HELP..HELP..PLEASE!!!! My marriage is going down hill FAST.....

let me start off by saying excuse me if i ramble on and at times make no sense...i have a lot to say....I am 1 yr and 3 weeks post op, i have lost 120lbs and smaller than i have ever been, i started my journey at 268 after losing 12 lbs before surgery so i started this whole thing at 280 and i am now 148, 5' 6". & wear a size 8 pants..... in my eyes my husband (jeff) has always been controling since we have been married, when we married i was 6 mths pregnant with my son and when he met me i was 165 and a wore a size 16....now our relationship was rocky from the start...when we met i had just started dating a friend of his and 1 1/2 mths into dating Michael i figured out he was cheating on me...so jeff was a friend to me considering he was always around, so naturally i went to him for a shoulder to cry on and he was there naturally that is just the kind of guy he is (very sweet and sensative), well we dated for a couple of weeks then Michael came to me and said he made a mistake and want me to take him back he even gave me a key to his house and asked me to move in and i did...4 mths go by me and michael are great and then he decides he needs space....so upset i went to jeff again for a shoulder to cry on and he was there for me...then michael asked me to meet him one night for lunch and i do, my mom tells jeff where i went and he comes there and throws a cd case at me and leaves..and michaels says wants me back again and i am there in a heart beat...2 mths later michael says he is moving 2 hours away and wants me to go and i say no though my heart says yes, but i didn't want to move from my mom (we are very close)....and me jeff start as friends again while i am still talking to michael long distance...jeff and i naturally spend time together and all the while i think about michael....then i come up pregnant and i tell jeff that i did not want to different names on the birth certificate so then we get married, and not 8 yrs later i am having regrets and feel like i have missed out on something and i am battling some sort of depression....i have been truely uphappy with my marriage for at least 2 1/2 yrs and since the weight loss jeff's controling has gotten worse though he does not see it and i have become more uphappy with him then ever, but i stick with it for my son and i know its the wrong reason but i do....i love jeff but i am not inlove with him the way a wife should be and it is not that i want anyone else, i don't...so i feel that i only married my husband because i was pregnant all the while i think i was still inlove with michael...sad thing is this is my 3rd marriage and when i met michael and jeff i had only been divorced from my second husband for 1 month so i was never really on my own and i never really had the time to find my self and i think now that is what i want....i recently started seeing a professional councelor and we also see the same counselor for marriage counseling....all i know is right now the most important thing that has my 100% is my child, he is my heart, my soul and the whole reason i breathe everyday...he is the main reason i had this surgery so that i would not die of a heart attack or anything else......i wanted to be healthy and live a long life for Hunter...all i know is that i am so unhappy here and my son senses it and he tells me he wants me and his daddy and him all together...so do i proceed or what....jeff explains that he loves me with all his heart and soul but i don't feel the same way he does.....WHAT DO I DO, I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS....MY SON CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS????????????????? THANKS, CHRIS

Gosh Chris I really don't know what to tell you but after reading your post I felt that I needed to at least answer you. I have been married for 10 years and have a 7 yo daughter. She is my life and I, like you,had the surgery with her in mind. I wanted her to grow up healthy and happy. With no weight hang ups and to never be embarassed by her "fat" mom coming to her school or soccer game. That said I think you need to do what is in the best intrest of you and your son. Leaving your husband is not necessarily the correct answer. Counseling is the right thing. After being overweight for so long so many of us have to refind ourselves and decide how we want to fit into the world. Your husband just has to understand that the new you has to find a spot. As painful and embarassing as it would be maybe you should let him read the message you wrote. You can't find an honest answer if you can't be honest. Maybe if he knew that he was really the second choice he may make the decision for you. Good luck and know that my heart truly goes out for you and your difficult decision. You must be true to yourself we only have one chance to go around. Jen 243/165/140

I do not believe in seeing a counselor because they put ideas and thoughts in your head that may not be healthy for your marriage. You said your husband is controlling, but you did not say how. I am sorry but you sound very whiney to me.I dont mean to be rude but everything in your post sounds like me me me me me. What about all the times he took you back and geez this is your 3rd marriage did you even stop to consider that it just might be that you are unable to stay and work at a relationship? DONT use your son as a way out ...

just wanted to say good luck

Hi Chris... after reading your post....I realize how blessed I am to have a very loving and supportive husband. Why is that we are often attracted to the bad boys? here you say you have a husband who loves you dearly and it sounds by what you say that he has always been there for you...taking you back several times after you ran to the" Bad Boy" ( I wonder why he did that?) It sounds like if you wanted to save this marriage you could,but you would need to shut the door on the past.... I was also in a previous marriage where I loved my husband but was not in love with him....I did eventually leave after 15 years as it was not fair to him. He deserved to be loved like a wife should love a husband. I have many fond memories and wish only the best for him now. My husband now is my Rock and I am so in love with him. I don't know what I would have done without him. My surgery journey in the beginning was very traumatic and you just don't appreciate what you have until you spend months fighting for your life. I am praying that you can find peace and stength to get you through this transition in your life and do what will be best for your family. Hugs, Valori

Chris: I have not had my surgery yet, so maybe it is not right for me to share with you. I too am on my 3 marriage. However this one has lasted for 26 years and 9 children. My husband is a awsome person loving and caring and supportive, he can all so be a jerk, insesitive and unatintive. But guess what? I am all of those things too! There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Marriage is a job much of the time. My husband often tell people we are together because no one else will tolerate either one of us.LOL and he is probably right. We both allow each other to be grouchy at times, we both like to cuddle at times. We both get insecure at times. When I met my husband I was 5'3" and 125lbs I have put on weight and lost it and gained it back again. I now weigh 345lbs. And he tells me he would love me if I was 600lbs but he is scared for me, and for him. He doesn't want to finally get the house to ourselves only for him to be alone. I have been the perfect weight before after lossing 70 or 80lbs and I do know that feeling of restlessness that comes with that. My husband hates it. because I drag him all over the place and wear him out, but I don't leave him behind because I have changed. He is a good friend who has stood beside me threw it all. I have done the same for him during his trials and tribulations. Some times you just have to take the bull by the horns and show him how to work on your marriage. That may mean you making and extra effort. Pardon my boldness, but go on line look up the art of Felaicio(sp) or teach yourself about tantric sex. Then lavi**** on him. Every marriage needs an injection from time to time. Thank him for the times he has stood by you and tell him you will always be there for him. Let him know that you are still trying to find your place in this new world but that he will never be left behind. Kick his butt till he gives in and gets the surgery. Dangle high heels, and nighties in his face like a carrot to a horse. Try anything and everything before you quit. The grass is not greener on the other side, it is just new for a while. I think I remember our 7th year and 17th year were what I call the I hate you years. We both used to say very casually when we felt like it(not in front of the kids) "I hate you". We new we didn't exactly mean it but we did and it was good to get it out. It was OK to say. There were a lot more years of I love you with all my heart. Our kids tease us that we still hold hands when we go to the mall or anywhere. So next time you go somewhere take his hand and after he gets over the shock of it, smile at him and tell him you love. WORK at it. It is worth. show him how to work at it. Remember this is probably a big change for him to. He is probably scared he is loseing you and doesn't know what to do about it. So he sits and watches the TV to escape. Sorry for writting a book, but I hope it might help. a strong relation is the warmest, safest place in the world. I hope you both can crate that. It will take both of you, but you have to lead the way. It is a safe place for you child too! let him see you snuggle and kiss and hold hands. I know I am going on and on, but I am on a roll LOL so while I am at it I will share this also. My kids have grown up with friends from divorced families or watching them go threw a divorce. when some of them were little they would get scared when a friend was going threw their parents separating. They would watch us extra close and even ask if we would ever get divorced. Ya gotta be strong for them and WORK at it. OK OK I am done. LOL I hope something I have said helps. Nina