The frightened spouse syndrome

It's funny, being 5+ years post op and seeing my wife prepare for her surgery in 2 weeks I asked Kathy if there were spouses on here with whom I could talk. I've read a lot of the posts and there is one underlying theme to them - Insecurity. Some women are afraid their men want them to get the surgery for cosmetic effect only, some men are afraid their wives will "get hot" and leave them. Guys - if your girl loves you and if you are meant to be together, you will be together regardless of the dramatic changes ahead. It's ok to be scared or apprehensive before her surgery. It's an emotional time, but don't lean on her too much with these thoughts. It's just fear at work. Nothing more. Ladies - If you have a husband who is super supportive and you start feeling that maybe he's really only interested in upping your "hotness" factor you should relax. If he loves you it means he knows you. If he knows you it means he loves the parts of you that won't change with weight loss, your heart & soul. In my case I am overcome with joy because I went from 412 to 190 in just 18 months. I know how Kathy will feel dropping sizes. I know the unspeakable joy of going from a public spectacle to invisible in 18 months. That's why I am so psyched for her. She can't get any sexier in my book anyway - this is all about her, well I get her for an average of 13 to 20 additional years because of this surgery so it's not *all* about her! If she does get any sexier it will be due to *her* feeling sexier. Guys whether or not she's going leave you is moot. Help her save her life, she won't forget that. Ladies, - allow us some wiggle room on the whole sexy issue. We're guys. At best we have no better than a tenuous grip on that particular realm of our psyche! Jeff M

I am a lucky woman...

Jeff, I understand spouses getting insecure with the changes they see in their partner. My partner is having WLS on 11/30. I am VERY excited for her and the day she looks so good that I would think about being insecure is the day I will go buy a bottle of champagne and celebrate with her. When she feels the best about herself then I will feel good. I want nothing but that. Isn't that what love is about. Please tell your wife Good Luck Cyndi~Lyn's partner that steals her name

Jeff, that has to be one of the sweetest things I have heard lately. Thank you, I think I really needed to hear that. Your wife is a lucky woman and it goes without saying you're lucky to have your wife ;-! Take care, Vi

Oops...I meant See ya

My husband and I first met in '84 as freshmen in high school. We've loved each other since the first day we met (yeah, I know we were young but what can I say? lol) We've only been a couple as adults for about 9 years or so. Since we've known each other for more than 20 years, you could say we know each other very well. As a teenager I was a skinny little thing afraid of the world. When we reconnected as adults, I was a chubby girl ready to take on the world. I've now grown into an obese lady afraid of the world again. Throughout our time together, hubby has always treated me the same: With utter, total, and literal honesty. Oftentimes, that is a great attribute but sometimes, just sometimes, its a hard pill to swallow. I had been considering WLS for about 5 years now and only recently told him this summer the seriousness of my thoughts. I hadn't told him because I knew what would happen - and I was right. He loves me dearly, of that I have no doubt. All he wants is for me to be happy and healthy again. And here lies the crux of my problem: I appreciate hubby relating his idea of the issues I could face with this procedure (death on the table, weight being regained, the life-long changes in habits, etc). He's great at keeping me focused. The issue of him being so honest and up-front is beginning to bloom into a problem. I never, ever hear him say spontaneously something positive to accompany the negatives/issues he talks to me concering WLS. When I brought up this fact to him, his response was appropriate and he let me know how proud he is of me for finally getting the gumption to do something about my weight and my mentality. However, since that day, he hasn't once tempered any 'in your face' statements with anything positive. How can I convince my hubby that while I need his objectivity, I also need his pure unadulterated support as well? Lois