Disgusted and nearing the end......

I can't do this.....I don't know how......I want so bad to stop eating. I don't even know why I do it and why I can't stop. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. Every day I start over and that is not moving ahead. I'm tired of trying and failing. I go to a support group and have gone for more than a year still I've had very little success. Time and time again I have failed. Sometimes I pray never to wake up because this life is not good for me. I have nothing. I live on disability. I fear never being able to get my life back. I'm too scared to make plans. I have attempted for more than three years to have surgery. At first it was I was too fat and needed to lose weight to be safe. I had insurance at the time and had been approved. The waiting for the weight lose and my health issues ended up leading to me losing my job so, no more insurance. I applied for help and still I wait. Currently my left leg has lymphadema in it. I have been unable to care for it. It will never be the same. I worry that it is going to be cut off. Most of the doctors I have been to ignore my weight. They pretend it and my leg don't exist. If I say anything it leads to me being let down because they can offer no help. I am always the fattest person in the room yet often I am invisible. Why is this so hard? Why can't I have a win even if its just a little. I am huge. I am at more than 500lbs.

{{{HUGZ}}} Keith I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time... I wish I could help your terrible feelings go away. Have you seen a counselor about these feelings? I know that it seems that he will not be able to change your situation, but he will be able to help in other ways.... do you have any insurance now? Are you seeing a doctor for weight loss? You are never a lost cause. There is always hope... even when it seems that you have reached the darkest hour... there is always hope. Keep banging on the doors... until someone listens and is able and willing to help. Good luck.

Keith, while we may have all not been in exactly the same situation as you are in, I really feel most of us can relate to feeling like failures at times in our lives. We have all had food issues, that's what brought us to the places we are today. I believe you will get your surgery...I have faith that it will happen for you. Right now, I am concerned with your wording..."nearing the end"...I don't want to jump to conclusions but if you are having thoughts of suicide, please seek immediate help. Please pick up the phone and call someone and please do it soon. You are not alone in this fight...so many of us have felt just this way...but you must dig deep within yourself and find the love of self to realize that you are worthy and that you deserve to be here...and keep fighting. Please seek help if you are having destructive thoughts...do not try and go it alone! I will keep you in my prayers and my thoughts, Keith. God Bless!

OMG.......Keith, please don't give up on anything. We all have a purpose and we all have a road that has been paved for us to get to our destinations. Believe it or not you have been winning. Every day you wake up you win another hand in the game of life. You just have to believe that. I am on disability as well and I am running trying to get back in the work force. Because I believe in myself when nobody else seems to. Continue to look to God and seek any professional help that you need. I am currently on a required diet following Medicare's rules and regulations I didn't think I could do another diet and get good results but in 2 weeks time I have lost approximately 10 lbs. So, I felt as if I could have done better but in a lighter perspective that's 10 actual pounds gone, from hard work and a lot of discipline towards foods and carbs. One pound equals 3,500 calories therefore, I have had a caloric deficit of about 35,000 calories in 2 weeks. That's a lot and I mean a lot, and it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do and I know that during my journey I will continue to come in contact with many, many temptations and hurdles that I will have to overcome, but I'm a survivor like you and all of the rest of us and I will succeed. Sorry for the soap opera but I just gotta let you know that you are not alone and somebody else knows......we all know! And before I go here is a great big angelic {{{{hug from me to you.}}}} Diane