I've failed my child

My beautiful eleven year old daughter is very obese. She gets it the honest way from her father and I, who are of course obese as well. Hubby and I both were obese as children, but not to the degree of our daughter. Dad has had the lap band and I am currently in the WLS battle. We've been to nutritionist since she was five. The latest attempt was a hospital program child oriented involving diet exercise etc. We had the usual results temporary wt loss. Dgt is at the point she doesn't want to try. We went to Psych and the DR said to take a break from dieting to decrease stress on her....... let me tell you that was like dropping the green flag in nascar, she was off and eating, now shes gained even more. Dad cant deal constantly yelling at her about eating, shes crying. I try the more book smart psych way and shes just not buying it any more. She absolutely refuses to exercise. ( yes I'm aware I'm rambling)  So shes depressed I'm depressed dads depressed. So what will it take, if anything can to re-motivate this family. P.S. so far the only abn blood work slightly elevated cholesterol all other test EKG etc normal, Praise God!) Peace to you all, Dawn

Hi Dawn,
If you have failed, then consider yourself in good company. Why? Because 1 in 5 kids are just like yours. So are the parents really to blame? If so, why would parents of this era rather than 30 years ago be any more likely to not take good care of their kids? I don't buy it. I think sure, maybe some parenting attitudes are different, and maybe somebody will point to change in the incidence of breastfeeding and such, but I don't think this or other parenting issues can account for what has been an enormous rise (3 fold!) in childhood obesity.

So, let's not blame you or the rest of the parents out there that are witnessing the same thing just yet. But even if the problem is not entirely in the home (and again, it isn't!), let's realize that what we have the most control over is in the home. So maybe the home life and nutritional aspect of the homelife and the activities that the family can do together can be the focus to turn around childhood weight problems. Your husband has a leg up b/c he will learn alot about good nutrition along the way. You too I suspect are getting a good foundation too with your journey. Key question becomes what part of the country are you in and what sorts of programs may be nearby for your daughter to learn principles of a healthy diet, activity, and living in a structured way. It doesn't necessarily have to be a "weight management" program, and it doesn't necessarily need to be an obesity "boot-camp," but depending on the severity of her weight problem and the effects the weight is having on her health, you might be looking for more of a clinical rather than just an educational/fun program.

Warmest regards,

Hi Dawn,

I also feel I failed my kids as well. It is so frustrating to see them following our footsteps. I don't want them to be obese like myself. My son is 14 he is very short for his age he was 140 lbs and my daughter she is 11 she is almost as tall as her brother she weighs 130 lbs. I took them to this clinic at children's hospital of Milwaukee, WI. It was called the NEW kids program. It stood for Nutrition, Exercise and Weight management. They were upset that my kids would kept gaining weight in there program. And after a year they boot us out of the program because we had no progress with the weight. There goal is to have the kids not necessary lose weight but more maintain there weight. Some days I would leave there crying as the psychologist there was so blunt with me. And he put the blame on me. It is so hard to control what your kids eat or not eat. I can keep all the junk food out of the house which I do. They will sneak even the healthy food and just indulge. My son he only eats few types of foods. And will not eat and fruit and vegetables at all. My daughter she will eat some fruits and vegetables. She is always hungry. Both of my kids are on meds for bipolar disorder which contribute to there appetite and weight gain. Also my son has hypothyroid from the lithium he does take and takes meds to control his thyroid. He takes seroquel as well which really boost the appetite. My daughter we took off it and still have not seen her weight come down and it has been over 6 months now. I do not have soda in the house anymore and also only have skim milk in the house and send that with them with there lunch I do pack for them. My son is in after school tae kwon do and his sister just joined. He has already got his green belt. He also likes to play sports and plays basketball when the weather is nice. It is hard to keep them active in the winter time but they are more active outside once the warm spring weather is here but they still don't lose weight. And it frustrates me. My son in the last month put on 5 lbs that is alot of weight in one time. They both carry there weight alot in there bellies. And it is so hard to find clothes for them. They are in xtra large in adult clothes already. And they are not kid friendly. They want to have clothes in the kids department but can't because of there weight and size. I feel like a bad mother at times because I can't help them lose the weight  I hope my wls surgery will show them how it is important to take care of there weight now so they don't need the wls later in life. I don't want them to go thru what I have since my teen years and now I am mom of 2, married for 22 yrs and 44 yrs old. And I am morbid obese. They are consider to be obese for the size and weight.

Oh Robin I wish I could give you a big hug! xxxxxxxx!!!!! We are in the same boat.  My daughter is morbidly obese as well. Do ppl actually think we don't care about our kids so we LET them  get obese. I worry everyday about what is happening to my daughters body. I just keep trying to fight the battle. Lately she has started asking questions showing interest in exercising again such as walking at the park and playing. I'm obviously no expert but I've decided not to sugar coat anything about  her being overweight. for example she asked me last night if her face looked fat, and usually I would avoid it by saying you are so beautiful who cares or something to that effect because I didn't want to hurt her feeling and sometimes I would just be to tired to deal with hurt feelings honesty can cause. So when she asked me that I said yes it does. and I told her that I'm only telling her because I want to be honest with her and the only way that its going to change is if we work together but mommy cant do it all for her. We have been going to the park which is beside the dog park we've been taking our new puppy and walking around and then playing on the playground part. well shes been wanting to skip the walking part (which is about 1/2 mile) and only wanting to do playground stuff claiming that should be enough. so of course we've had to discuss it to the10th degree. That's also a big battle due to the obesity any kind of activity prolonged sucks as we know so getting her to do it is a battle. So this is my latest attempt to help her and myself. I'm trying to feel positive but our track record scares me. please stay in touch Robin maybe we can help each other. I hope you get this soon I know something is going on with the email not notifying ppl of their responses. Take care, Dawn.

Hello, I know that this is a really old post, and normally I wouldn't reply because of the age of this, but I feel so strongly about this that I needed to. As someone who has gone through, IS going through, the same situation as your daughter, I can tell you that you will be dealing with severe consequences of this in a few years; not necessarily weight wise, but psychologically.

I read that you have battled your weight too, so you probably know firsthand the astouding amount of image issues that comes with being obese. With me, it has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I have a family that has done nothing since I've become overweight/obese[since I was 7, I'm 19 now] but harp at me, pick at me. I've been told that I'm fat, that no boy is ever going to want to be with me, that I look stupid because of the clothes I'm wearing because I'm so fat. I feel at this point in my life that everything, in either a direct or indirect way, has been about my weight for over 10 years. I'm just starting to realize this now, but my life has been ruled by this, and been ruined by it.

I suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. It's partly due to my own horrible self image because of my weight, but the bigger part of it is because I've been put down by my own family members for so many years because of my weight. I think they probably all thought they were trying to help; "tough love" me into losing weight. What they didn't realize was that it had the reverse effect. There are days when getting out of bed is a monumental task, because I simply don't know if I can face another day being me because  I dislike myself SO much. Socially, I can't even tell you...I don't want to leave the house, I feel like I don't even know how to act around people becaues I feel really like...awkward. I went to the movies with my friend from work last night and we barely spoke because I felt like he would hate me if I said something stupid. Looking back, he obviously wouldn't because he asked me, but you see the vicious cycle.

I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have rambled like that. It's not like you would or shoudl care about any of that. I'm just saying that I can tell you love your daughter and want to do right by her. But tough love doesn't always work, and sometimes it can do a lot of harm. Best wishes and prayers to you all...I hope that she never has to deal with any of these things and that she loves herself at any weight.

Dawn - I feel for your pain, my daughter is now 18 and heading to college soon, but in the last 3 years has ballooned to over 200 lbs.... It's tough when they are young, but hell when they are teenagers.  Kids can be mean, but teens get depressed.  I've been lucky in having a very strong willed, independent thinker for a kiddo *****alizes shes to blame for being where she is.  She hates exercise and nothing we've tried has changed that much....  

I only have a few thoughts regarding exercise for a younger kiddo - have you tried some 'fun' activities like roller skating, or playing games on the Wii as a family?  Maybe bike riding, going fishing or bowling is an option?  Most cities have youth legues and they will get a surprising amount of exercise doing it.

As for food - have you figured out if she has a trigger food, such as being a carb addict or something else?   Try taking all processed carbs out of your meals at home - you can control that and have only fresh veggies, protein and fruits for deserts.  Make dinner a family affair where everyone has to pitch in and contribute.  Perhaps if she helps make dinner, she'll be more invested in eating it and take pride in having contributed to something.

With everyone being on top of her, yelling and focusing on the food - it may actually push her to eat more as a comfort...   Just my two cents worth.

Hope some of these ideas can be helpful - it's not easy and will require change for everyone.  We've done these ourselves and my daughter gets irritated because she doesn't like what we have for dinner now (a lot of fish, grilled chicken and veggies), but I keep other things around like sandwich meat too...  She can pick what she wants to eat, but it somewhat limited in caloric intake because her options are limited.

Either way, I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and wish you well battling them.  Good luck!

I was your daughter 12 years ago.  I don't feel like my parents failed me, they both have weight issues of their own.  I feel like the worst thing they ever did for me was what your husband is doing, yelling at her about food, that's the worst thing you could do the her mentally.  Because believe me, when she gets old enough to drive and get her own food, she will REBEL against you hard core.  Thats what I did, as soon as I went to college and could eat what I wanted, I gained 150lbs.  I had GBS 3 weeks after I turned 20 and it was the best thing I ever did.  You need to keep her in a program, but I am telling you, do not stress her out about it.  Don't buy junk, she wont eat it.

Thank you for the insight. She told me tonight that she is a happy chubby girl and fits in good with her friends and that she is fine the way she is. I am fine with that, as I've always told her that is what is important to me for her.  I'm still working on the DH part as in I've told him to shut the f up and get off her back. That's always been my claim that she is full aware of her weight condition and she doesn't need him in her face reminding/yelling etc. Again thank you.

 My dad had a RNY in 2002, right after we moved across the country. I had always been chubby, but the year after the moved I gained 100ib. My dad became the food police and it threw me into a deep depression. Don't let him bully her, I was happy until my weight became a constant source of arguments. My dad and I still have a rough relationship, especially now that I am considering weight loss surgery myself(it may also have to do with the fact that i'm 19 and our relationship is supposed to be changing into an "adult" one:)) Bottom line, most overweight teenagers know that they are overweight, and talking about it doesn't help. Listen and be there for her, and come up with weight loss game plans like exercising together, or eating healthy as a family. hope that helps. -sky

I agree with everyone else.
DO NOT let your husband talk down to her just because of her weight.
my dad does it to me, and ALL it does is discourages her.
It won't accomplish anything.