Ponderisms/ Joke
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Women are so insensitive ... Dan returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Dan asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Nita, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Nita, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time. After this session, Jaunita rolls over & falls asleep. Dan, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Nita, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?" At this point Jaunita sits up and says, "Listen Dan, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
Top Ten Reasons Halloween Is Better Than Sex: 10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack. 9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some. 8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 7. Less guilt the morning after. 6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are. 5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. 3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again. 2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. > 1. You can do the whole neighborhood!
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About two hours.' The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About three hours.' The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and half.' The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.' A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?' Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'
