Surgery date -- finally, but I'm really nervous!

Hi. I'm kind of new to this whole thing, but here goes. My husband has a surgery date. He went to see the surgeon in July, got approved by Humana HMO in September, and now he has a date. I am trying to be supportive, but I am REALLY nervous about this. The thing is that even though I've known for a long time that he was not going to be able to lose weight by conventional means, it really hasn't ever mattered to me one way or the other. By that I mean, I don't personally care that he's fat. I know it bothers him sometimes, especially when there is something he wants to do with the kids that he just can't. BUT -- I feel like his doctor is copping out a little bit here. By the way, my husband has low cholesterol, borderline high blood pressure (his medicine for this is less than a milligram every day!) no diabetes, sleep apnea, which is likely more related to his asthma (which he's had from birth) than it is to his weight. So why the surgery? He has a bone condition in his feet that is causing them to disintegrate from the top down. His PCP wants him to have the surgery (not having tried anything else, really) so that his feet will heal faster after he has that surgery! I'm not opposed to the surgery, per se. I initially went along with this because I felt certain that our HMO would turn us down and that would be that - in fact, I believe my husband thought the same. I am just not wholly convinced that this is the right thing for HIM. Of course, now that this is staring us in the face, I feel as though I cannot offer anything other than unwavering support. I think more than anything else, I'm horribly worried that instead of a relatively healthy (albeit not agile) fat husband, I'm going to wind up with a dead one. Have any of you felt like this, or something similar? I think maybe I just need to talk to someone about this -- and he's usually the one I turn to, but in this case, I don't want to be less than supportive...

I DONT KNOW IF YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT OR NOT BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT I HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS YOUR HUSBAND MAY NOT HAVE SERIOURS HEALTH PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW BUT MOST LIKELY HE WILL IN THE FURTURE SO PLEASE SUPPORT HIM HE IS JUST AS NERVOUS AS YOU MAYBE MORE BEING OVERWEIGHT MYSELF IS SO MISABLE IN EVERYWAY MY SELF I HAVE LOW SELFESTEEM ,FEEL REALLY TRIED ALL THE TIME, SO ITS NORMAL TO BE WORRIED ABOUT HIM .I HAVE SURGERY NOV 4,AND I AM TERRIFIED BUT I KNOW THIS WHAT I HAVE TO DO FOR MY HEALTH.SO TELL YOUR HUSBAND I SAID I WISH HIM ALLTHE LUCK IN THE WORLD AND THAT GOD IS WATCHING OVER BOTH OF US HE REALLY NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT NOW MORE THAN EVERY GOOD LUCK!

Thank you, Debra, for your kind words. Since my post, my husband and I have discussed this a little more in-depth, and I've spent some time on this forum. I feel MUCH better now. I think more than anything I needed to put my feelings into words. I am not really overweight, and never have been. But my sisters, brother, mom, dad and husband ALL are. My dad just got denied for WLS in CA, and is going through the appeals process. Apparently, along with my redhair, I got the skinny genes...I always wondered if I was adopted Anyway, good luck on your own upcoming surgery. I appreciate that you took the time to encourage me when you have your own concerns and anxieties. Thank you for your kindness, my thoughts and prayers are with you!

Hello J J, Though you typed it, I believe that it is possible that you do not see the motivation behind his desire to have this surgery. Just to give you an idea, I am a prospective patient in a similar (though slightly more serious) situation to your husband. I do have some medical issues that will only get worse if I don't lose weight... However, the statement that I refer to is this one: -- I know it bothers him sometimes, especially when there is something he wants to do with the kids that he just can't. -- This is a very powerful statement, though it seems simple. Deep down, no matter who it is, Father or Spouse, wants to be able to do everything possible for his family. The inability to do "little things" may seem insignificant to anyone but the person who can't do them. Considering your husband is currently relatively healthy, the likeliness of death is QUITE minscule. Most deaths because of WLS are due to either pre-existing medical conditions or the unwillingness to take care of themselves after the WLS. As long as your husband takes care of himself after the surgery, I believe in my heart that things will me 1000 times better afterward. The other thing to keep in mind is that now is the time for your husband to step up and resolve the weight issues, before his health starts failing. Once his health starts failing, the possibility of complications multiplies exponentially. Right now, he needs you to be supportive of his decision. I believe that though he doesn't consciously know it, there is a desire to make his (and all of your) lives better by being able to play a more active part in them. Though his weight may not bother you, I can guarantee that if he's willing to take this step, it bothers him more than he's letting on... -ET

Thank you for your kind words. Since posting that message, I have really spent an enormous amount of time on this site (maybe too much ) and I am starting to get excited for him. You are right, that perhaps my perception of his desire was muted. We talked about some of this the other night, and he asked me why I was so intense about his responsibilities after the surgery (I may have been nagging just a wee bit...) to not eat this and that. And I of course shot back at him "why are you so cavalier about it??" His very honest answer was: "I'm the captain of the ship - I can't let the troops see my fear" (BTW, it was the first time I've ever heard him refer to himself in this way, it was an oddly (for him) misogynistic moment) But - based on your reply I can see where he may have felt that it wasn't ok for him to share his true feelings about his weight, because he has to be "strong" for me & the kids. At any rate, thanks for sharing your insight. I appreciate your perspective.