lax in watching what I eat...  and I have been back on the wagon so to speak...  I tried to de-carb the house.  That really wasn't much luck.  We don't bring crap in.  Its OUTSIDE the house I get the crap.  So I made a resolve to do better, not just for me but for Tim too because he is having some high blood pressure issues.  His weight has gone up (since being with me because he eats my leftovers, which that has stopped because we box it up now and eat it the next day for supper).  We both have to watch our weight... him to lose and me to maintain.  Why am I sharing this?  Because I needed the accountability.  As long as I hide it, I can pretend it didn't happen and keep doing it.  But when I admit it, with people who KNOW that I shouldn't be doing it, I can watch my p's and q's, and do right again.  Make sense? And, I have always said that I wanted to be honest about my weight loss journey.  Maybe this will help someone (and it helps me before things get out of control).  Once I got my plastic surgery, and the hanging tummy was gone, I began to think, "I'm normal.  I'm not overweight anymore.  I can eat normal again." WRONG!  There are many temptations out there... and we work so hard to overcome them.  But psychologically I think something happens when we begin to accept ourselves as thinner, more normal, and don't see "fat me" in the mirror.  It's like "I've lost all this weight...  I've earned the right to eat something BAD for me."  Oh how dangerous.  I am scared, frightened, frantic that I will gain all the weight back.  I hear of too many who fall into potholes in the road and then end up failing.  I don't want this.... So thanks for listening to my rambling confession... 

Hey Melinda,   I think you did the right thing in posting what has been going on.  You're right, this will make you more accountable.  I think one of the keys to maintaining our success when we reach goal, is to continue getting the support we all so desperately need.  It seems a lot of successful losers drift away from the support group and don't get the knowing looks, the supportive questioning and even the pats on the back from those who have travelled the same path.  Life happens, and we all certainly know that we weren't living life to the fullest before, but we have to remember to make that extra time to be involved with getting and giving support.  We make time for church, exercising and whatever else we are led to do, so we need to make the time for this too.    Even though you've had a weak moment, congratulate yourself on how you handled your little stumble.  What would have done "before"?  Probably beaten yourself up over eating something that's not on your diet and then just given up and continued eating the "baddies".  Or gotten into the vicious cycle of eat, get depressed, eat cuz your depressed, then eat some more cuz your depressed that you continued to overindulge.  Just think of the tremendous amount of knowledge and growth you've attained throughout this journey.  You're doing great!  You are a fabulous inspiration to so many of us.  You've now inspired us to make ourselves accountable not only to ourselves, but to this wonderful group of LOSERS!!!   I also understand about doing it for Tim, too.  Rick has also put on weight since we've been together.  He is of the mind set of cleaning your plate and not being wasteful.  I've been trying to break him of this, but not with much success.  Eating out usually is not a problem, because I'll either get an appetizer or we will split something.  At home is another thing.  I think I'm just going to have to start putting even smaller portions on my plate, to prevent him from cleaning both of our plates!    Don't think of it as "I've lost all this weight, I've earned the right to eat something bad for me".  But think, "I've lost all this weight and worked so hard, I deserve to maintain my success".  Besides, were the m&m's really so delicious that it was worth all this upset!  lol  Probably not.  Next time you need a fix, take a few from the package and give them to someone else.  Or better yet, throw them away.  (Make sure  you dump the candy out of the package in a dirty trash can, you know how us foodies can be when we need a fix!!!!!)  lol   Sorry, so long, but just wanted to give you some encouagement.  Keep up the great work.  You are doing fabulously fantastic!!!!!   

This whole journey has been CHANGE after CHANGE...  and just when you get used to the "diet" or "lifestyle of eating", its time to CHANGE again!  At times its been hard.  When I got to maintenance stage, I gained weight back because of what the nutritionist told me!  So I had to decide what was right for me...  I have been successful at it... of course I discussed "my way" with Dr. Houston....  and he always knows whats going on.  But then when I got used to that, my gallbladder messed things all up for two and a half months...  and I could not eat my regular gastric friendly foods ...  had to further restrict my diet because it all made me sick (I had dumping syndrome affects just by eating nuts, lettuce, things that sugar isn't even in).  I had only dumped one time after gastric bypass which wasn't even my fault (insert Smoothie King story here... lol) but the gallbladder removal really messed me up really bad. Now the change I am going through is making myself half my meals so that I can eat again in a few hours...  I find that eating small meals more times a day (and I am not talking about grazing or snacking) is actually a better idea for my body.  I was trying to eat too much during my meals...  and it was NOT working.  The pouch still works!  It hasnt failed me yet!  Even at 13 mos postop...  even at times when I can eat a little more... but as a norm, I have to eat small meals.  For example, I ate one egg, 1/2 pc toast, and 1 bacon at breakfast this morning.  Then a few hours later, I had half a container of Fage with some granola in it.  I do best when I eat some chicken breast, save the rest of it, and then come back later to eat the remaining chicken breast.  the point I guess I'm making is that just when we have it figured out, something happens... whether its getting sick (gallbladder), reaching goal, exercising more and need more caloric intake, etc...  we will always have to switch it up and get into a new groove...  what doesn't change, I must remind myself, is the fact that I WILL NEVER BE NORMAL AGAIN.   This was for life.  I knew that when I made my decision to have surgery...  but how easy it is to forget...

Melinda,

It is very hard to resist temtation at times so you are very human and normal for having craving especially during your cycle. I have been on a carb frenzy the past few days so there you are not the only bad one around here. We just have to pick ourselves up and dust off our fannies and try again! : ) 

Can you keep some SF chocolate somewhere handy enough to help you overcome the temptation of that drawer but far enough away that it takes some effort to go get it? I find that knowing I have more healthy alternatives helps me overcome the temptation of other stuff. For example, our cafeteria always has fresh baked cookies on the dessert bar. As an alternative I keep a Myoplex high protein chocolate chip cookie in my desk stash. I only have one in the drawer and don't bring another unless I eat all of the one I have there. I also keep GOOD SF chocolate in another drawer. (Valor Dark Chocolate. Thank you Freddie!) Knowing I have these alternatives really helps me walk away from the cookie tray when I go to lunch. It would be so easy to pick up a cookie "for later" and tell myself I will only eat a small part of it. I figure if I get that cookie in my hand I'm gonna eat it so it's better to leave it alone. You are doing a wonderful job of dealing with your temptations. I know you don't see that right now but as Elena said, in the past you would not have thought twice about eating that bag of M&Ms. In fact, you probably wouldn't have stopped at just one small bag of the candy. I know I wouldn't! You are still in the learning mode with this surgery. Most people do not get to your stage as quickly as you have. Give yourself more time to re-learn years of how to relate to food.  Continue to measure your portions. Continue to journal. If you are eating out, ask for the takeout box when you order and put your uneaten portion in the box as soon as you are done. If you are eating at home, get up and put any uneaten food into the trash right away instead of letting it sit in front of you or Tim.  If I allow my husband to feel pressured into eating my leftovers, I am endangering his health. If I can get it out of his sight he doesn't feel required to clean my plate as well as his. Bill is actually getting to the point where he can leave food on his plate too so I guess we are both learning. Throwing away a small amount from a measured portion is not wasteful, eating more than you need is. That is something that I think we all have a hard time wrapping our heads around. You are keeping all of us accountable when you post of your own struggles. We need to be accountable to each other. Other people just don't understand what we deal with. I have had so many people make comments about me now being able to eat "anything". They don't understand that my "anything" will always have to be very well thought out.