Question for Hubby's of WLS Patients
Hi,
My wife is planning on having WLS this summer. She is in the midst of her pre-op appts. I've gone with her to the different support group meetings, and went with her to our first one-on-one meeting with her surgeon. We're both really impressed with him, and feel this is the right thing to do, and he's the right Dr.
A little about me...I'm lucky in that I'm a person of "normal" weight. I haven't really had any weight issues (lucky genes). So while I've been with my wife (going on almost 10 years), it's always been me supporting her with her battle with her weight. I try to be understanding & supportive, but obviously I can't TOTALLY relate, although I try my damndest.
So...now that she's decided to do WLS, I'm looking to see if any other spouses (but specifically husbands) can give me some tips on what works best in supporting their wives. Like when she's freaking out about it...will I be able to eat OK? What happens if I can't eat xxxxx anymore? What happens if I'm still not very happy with my life after the surgery (my wife is currently on meds for depression)...I could go on, but I think you get the picture.
Not to be sexist, but women "tend" to be more emotional (on average...I'm really not a sexist...this has been my experience through my life with many women, not just my wife) about things than men. So while I'd like the advice of ANY spouses, I think husbands might be able to more closely relate to what I'm talking about.
Anyway...what I'm most concerned about is she'll go through the surgery, and then 2, 3, 6 months down the line she's regretting her decision, and unlike lap-band, there's no reversing this.
What has worked well with other spouses out there? ANY and ALL suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance!!!!
Another female reply here 
Sorry about that! I admire you for seeking to find out what to expect after your wife has surgery. You can offer her support in many ways: Be understanding is #1 of so many issues that will come up. When she is going thru the losing process it is such an exciting time but it's also scary ......you know the UNKNOWN. She will drop sizes rapidly which is one of the most fun parts for her. Just brag on how great she looks.....that will make her feel beautiful. One issue that will more than likely arise is loose skin. Just remember that is one of the most touchy for most people. No one hates it worse than the person wearing it. Some don't have much loose skin (I was blessed especially for my age) but I had enough I wanted plastic surgery. Others have tremendous amounts of skin. Just remember plastic surgery while it can't make you perfect, it greatly improves your appearance but depending on how much excess skin there is determines how many surgeries she will go thru. It all depends on genetics, how much weight loss there is and in some cases age. Just don't comment on that you don't like it. Also sometimes it will tighten up over time. Your skin has to catch up because you lose so rapidly in the beginning.
I will tell you that there is a high divorce rate with this surgery. I have heard 2 different percentages so I'm not sure which is accurate (50%-80%). Your emotions run wild for a while because your hormones are all out of whack. It's like a roller coaster ride. I've been married almost 33 yrs and it's been tough. Part of our problems are the fact that men notice me a lot now & the fact that I now have tremendous energy and feel as though my life has just begun. My husband on the other hand is older and was diagnosed with diabetes about a year after my WLS. He is ill most of the time and always tired. We have survived by the grace of God but I won't lie to you.......it is very hard. Many married couples actually improve their relationship so problems are not always the case.
As for her wanting what you are eating. If she does anything like me it never bothered me and still doesn't almost 3 yrs later to see people eating things I can't eat. I actually lost interest in unhealthy foods. I am not the "norm" in that area. Most do crave the old "bad choice" foods. The number 1 thing for her to do during her first year is to follow the rules: Eat healthy choices, drink water, take vitamins and exercise. If she does this 90% of the time it will become a habit .....just a way of life. The first year in my humble opinion is the crucial year to success or failure.
What to expect with her surgery: She will be in some pain naturally and for probably a month she will have days where she wonders why on earth did I do this to myself. Usually after that when you start seeing the scale move you get so excited and you start to feel so much better health wise that the limits on the food fades your mind. I gained so much more self confidence the more weight I lost. On down the road as you said just depends on her but I feel that most people never regret the decision.......in fact would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I have a son that also had the surgery November 1st and is already at goal weight. My surgery was almost 3 yrs ago. In the beginning my son regretted it......now he is so glad he did it. I personally never regreted it. I wouldn't trade my new found life for anything in the world.
I hope this answers at least some of your questions & concerns. Best of luck to you and your wife on the journey of a lifetime! If you have anymore questions feel free to email me.
Peggy B 
Sorry about that! I admire you for seeking to find out what to expect after your wife has surgery. You can offer her support in many ways: Be understanding is #1 of so many issues that will come up. When she is going thru the losing process it is such an exciting time but it's also scary ......you know the UNKNOWN. She will drop sizes rapidly which is one of the most fun parts for her. Just brag on how great she looks.....that will make her feel beautiful. One issue that will more than likely arise is loose skin. Just remember that is one of the most touchy for most people. No one hates it worse than the person wearing it. Some don't have much loose skin (I was blessed especially for my age) but I had enough I wanted plastic surgery. Others have tremendous amounts of skin. Just remember plastic surgery while it can't make you perfect, it greatly improves your appearance but depending on how much excess skin there is determines how many surgeries she will go thru. It all depends on genetics, how much weight loss there is and in some cases age. Just don't comment on that you don't like it. Also sometimes it will tighten up over time. Your skin has to catch up because you lose so rapidly in the beginning.
I will tell you that there is a high divorce rate with this surgery. I have heard 2 different percentages so I'm not sure which is accurate (50%-80%). Your emotions run wild for a while because your hormones are all out of whack. It's like a roller coaster ride. I've been married almost 33 yrs and it's been tough. Part of our problems are the fact that men notice me a lot now & the fact that I now have tremendous energy and feel as though my life has just begun. My husband on the other hand is older and was diagnosed with diabetes about a year after my WLS. He is ill most of the time and always tired. We have survived by the grace of God but I won't lie to you.......it is very hard. Many married couples actually improve their relationship so problems are not always the case.
As for her wanting what you are eating. If she does anything like me it never bothered me and still doesn't almost 3 yrs later to see people eating things I can't eat. I actually lost interest in unhealthy foods. I am not the "norm" in that area. Most do crave the old "bad choice" foods. The number 1 thing for her to do during her first year is to follow the rules: Eat healthy choices, drink water, take vitamins and exercise. If she does this 90% of the time it will become a habit .....just a way of life. The first year in my humble opinion is the crucial year to success or failure.
What to expect with her surgery: She will be in some pain naturally and for probably a month she will have days where she wonders why on earth did I do this to myself. Usually after that when you start seeing the scale move you get so excited and you start to feel so much better health wise that the limits on the food fades your mind. I gained so much more self confidence the more weight I lost. On down the road as you said just depends on her but I feel that most people never regret the decision.......in fact would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I have a son that also had the surgery November 1st and is already at goal weight. My surgery was almost 3 yrs ago. In the beginning my son regretted it......now he is so glad he did it. I personally never regreted it. I wouldn't trade my new found life for anything in the world.
I hope this answers at least some of your questions & concerns. Best of luck to you and your wife on the journey of a lifetime! If you have anymore questions feel free to email me.
Peggy B Thank you VERY MUCH for the reply and info Peggy!
Since my initial post, my wife has decided to go with the lap band, instead of the RNY. Form what we've seen/heard, the changes are less dramatic with lap band, and more gradual, so "hopefully" it won't be as big of a change (although we both know it will be a HUGE change).
Thank you again for the info!
Tim,
I think I can help with some of those questions as they related to me and my finace Laura. She had surgery in September 2004. She agonized over the decision for years. We talked about it and then I agonized over it for weeks. She decided to go ahead with it. It has required some changes from me also. There will be things you both enjoyed eating before that she will not be able to eat after surgery. She will need to agonize over every bite. You will be done, if you eat like most guys, and be waiting until she gets her fill. You can't rush her because if she does not chew enough she WILL GET SICK! I suggest she order whatever she wants to eat as an appetizer course so she gets an early start. We do this alot and it helps. Sometimes I feel guilty about eating usual portions and large bites. I bet you will at some time also. If I am eating something Laura really liked before and she craves it I let her have a bite, really how big a bite will she take anyway. Usually that is all she needs and the need is fulfilled. Often we order an app, or soup and entre then share them all. Be careful you do not eat your meal and then finish hers if you are one of those folks raised to clean your plate. You will not be normal weight for long if this happens ;) There will be days you will be frustrated with her new eating habits. Be patient.
Laura has had a tremendous increase in her self esteem but it was good before the surgery. She is getting noticed by men a lot more be prepared for that. We were out the other night and some guy hit on her with me beside her. I was dumbstruck! This was a first for this. Be Prepared you know how men are.
We continually maintain a dialog. Talk about things do not let them build up to boiling point. Do not be jealous, she is with you. When the guy hit on Laura when she was with me she laughed at the guy and snuggled up to me even closer.
Her body will change also, be prepared. We joke about Laura's boobs since all her weight loss, we call them charpitties since the puppies have a bit of extra skin on them now. These things happen, skin takes time to shrink, and sometimes it only works with plastic surgery. She is begining to investigate this option now.
I try to go to her support meetings and her Dr. appointments with her, face it, this impacts both of you more than you realize.
My suggestion to you; communicate well and often, be patient, be supportive, she is still the person on the inside you have loved for 10 years.
This was certainly a man's view.
Good Luck to you,
Ed
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