I am so mad! Don't know what to do!

I have been researching this decision for years. This surgery is not something I am taking lightly or just woke up one day and decided to do! My best friend, who has been my best friend for 20 years, has been acting so supportive during this entire time and was almost as excited as me when I got my Dec. 11 surgery date. Well, about five minutes ago, I started getting e-mails from my out of town friends about the surgery and urging me not to do it. One of them accidentally, or not, who cares, replied with another email still at the bottom. It was from my best friend and it said to... "Please pray that Kym does not go through with this dangerous surgery. She is so at risk of death that I am afraid she will not come off the operating table. I have been reading and have discovered that most people have drastic personality changes so if we want to keep our sweet, docile, easy-going Kym, we have got to stop her. Don't tell her I said anything, just start really pressuring her. You all know her as well as I do and you know she will buckle and do what we want just like always. We have got to keep her safe!" Now, first of all, she told a couple of people that she knew I didn't want to know. Second, what the bleep? I am trying to look at it from a freaked out best friend perspective but I am having a very hard time with this. Is this woman even my friend? 20 years is a long time to be fooled but I am just so confused I don't know what to think! Have any of you had anything like this happen and most importantly, did your friendship survive? This woman is like my sister, I love her and don't want to lose her but I can't let her hurt me!

your friendship will survive... she's just scared of the unknown--oneof my bestfriend's was scared for me too....she never tried tot alk me out of it...BUT....she did tell me...she loved me just the way I was...didnt see me as her fat firend...etc. you can also tell her... that..IF..YOU DONT have it.....you could just was easliy die.... hang in there....PEER PRESSURE at this stage in life...well...... just remember...it's YOUR choice...

i got the feeling from a few family and friends ( although most were so supportive ) that they were apprehensive about me getting this surgery because it might change my role as the "fat girl" in there life, and what that might mean to them... i am sure that your friendship will make it through this though! Hugs, Jacqueline

Kym, I know this is hurtful to you. Confront her and tell her so. And then move on. Once she sees that you made it thru ok, she will change. And assure her that your personality WILL probably change because you will be happier and less inhibited. Alot of people are afraid that their friends will change so much that they will no longer need them. Just include her in your future. But make it clear to her that you do not appreciate her underminding your decision and removing any support you may have had. And that NO, all the pressure in the world is not going to change your mind. If she still behaves this way, then maybe you DO need a new friend. Also, does this friend have weight issues? There could be some jealousy there. There could also be some fear of judgement there. She may feel like if you get thin then all the focus will be on her. Don't let it eat on you. Deal with it and move on. Make it clear to this friend what your desires are and what you believe friendship is and also make it clear to all the people she emailed. This is YOUR life and you and your sweet hubby know what you are getting into. Good luck hon, Paula

Kym, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I think your friend's problems revolve around their lack of education and knowledge of the surgery...both the physical and the mental aspects of it. True, a lot of people change not only physically but emotionally and mentally. But it is not always for the negative. My personality has flourished. I'm more outgoing... not as shy and timid as I once was. For the first time, I love ME... I love my personality and I love my body (saggy skin and all lol)! If you ask me, your friends are being pretty shelfish... wanting to keep you the way you are, and in my opinion, probably for their own personal gain. I say this because, to me, it sounds like your friends may have taken advantage of you in the past. The words "docile" and "buckle under pressure" and "do what we want just like always" used by your friends points in that direction. I would be pretty pissed off too. I would really have to re-evaluate my friendships with these people. I know it will be hard, especially the length of time spent as friends. It may be harder down the road too when they see you losing weight and feeling so much better and they become jealous or resentful of it... especially if they too have weight issues. Don't let them change your mind!! April

Well - strange you are mentioning this, but just today I noticed that I have 2 very close friends who are not being very supportive of my decision for the surgery. I am in the 6 month supervised diet and exercise stage so I am nowhere close to your progression --- but it is just weird to have that feeling of your "friends" being against you. I have one friend who is jealous because her insurance doesn't cover it and I have another who basically looks at the idea of gastric bypass surgery as an "easy way out". It bothers me, but to the point that I want to show them that it's about how I want to have an active lifestyle and in this body I just can't do it. So - my advice is don't worry about it. ~Amber~

Kym, I think that people feel insecure and uncomfortable with someone wanting to change their life. I know from experience that fat people always seem to have to be really nice, docile, funny, and giving because they think that is what makes others accept them and love them. When this idea is challenged it bothers people. I think your friend is being very selfish and immature about something that you did not go into lightly. Janie

Hey guys, thanks for letting me vent and giving me such great advice and support! Paula, you are right about her having weight issues...but they are the opposite of mine for the most part. She has always been super skinny and has battled anorexia off and on her entire life. This past year or so, she has gained a lot of weight but she has lost most of it in the past two months by using diet pills. Now she is nearly as small as she was in high school. I think that is part of it...she has always been the thin pretty one with the fat friend and I think it scares her to not have that advantage. Also, April, you are right as well...I have always been the one to be taken advantage of by my friends. I have been working on that a lot in the past couple of years and my friends have noticed and I don't think they like it. But I guess this will be a true test of my friendships...I have thought a lot about it today and I am going to stand my ground. I have decided to get everyone together and talk to the group as a whole during T-giving weekend and make them understand why I have chosen this route. Thanks again for everyone's input! I am feeling much more confident now!

Kym, I am so sorry that you had to deal with this. I assure you that almost every one of us has at least 1 "friend" that does not want us to go through with WLS and tries to stop us. I would not count this person as a friend in any way, shape or form. I would, actually, be wont to question if she had ever had anything other than using me on her mind -- "docile"???? I have NEVER been considered docile by anyone, but honestly, it's because if someone referred to me as "docile" I would kick the living *@&$ out of them. DOCILE??? That is what you call a dog that obeys your every command. I think the other friend did you a huge favor letting you see that email. I certainly think that many people who ask us not to have WLS are simply uninformed and concerned about our well-being. I do not get offended at people who think WLS is the "easy way out" (for me, it was VERY easy!), and those people who tell me "oh, Joanna, you don't need to lose anymore, you will look sickly" do not earn my ire, as I know that they really do have (what they think is) my best interest at heart. However, anyone who calls you "docile" and does not want to lose the "docile" friend is someone who has been taking advantage of your kindness for far too long. My advice -- write her off and sever all ties. Easier for both of you in the long run. --joanna

Thanks Joanna! I had a chance to ask her about her crap just a while ago and she actually acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Then she broke down crying and admitted that as long as I was around, she was always the pretty one and she is scared of what it will be like if I am not her fat friend anymore. I finally stood up for myself and told her that she was the one with a problem and she could either embrace the changes and be a true friend or our 20 year run was over. I have never done that before in my life and I feel so empowered! It helps to read replies such as yours and know that I am doing the right thing. I told her I would give her 'til tomorrow to wrap her mind around what I said, but I think the fact that I had to do that gives me my answer. It's just sad...