What have I done to my child? - Looking or YOUR perspective

I have a soon-to-be 10 year old that I love dearly who stuggles with her weight and her relationship with food.  I take responsiblity for setting pour examples in her lifetime as I was an emotional eater and had a very sick relationship with food pre-surgery.  Despite my efforts to shield her from my experience as a child (my first liquid diet was in 3rd grade and they just kept going thereafter)... I feel I have failed her.   I see her desire to eat and how angry she gets when she is told "no more" and I see myself a year ago - feeding the boredom, the frustrations, the excitement, the saddness, whatever reason I could find to eat.   I made a point of not talking about weight in front of her, and didn't allow the word "fat" in my house for years, but my examples were certainly poor ones. NOW after having surgery, she has seen the response to my weight loss and I fear the positive attention for weight loss - relays a message to her that is painful.  ---Losing weight is valued - - being overweight is shameful, bad, etc. etc. To top this off, her step - mom (Barbie I call her) let her know at age 7 that she was "too fat" and "too big" to do certain activities her children participated in.  Could I have killed her?? Yes - but I didn't - Instead, my daughter lives with me almost exclusively by choice and step-mom rarely has the opportunity to belittle her etc. etc.  So - that is my story - I have created this food obsession - I want to fix it.  For TEENS struggling with your weight:  Do you wish your parents had played hard ball with you regarding your choices (healthy options only and portion control) at 9-10?? I don't want to make her feel bad about her - but I want to help her as I know she struggles with her size, her weight, and her clothes and how they fit. (UGH! I hate this for her!) I thought I could protect her- but here we are - at 9, almost 10 - and I feel I have failed her.  HELP!

Hi

I am 17, and have been overweight all my life. At her age I was trying diet after diet with my Pediatrician but my parents always fealt bad...just like you, so not much was done. I do wish NOW that we had played hardball as now I am just getting ready for my gastric bypass. I know it is hard, and I hated it so much when my parents or doctors would say fat, or tell me about all the problems that I would have when I got older, all of which I do have now. I think that your daughter might not be happy when you start your plan, but I think that she will look back when she's in her teens, and thank you for what you did. I know I would have. Good luck with your choices, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Thank you for responding.  I figured that although she may hate my efforts now - it will only get harder socially for her as she gets older.   I hope your gastric bypass is all you hope it to be and that you get the results you are looking for.  Be good to you - love you, and remember that you are still the same girl no matter what your size.  It is hard to wrap one's mind around the changes that occur after surgery -so keep a journal - or make sure you are staying connected at OH for support.  Thanks again - I will definately take your feedback to heart!  Much luck and love,  Shelley

Oh, it reminds me of myself at that age. At that age I believe I was sneaking food in my room, and binge eating at night. I still was very popular at school, but I hated that my friends had all the cute "skinny girls clothes". Back then all the plus size clothes were SO UGLY! (Think Catherine's meets grandmother style)  Did you try getting her into sports? Ask her what sports she's interested in. You could find some soccer, volleyball, running, field hockey, ect. clubs in your area. That would be a great way for her to be active, and meet friends. She could also be an emotional eater. Trust me, your daughter's feelings got hurt when her step-mother told her that she was "too fat" to join in with her kids.  You could also cut out the soda, candy, cookies, etc. She can still eat them just in moderation as long as it fits in with her calorie intake. A nutritionist could also help... Best of luck!

We have tried to get her involved in sports and she doesn't really feel passionate about any of those we have tried thus far.  That doesn't mean it isn't out there.  We will continue to try.  This Christmas, we bought her a bike, a razor (scooter) and a skateboard in hopes of encouraging activity vs. TV or other sedintary activity.   Thank you for your response.  We will certianly keep that in mind as we move forward.  Best to you!  Shelley

Hi Shelley, I am in the exact same situation as you. My daughter is almost 10 and weighs about 110 pounds. She really loves food and when I limit her to "healthy foods" she really gets mad about it. I feel like I am punishing her so I give in. She is a child and it is sad that she would even have to think about a diet. At 10 I was overweight but no one bothered to help me. I guess my parents just thought it was okay for me to be fat. Of course they are both average weight so they never knew what being fat does to a person. I have been there and I don't want my daughter to go through what I did. But at age 10 they do not realize how unhealthy it is or how unattractive it will be when they are teens. I always prayed I would have a little petite daughter who could wear anything she wanted to and never have to worry about fat. Instead I got two tiny sons and a daughter with the same eating problems I had. I even enrolled her at Curves. She has been going for 2 months and she has GAINED about 4 pounds. I really don't know what to do with out making her hate me in the process. If you find a good solution, please share with me.  Tina

Oh Tina - I feel your pain!  I'm sorry you are in the same situation.  If I come up with any great answers I will certainly send them your way.  Keep on trying.  I have to believe that despite the hatred for our efforts - we are saving them from future heart ache. Right?  I'll be in touch for sure.  ((((HUGS)))) Shelley J.

Hi Shelley, I know this is a late response but I just found this particular part of our forum, even after being on the OH site since 2005!! 

My 15 year old son weighs 285 pounds.  He loves his food but doesn't sneak it or hide it in his bedroom.  He has an enormous appetite and he is always hungry.  From July 2005 to July 2006 I lost 140 pounds and I taught him so many things about good eating.  He will check labels, choose protein over carbs and generally understands all about nutrition.  He also is not a junk food junkie, preferring "real" foods to processed ones.  He plays football from August - November, is on the wrestling team from November - March and plays baseball from March until July.  I'd say that's pretty active.  However, for whatever reason he can't seem to lose weight.  I feel much like you do, that I've really ruined him after being SMO myself for 16 years.  But his doctor basically said that it was up to him, he had the tools, he needed to put them in place.  Ha, like we knew how to do that, huh? I pray for a huge growth spurt. LOL  Right now he is 5'8" and the doc said  he will be at least 6'2".  On the plus side, he pretty much stays at this weight.  He is a big, solid boy.  I wish I could do for him what I did for myself, but I don't have that power.  It is forbidden for us to use the word fat in our house as well.  My son will actually ask for help, and then he'll get angry at me when I do help.  Go figure.  At this point provide good foods, that is all you can do.  They learn so much about health and good eating in school now, the tools are there.  Don't look too hard for the root of her eating problems.  Most kids are pretty well adjusted and just like the taste of food.  We don't always have to be "damaged" to be fat. Good luck with your little girl. Donna

Hi Donna,  Thanks for your response.  I think it is such a struggle for young people to ask for help.  I know my daughter has and, like your son, hates it when I attempt to redirect her or remind her of her desires to eat healthy.  The immediate need/desire for food seems to outweigh the over-riding desire to lose weight.  I HATE that she is in this space - as I remember what it was like.  I had poor self esteem for many years and I don't want that for her.  I pray - like you - that a growth spurt comes and takes this away for her - but we both know if we don't help them change the bad habits - it will just be delayed into adulthood (their weight issues).  I hope we can get a support group together for parents of obese children (as suggeste below) - I think we could really put some steps in place to do the right thing for our kids.   NONE of us want to be hated - but sometimes parenting - (good parenting) involves a little of that in working toward a better future for our kids.  Many cyber (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Shelley