A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends
one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's
going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to
go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a
wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it
with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down
to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying
his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty
years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made
her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it
and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they
exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one
of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding
him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just
sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
mantel while he was licking his ass!"
A Redneck And His Dog
On a hot summer day, a cowboy redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck cowboy replies, "No way thet dog's in heat---she's cool because I got her tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be bred."
"No way", the redneck says, "Thet dog don't need bread and she ain't hungry, because I fed her beef jerky this morning."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "..........Holy Shit.......... what a ride".
Thanks for brightening my day!! 
LOL Im so glad to see your back !
You start my day off with a smile 
