are your relationships stronger? yes no?? what to do????

Hi!! I am going to be 2 years out April 2. I am down 130 lbs. I was married 3 years before WLS. I have changed both physically and emotionally. I have heard alot about how WLS can affect marriages/relationships. I am really struggling right now. I want to be active, pursue new interests, and basically lead a new more fufilling life. My husband doesn't seem to want to do or try anything different. He has diabetes and heart problems, high bp, high cholestral. His BMI is around 37. He would qualify with all his comorbidities, but refuses to even consider WLS. He is content to sit in front of the TV. I am really bored and feeling restless. Our sex life is non existent. Part of it is due to to ED brought on by all his meds and health concerns. What really bothers me most is our lack of intimacy. I thought he'd find me more attractive, but get very little feed back in that area. We don't share the passion and romance that brought us together. I try to make myself attractive to him, with little or no response from him. When I try to cuddle, be intimate, he usually responds by pushing me away, instead of acting like he likes what I'm doing. We tried counseling a few years ago, and it was a disaster! I try to talk to him with little success. He thinks things are ok. Sorry this is so long, but I am wondering how others have coped with this sort of thing? I would especially like to hear from the guys of WLS patients, how did your wife/girlfriend's weight loss and new self esteem affect your feelings for her?? Those of you having success in your relationships, what has helped?? Those of you who chose to end your relationship, what was it that brought you to that decision?? How are you doing? I am very confused at this point. I feel so unfufilled at this point, not only sexually, but in many ways. I feel as though I have always settled for a relationship, just to have one. I want so much more out of a relationship, and life in general, than what I have at this point. I'd really appreciate any one's input!! Thanks in advance!! DeeAnn R

Thanks for sharing your concerns so openly. My wife is pre-op and I am new to the entire process so I can't share any post-op experiences yet. Your concerns raise issues I could not have anticipated so I am anxious to see the the respones of those with some experience.

Darryl: I sincerely wish you and your wife the best as she begins this life changing journey!! It's hard to know ahead of time how the major changes she will go through will affect your relationship. Hopefully it will be a positive experience that will strengthen your marriage. Good luck in the months to come, and thanks for your response!! DeeAnn R

Hello- I will be 11 months out on the 13th of this month. I have lost 95 lbs to date. I will be married 4 yrs this July. I definitely understand about the emotional and physically changes. I also heard how the surgery can affect the marriage. As you hear it either is totally helping (saving) or totally ruining the marriage as in divorce. Totally understand about wanting to pursue things. See I am the one who would like to be inside and sit and watch TV. My hubby is the one that would rather be outside doing whatever he wants. The best thing I can say about the sex life is that you have to take charge, as in be the one in control. If I want it and hubby just doesn't want to we compromise. I ride him! He he he. Some men don't like to be intimate as much as others. Some men can go once a month and be happy while others need it daily. Some men will NEVER be romantic while others are constantly. Mainly I have found out if I want to cuddle or such I have to make it happen. Which for most women we have to do it bc they won't lol. I have to pull teeth to get compliments or say HOW DO I LOOK. Some men just don't compliment. I married one. LOL! After all you tried and w/him thinking nothing is wrong, sit down and said we're on the road to divorce, which I hope will get his attention and tell him look I need more intimacy, more sex, and whatever else you need. I can tell you my hubby's response. I am basically the same. I still don't like to go outside and do things and sometimes just don't want sex. We have to compromise which has helped w/our marriage. Given the first 2 ½ yrs of our marriage was absolutely horrible. We had to overcome so much. He would say that I have a lot more self esteem and he would say he loves me more than ever. Our marriage is the strongest and best it has ever been. We talked about what was bothering us about our marriage. We had a long talk. It was hard but we did it, and now w/my self esteem is better I can now love myself and love him the way he should be loved. We also sat there and pictured this. We said picture being alone. Picture not having your hubby w/you ever. That he is gone and you are alone. Could you be happy knowing that you and him are not together. Could you? I realized that no matter how much we fought and how bad our problems were that we could not live w/o each other. Then from there we began talking and saying what bothered us about each other, alotta tears, mainly me. It was so hard but we did it. Try to work through it if you love him. I hope that everything works out for you in the best way! ~April~

I am so happy for you guys; you are an inspiration to us all!! Too bad not everyone has the same conviction and dedication to make a marriage work, WLS or not. A marriage is the union of two people and it also takes two to make it work. For all couples in love out there, know this: "The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything get in your way." And for people thinking of leaving their loving spouses just to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, please say and repeat this: "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly".

Dee ann... I am only 8 months post op.. you have spoken my exact situation.. I think I need to be in this area of the forum.. after reading your post.. I know its not just me.. I am not the "only one" going through this... You are not alone in this "situation".. I think this is a very common thing.. I need to do some reading in here.. beleive it or not .. a friend pointed the way.. and he is not even a WLS patient.. but a friend he is indeed.. always looking out for me.. Hugs Angel J LOS

My wife left me in October after having her operation in May of 05. She seemed to be fine until she hit the bar scene. She had also jumped into a high stress LPN school. She has a family history of depression/stress and when you roll it up all together the WLS psychological side effects have destroyed my family! She's with a rich man now and I have our children. She's filed for divorce and I'm going to show the judge documented info so that he will make provisions for her to seek a psychological evaluation. My girls have even noticed the "change" she has made and my youngest wishes she had "fat mom" back.