When ur spouse is non WLS and overweight

I had LAP RNY in July. I am down from 270lbs to 154lbs (5'4"). My S/O is the same height and approx. 300lbs. Even as a large woman I had confidence (not as much as now but not super low esteem). My S/O on the other hand, although he tries to hide it, has low self esteem. It doesn't help that he manages a military fitness center. This has shown before my surgery in many ways such as he stopped all affection, physical contact, sexual relations, etc. He really has withdrawn. Since surgery, although he "tries" to seem supportive and would never say anything nasty, it is obvious that it bothers him to see me losing, I think that although he is surely happy for ME, it is painful for him to watch. I no longer feel I can share my new joys, my wow moments, etc with him. I couldn't tell him that I spent an entire afternoon crying not long ago for having lost 100lbs. I can't get excited near him when I drop a pants size. I try to act like it's no big deal to spare his feelings. Meanwhile he withdraws emotionally even more from me, if thats possible.. Heck he went so far (this was cruel in my opinion) as to get me an engagement ring for xmas but NOT propose ... i asked where do I wear this? which finger? he said "wherever u r comfortable". Nothing like ruining a girls dream of someone loving them and proposing?? It is being worn on my right hand, he is happy with that. I have rarely any affection. Haven't heard I love you in a long time. When I cry and try to talk, he acts like it is all in my head. Well I tell ya, it ain't in my head! He is a very kind loving dedicated person and I know he loves me, but I no longer know what to do here. I will not regret this surgery. I am gaining my youth again and have a new lease on life. I feel great, I look great, I can DO THINGS again. Which reminds me, him and I have seen ONE movie since my surgery and done NOTHING else socially, despite me asking over and over. I have a free hotel room luxury suite, with free tickets to a show and free meals at a nearby casino... he won't go there either ... ??? I get to go alone, which is how i feel like I"m living my life. He will get upset every time I bring this up, saying if he didn't love me, want me, value me that he wouldn't be here. But hell, he's not "HERE" really at all. His body is, but his heart, his spirit, his person just "ISN'T". If that makes sense. I am more and more lonely as time goes by. I felt this long before surgery but it is worse now. Me having this surgery seems to have sent him emotionally running even further away. Any advice? Thoughts? Insight? I have NEVER cheated in my entire life but honestly if this doesnt get better and soon, and if i didn't just leave (which instinct is saying would be painful but for the best), I am afraid I'd be a puddle at the feet of the first man available Also I guess that I felt that this is my time (for the first time in my life) to shine, to feel beautiful and proud of my accomplishments , to do things I have had to stay away from for years as a big girl etc. And instead I'm cooped up with a roommate pretending to be my partner, feeling worse about myself and wondering why I am not good enough or not worth any actual EFFORT on his part to revive this relationship. Please don't advise me to up the anty and actively pursue him, because I've done that. More times than should be humanly possible, and I am so sick of rejection that at this point there is no way I'm going out on a limb again only to be shot down Melissa

Sister everyone comes into our lives for a reason a season or a life time . It is not up to you to breathe for your man. You cannott love him more than he loves himself nor can you hide your light under a bushell so that he will feel comfortable. If you are blessed with a new lease on life live it go on your free vacations with a best girlfriend or cool female relative. you have worked hard to lose all of this weight the surgery is only one step. no one gave you anything so you should not allow anyone to take it away in exchange for being with you. Your s/o is suffering from a major depression and he is trying to punish you for being with him. He may be thinking hey she is hot now what does she want with me. And the truth is that some available man may come by and catch your eye but running with the first new man that eyes you and lays down the right line will not help you either. You are in a period of rebirth take the time to reinvent yourself test your likes and dislikes seperate from any partner old or new. and just concentrate on loving Mellissa. take a dance class, backpack thru costa rica, whatever you dream about is yours you are socially and physically a much freeer person do not trade your new youth for someone elses sour apples tell your s/o that you support and love him but that does not mean that you are going to invest your life in coddling him. He is free to share life with you but not to shackle your life to his misery and low self esteem assure him that he is sexy to you and macho but that you refuse to be manipulated by his pain.If in order for him to win you have to lose then he can not play on your court. Good Luck Dee

MELISSA, I AGREE WITH DEE DEE. GOD HAS GIVEN U A NEW LEASE ON LIFE......... DON'T LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY!!!!EVERY POUND YOU LOSE, AND EVERY DRESS SIZE YOU GO DOWN IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT......DON'T DOWN PLAY YOUR SUCCESS TO UPHOLD YOUR MANS INSECURITIES. AS THE OLD ADAGE SAYS, "YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF". AND IF YOU ARE DOING WORSE EMOTIONALLY NOW, THEN BEFORE YOU HAD THE SURGERY, BECAUSE OF HIS LACK OF SUPPORT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BEGIN SEARCHING FOR AN INDIVIDUAL WHO WILL LOVE YOU TRULY UNCONDITIONALLY. GOD BLESS, EBONY

you said " He is a very kind loving dedicated person and I know he loves me," That to me says alot. You had a big surgery and it caused big changes. Seems to me he may need time to adjust to the new you. Seems he stood by you now your time to be patient wiht him. You said he had low self esteem. Maybe he is scared you get Slim and sexy and leave him for someone else. Sounds like maybe you need to try and talk maybe or jsut give some reasurace. When one has wls it isnt only the patient that is affected. Give him time to get used to the new you and maybe you will get a new him.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I am not trying to push mine over yours kimberly F. but as big women we are often expected to accept whatever is handed to us in the relationship department as if the fact that society sees heavy people as less attractive means that who ever lowers their standards enought o be with us is entitled to get away with treating us anyway they choose. This sentiment is especially true concerning women because we are often judged more on our outer appearance than our success or intellect. This poster is saying that her man is not standing by her side he is sabotaging her efforts and being emotionally and mentally abusive. He does not want her to enjoy her life and he is not trying to improve his. You do not owe anyone anything because at the same time he was with her she was with him.she has held his hand, slept in his bed and dedicated time and patience to him the same as he has to her. Maybe last year this relationship was working maybe 110 pounds ago this was the man for her. But this man right now can not relate to the woman that she is growing into and it is not her job to stunt her growth and take his crap in the name of love. everyone grows at a differnt pace and every goodbye is not for ever but neither is every hello.

I am a WLS spouse, and I do everything I can to support my wife. We are going through this journey together and my biggest concern, besides her gettign through the surgery and her recovery, is that I make sure to improve my own health and well being albeit though other than surgical means. I know that within a year of her surgery, my wife will be HOT. she has always been beautiful, but then she will be hot as well. Considering all of the pain and tribulations that she has gone through, and will continue to go through in the future, it is my feeling that I need to do what I can to support her as well as clean up my own act. I need to lose about 60 lbs or so. I am 10 lbs towards that goal already. With so many years of her being overweight and me being able to run cirecles around her, I better change quick or our situations will reverse. Melissa, speaking as a guy, it looks like your dude was content living the life he was with a big girl knowing that he never had to improve his own situation. In his mind, he was safe because hi figured that you would *never* be able to find someone else. The guy manages a gym, but can't help himself as he watches you go through the WLS lifechange? Well... the times they are a changing huh? If you're not married, and have no kids, I'd leave him in a heartbeat and enjoy the world that you have been missing for so long. Give him back his ring, it mens nothing to him and should mean nothing to you either. You deserve much, much, better.

It has been 5 months since your post and your decision has probably been made but let me still give you my perspective. I am an avid bodybuilder and my wife is getting ready to undergo WLS. I am diabolically opposed to he going through with it but I have no way to tell her she CAN NOT do it. It is her body. I know the risks, and to someone who is surrounded by fitness freaks those risks far outweigh the rewards because truly if you can make the changes to your diet and amount of exercise that you need to after having the WLS then the simple truth is you should have been able to have made them before ever having the surgery. The behavioral modifications that WLS calls for are so similar to those that most Bodybuilders undergo with one great exception. We as bodybuilders do not have to worry about starving ourselves of vital nutrients necessary for basic life functions, whereas you now do and will for the rest of your life. Plus as you said your S/O is overweight so there will be some added envy I am sure but really he probably just cannot grasp the concept of why. Why would you do this to yourself?

Her SO isnt wondering what she has done for herself, he is wallering in selfpity because she is now thin while he is still overweight. He doesnt seem to have the desire or will to either diet or have the surgery himself, so he is trying to make her feel guilty about her decision. Sweetheart what you need to do is start your new life, ask him to join you and be happy together or you need to move on because you cant change him, only you can....