What have I done to my child? - Looking or YOUR perspective

It is so interesting to hear these stories, understanding that there are so many of us parents that battle such similar situations with our children. I often wonder, if it is not partly my own sympathies of pain, knowing how hard it is for my daughter struggling with the emotional issues of obesity, that my sympathetic behavior of wanting to protect her from name calling, protect her from pain, is also partly to blame for becoming an enabler. Society does not accept fat, those are the facts! It hurts big time and we know how painful it is to be ridiculed, shunned, and treated as if our lives on this earth has no purpose, no value, no worth. The worst part of it all, we usually do buy into it and believe it to be true of ourselves. Buying into this big "FAT" lie, usually also plays a very detrimental role on the choices we make as children, teens and adults, often those choices being destructive both physically and emotionally. I will say this a thousand times and over again and over again, God does not make ugly, people do! There are so many ugly people walking this earth right now that have a perfect body, perfectly beautiful face per societies standards, but they are bodies with a very ugly soul! We as parents that have experienced the pains of obesity, perhaps have a tendency to over shelter and protect. We want our children to know and understand they are so beautiful, regardless of what others say. We love them and know their value and worth, just as God values all of us, as we are! If we could only embrace who we are, love ourselves with acceptance, we are smart, we are kind, we are giving, we are good people! We are gifted, we are talented, we do have much to offer and much to contribute in our lives, regardless of our sizes! Maybe just maybe, if we understood who we were, embraced ourselves with love, we may find we care enough about ourselves to start making better choices because we finally believe we are worthy of being our best. Part of the problem is ... where is the help in discovery? The media is loud to announce that childhood obesity is at an all time high and the major health risks are increasingly high! Our government is quick to put up web sites on obesity, causes of obesity, the food pyramids, talk on health and nutrition... all good stuff! But where is the help for the kids? Where are the support groups and weight loss centers designed specifically for children, teaching them not only good nutrition, but teaching them how to love themselves, accept themselves, embrace themselves regardless? Weight Loss surgery or not, we still need to learn how to take steps to change our lifestyles, how to start seeing our beauty from the inside out! Perhaps by actually changing our eating behaviors, our purchasing behaviors, our cooking behaviors, we wont bring the junk into the house, creating the temptation and learning that saying NO, is really a good choice for a parent to make. Even that process of saying No, is something that we struggle with, because we don't want to our children to think their size matters in regards to their value! They are priceless, just as we all are, but we may be showing them they matter more to us by showing them that we care about their health. Maybe it is time for us parents to start a support group of our own, together learning how to help our children by learning how to love them in a healthy way ... because we do love them so very much! If you are interested in doing so, shoot me an email and let us begin! Many Blessings! Joie

Thank you Joie! I completely agree that there need to be more resources or our children stuggling with this issue. Websites are fine, but where is the action oriented programs? Where is the interaction? I have read others who went to "fat camp" and say it was a great experience, but what am I saying to my child if I send her there?  I want a positive message about the inner self along with support for the habits that have developed in her short little life.  She is 10 today (happy birthday baby) and it is such a horrible time to have questions of self worth and value based on societal determinations.  I am all for a support group of parents with obese children.  I want to be the parent she needs. I want to learn how to be that person.  Let me know what I can do to help- I need to talk to other parents going through the same situation.  Now that my weight is under control - I see the difference it makes in how I am perceived.  I don't want her to accept the shame that comes with obesity.  She is a phenominal young woman and she should be respected - no matter what her size-as the person I see; smart, funny, compassionate, and powerful in this world.  Thanks for your response and I look forward to talking more.  Happy Holidays -  Shelley

Shelly, please visit my  personal web page, MY WEB PAGE, find the navigation bar titled Children of Obesity. If you send me an email requesting an invitation, I will send one. You were the inspiration for creating this wiki and perhaps you and I together can build a great network of parents wanting to help each other, help our children. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm late replying, but wanted to give my little 2 cents. I am not a teen anymore, but I was just checking out the different forums.  My mom apologizes to me for allowing me to  gain weight as a young child. I ate what was bought and what she fixed. I ate when she ate. Your daughter will love you for eveything that she doesnt like now that you are trying to do. I say do what you have to, to help her avoid going thru what many teens are going thru...what i went thru. I was reading my journal from 4th grade and started to cry because I read what I wrote. I said I didnt want to live anymore. I was called fat daily and it was to the point where no one wanted to be my friend. I actually thought about ways to kill myself. I was also called black (by black kids but I am dark skinned) and ugly. So i was always teased for being the fat, black, and ugly girl! As time went on I learned to accept being dark skinned. So do what you can now for her. She will appreciate it later. I know I would have. -Tamika

Shelley,   I am a mom of an over weight son. He is 14, 5'6 and weighs 235 pounds but was at 241 lbs. I try so hard to make him eat healthy. He has battled his weight a long time. He was a big baby, and cute chubby little boy and now he is a very overweight teenager. It is especially hard with a teenager to monitor everything they put in their mouths. He is very popular so he is at friends houses a lot and how do I monitor him there? He has played baseball and football since he was 4 and 5 yrs. old. He recently joined wrestling and has dropped some weight from that (God Bless his coach, he works him hard). When he used to have to lose weight to make his football weight (there was a limit of 138lbs), he could and would diet and lose the weight (we went trough this every season for 6 years). Now there is no weight limit. It is very hard to make him make good food choices and it doesn't help that I work many different hours so he is left to fend for himself. Convenient foods are the worst for overweight people yet the best solution for a 14 yr old boy who has no desire to cook for himself. He would rather eat a sandwich for dinner than cook any real food. I feel as if I am to blame for many of his weight issues too as I usually give in to his requests since I feel so bad about not being htere enough for him. He also has a lot of emotional issues resulting from his biological father being pretty much non existant in his life and I never forced him to go to counseling to deal with that. He is very popular as I said but I have heard his "friends" say mean things to him about his size. If you can stop your daughter from suffering the pain of this problem,do it now. It may be too late one day and then you really feel lost as to what to do. Good luck and if she hates you for a little while she will love you in the long run.

I am 48 now and had surgery a little over a year ago...I was always the fattest kid in school and back then there was only one or two FAT kids in the school, so I was one of them...I was teased every day of my life...even when I tried to do heavy things and diet and exercise I was teased for the way I looked trying to do those things.... My mom tried to help but I resented her for it and don't think anything would have changed that feeling... I felt so hopeless even at that age...I WANTED to be normal but the eating was out of control, even now after surgery I am still that fat little girl wanting more food...I am addicted to it...Once I take that first bite, look out I can't stop.. I do have a better control over it now that I see a difference in my weight...But dieting and eating right as a child and as an adult before surgery the pain and deprivation was not worth it...Take the food away and a pound here and there was not enough...Food was my best friend...I assume inside your daughter feels that comfort from food and the guilt afterward... I don't know what my mom could have done to make it any different...You are going to have to face her resentment and even hate of you on some days when you try to help her and just keep going, knowing that it will be a lot easier for her now than after a lifetime of being fat and having bad habits....I often thought to myself when I was an adult that it was my mom's fault for not doing more when I was younger...But I am not sure what more she could have done...The more she talked about me being fat the more I wanted to eat....You daughter may need someone other than family to be ger friend and get her through this... A kindred spirt, someone she doesn't have to feel ashamed with when she talks about what people say to her and someone she can vent about home things without them telling you....Someone to listen that has been through the struggle... Not sure where you would find that person...Maybe a fat camp. I used to wish my mom would send me to one (not that I would have ever said that outloud) Just to be away and do it on my own with strangers.... I don't know if this helps at all but it has been very helpful to me...exercised a few of my demons....LOL....Hope you can find something useful in the ramblings! Good luck.

I can tell you right now. I am a 13 yo girl who weighs 170 lbs. Sometimes I wish my parents would've told me when to stop, how much to take, etc. But I realized, they only cared about me and didn't want to hurt my feelings. When I was about 11, I remember going to a physical and when they told me I was 130 lbs., it really hit me that I needed to lose the weight. My dad wants me to eat less, and my mom wants me to excersize. We've tried, like, every diet out there and the only one that actually worked was the Atkins diet. I lost about 15 lbs, but what happened was we had to go to Saint Louis for a family event, and everything was carbs and I had to  eat something! I lost my will power then diets didn't work. I just wish my parents would've told me when I was younger about what could happen if I continued eating the way I did. My opinion, from a kids eye view, tell your kid about what happened with you and how the only reason you're telling her it is because you care. Do it in private though, or else it gets extremely embarrassing and she may start to cry. Make sure she understands that she's not going on a diet or anything, she just needs to watch what she eats. Also, something my mom used to do with me was take me shopping. We wouldn't spend anything, and if we did, it wasn't a lot. What we would do is instead of taking the escalator, use the stairs. We'd get a decently far parking spot. We would take paper and pens and go all around the mall to look for stuff we like. We'd write it down. Then, we'd take the list and rearrange it and we'd HAVE to go in order. So a week later, we'd be running around the mall debating what to get. It took a long while, but it was fun AND kept me away from computer, TV, video games, etc. Something else I'd recommend is Wii Fit.

I am 15 years of age and I have been overweight since he age of 4. My parents were always trying to get me active and i actually was. I play[ed] basketball all throught elementary school and wasn't half bad. When my parents got on me about my weight i liked to shut them out. I always ate or didn't eat, did or didn't do what i wanted when i wanted. I thought everyone was just exaggerating about my weight and before i knew it, my weight had balooned and i was more than 100 pounds overweight by the age of 11. Although the parental "nagging" annoyed me to no end, it sank in. Unfortunately it sank a little too late. Just now, at the age of fifteen, am i getting serious about my weight loss. I only wish i would have listened to all the positive influences in my life. Now I know why they "bugged" me all the time. I NEEDED them to be my savior and scream at me and MAKE me listen but i refused to let them. Now I only wish i could do it all over. I know i would be a lot happier and although my family was trying, i NEEDED them to try harder. Please realize that even though she may resent your restrictions now, you can be her savior. She needs you more than you or she knows. Hope this helped.

-Evan