Spouses need support to help there loved ones

I am proud of what my wife has accomplished so far.It isnt easy for her and it also is hard for me at times to just sit back unable to do for her what I want to do. i am learning that this is a life changing event and the best support I can give is to be there for her if she needs something, be there for her to lean on when discouraged,be eastatic over her triumphs, and understanding and thoughtfull enough to let her be when she needs her own space to deal with everything.I am hoping to get this spouse board going and I encourage those that have had a lap or bypass to encourage there spouse to sign on and post what they are going through and feeling. Thanks Richard R.N. P.S. to all the members on the boards for there open and honest opinions and there success !!! Way to Go!!

Richard, I'm not the spouse. I'm the WLS. In 17 months I have gone from a 5X to a 12. He didn't support me in having WLS as he was unclear how it might affect our financial situation, and I might die. For 15 years he ignored me. He was emotionally abusive. I virtually supported him through 2 training programs to change careers. He finally landed one and I lived through 5 years of apprenticeship supporting our house working two jobs roughly 70 hours a week at 380 pounds and he would not rub my feet at night after a 14 hour day, as he didn't want to touch them. Now.....he also says "I have ALWAYS loved you" but you were too angry to be approached. It was my fault that he was shut out and he didn't have permission to be loving to me. I loved him through all of this and I continued to allow him to be immature, angry, unfair, disrespectful and selfish. Because you see, after all, I weighed 380 and deserved no better in my mind too. Now....I am the sexiest, most beautiful, funny, cute, intelligent, gorgeous woman that ever walked the earth and he cannot quit rubbing my feet and anything else he can. He is working regularly and providing health care. He is doing the dishes, cooking dinner for me, taking care of the dogs, cleaning house, doing laundry, and willing to work a second job....he has turned done a complete turn around, but only after I had my first affair in March of this year. He has continued to be the most amazing husband a woman could ever want....and here's the kicker......I feel guilty because I do not want him. I have had 2 more affairs and he has stuck through them and I have hidden nothing. He will make another woman a hell of a husband, perhaps someone with a younger countenance and expression. This surgery has changed me to degrees I had no concept for. There are days when I wish I had never heard of WLS. But typically those are the days when it hurts the most to be me emotionally. Physically I saved my life........I no longer take 3 meds for hypertension; 2 meds for diabetes; 2 meds for arthritis; 1 med for GERD; and sleeping pills for apnea; and 1 pill for heart and on and on. I take my vitamins. I am healthy and physically fit. Emotionally I am a total wreck. Obviously the marriage was not rock solid before WLS so to blame WLS is unfair. WLS has only brought to light the dysfunction of our marriage. It is my contention after being here on the "boards" and attending support groups and social functions that some of us with larger BMI and for longer periods of our life living SMO or SSMO the "baggage" is greater and the recovery more profound. I applaud your starting this board. I do hope more and more spouses will find you and contribute. I have tried to encourage my soon to be ex to use this board but he says he wants to find his own support. Whatever. He tells me he loves me and then he is bitter and angry. I don't blame him one bit. I would have left me a long, long time ago. This is pretty much what I feel, when I think about our sad, sad situation: You don't want me when I'm fat; you do not deserve me when I am thin. This is an enormously difficult process for the patient. I feel like I have fallen down Alice's Rabbit Hole at least once a day and I am 17 months out. I look in a mirror and cannot recognize this person. I do my laundry and hold up my size 12 jeans and marvel that they are mine...they look like a childs pants in comparison to my size 42 as a preop, which had to be hung on the industrial hangers or they would break the regular hangers. I have lost my work ethic. I have severely damaged my financial future and for this reason alone I want him to leave and not go "down the tubes" with me. I want him to save himself. I do not know what my future holds, but I do know I need it to be without this man I love to death and will always love. I wish I could remove the parameters that I held him in for 15 years as the husband of the fat lady. It seems no matter what the poor man does; he would stand on his head and tap dance on the ceiling if I asked; I do not "connect" with him. He does not understand. He feels I should be able to "get ahold" of myself and return to who I was .... only smaller and better. This always makes me smile...as I wish the same thing. I really love who he has become. He is wonderful today, and it is apparently too late...or too early...and I'm not certain we will be able to wait. I would not wish being the spouse on anyone. I wish, I wish, I wish we had gone for counseling BEFORE the surgery, or certainly immediately following. Then again when I read the above paragraph of our marriage...nah..this is best. Good Luck with your board - this is a valuable site and I pray more spouses use it. Jeannie

Hi Richard. I am the wife of a WLS patient 12-31-03. We celebrated the New Year at Medical Center East in Birmingham, Alabama. What a year it has been. Wonderful is the word that comes to mind. Being over weight myself I chose to diet with my husband. I'm down 7 pounds and he is down 154. We go to a gym three times a week and work out for an hour or more. Before he couldn't exercise and many days didn't feel like leaving the house. I have my old husband back only skinny now. I recommend the surgery to anyone who qualifies. Like everything else in life, it is what you make it. During the last year we have met some wonderful people through our state board and support groups. I attend meetings with him. This surgery for him was for us to have our life back. I couldn't be happier unless I lost another 20 pounds myself. Brenda A

Thank you Richard for starting this board. I am set to have WLS on April 18, 2005, and I have the greatest Husband in the world. We have been married 38 years and have 2 wonderful kids. Larry has supported me through all the studing and pre op information regarding RNY,WLS. He has attended all the Doctor meetings and goes to the support groups with me. He is very concerned about the surgery of course, he said he just does not want to loss me, but he is more concerned about the weight I carry killing me first. We are looking forward in 2005 doing things I have not been able to do with him. Thank you Richard and keep up the good work. Louise